Stories

Saved wrote:

I grew up attending church with my family. I went to sunday school and I would be in Christmas play each year, but when I reached Grade 7 I found myself falling away from God and his views. They'd started teaching sex ed in class and I was curious. Near the end of the school year a lot of the guys in my class had started talking about pornography and other sexually immoral things. (By the way, I'm a girl) That summer I started searching about sex and pornography on the internet. The thing is I didn't know it was wrong, but really if it's something you're not willing to share with your family then how could it be right? I struggled for the next few months with that idea. By December I was trying to commit to going to church, but our pastor had moved to an other church and I wasn't enjoying going anymore. I went to sunday school and met the new Youth Group leader. I started going to youth group to try and quit my problem but it wasn't that simple. My little brother's friend invited us later that year to their church for an Easter play. It was amazing! Everyone at that church was so passionate about Christ and I even new some of the other people who attended that church. From that point on I started going to that church with my family. I got up the courage to tell my mother about what I'd been struggling with, we cried and she held me. It got a little easier, but I was still sneaking into my bedroom every now and then. I felt awful after everytime. I was lucky enough to have made SO many more friends at my new church than the one I had gone to before. I met one boy - who is now like my big brother - who is so passionate about christ and who's really changed my life. I'm good friend's with the pastor's son, the only other person apart from my mother whom I've told this complete story to. Now I'm sharing it with any of you who really need to hear this. I am free of pornography now, though sometimes I do still have trouble with lust. I know that God is always going to be there for me when I fall and that he truly loves me. Christ died so that I could live and tell others of his love. Read the Bible; stay occupied - don't let yourself have a minute to ponder about sneaking away to look at a magazine or masturbate; listen to inspirational music. I hope my testimonies help someone out there.

 

Anonymous wrote:

My addiction to pornography has turned my life upside down. My first exposure to pornography was through a childhood friend at the age of 8 but the curiosity exploded when the internet made its debut.    That curiosity  became addictive in nature when it became a quest to find what was so taboo about sex.  This all out quest was hidden from my parents while I used  their computer to access these inappropriate sites.   This downward spiral began with chat rooms through America Online©.   Like all young people, I developed a normal desire to know more about sex.  My parents and church taught me nothing; the only knowledge I had was from health class at school so I turned to the internet to find that knowledge. What I didn't realize was that those beginning moments of searching  the world wide web for information on sex soon snared me in it?s web of addiction.  I was as hooked as any drug addict, becoming engrossed in searching the internet for entertainment any chance I could get.  In my teens, it started with the chat rooms but also led to searching for erotic stories.  In my 20?s,  the search exploded as I became  desperate for more. I began actively searching  for pornography to fill my growing needs.  What started with  pictures soon led to videos, all being readily available on my  parent?s unfiltered computer. Then, as if the struggle with pornography wasn't enough, I was now  adding masturbation to this ongoing struggle.  Words cannot begin to convey the amount of shame I have endured while living with these  sexual sins.   These golden chains had their grip on  me since the tender age of 8 years old yet, despite this  shame (or because of it), I became a follower of Jesus Christ at 15 years old.  Now fifteen year later, as a 30 year old Christian woman, I am still fighting these chains and, let me assure you, It is not easy being a Christian woman struggling with this highly taboo sin of pornography.   I did not date much in my teens or 20?s. I didn?t need to since, in my world, pornography was my relationship.  I didn?t need anything from anyone. Pornography was a constant friend which now I label as False Intimacy.   Pornography is a drug of the mind. I could use it and no one needed to know. Unlike street drugs, however, I never had to interact with anyone so, on the surface, I could maintain the ?goodie-goodie? label.  As time elapsed, the addiction became a daily routine but, as with any addiction, there were often days where I had to search out deeper and darker things to get the same result.   I have now begun to realize that the addiction to pornography was a band-aid to a deeper issue, that being confusion about my sexual identity.  That confusion began in early adolescence and continues today thus leading to more confusion, isolation, despair and shame. In late 2009 I reached the end of my rope with this crippling addiction to pornography. Living with this oppressive shame and guilt,  in combination with my profession as a flight attendant,  severely affected my health. Because I?d spend hours a night searching out pornography,  I was sleep deprived in a job that already had its own challenges of sleep depravation.  My spiritual sickness was now leading to physical sickness but I still couldn?t seem to stop. In early 2010, I was desperate to make a change.  In February, 2010, I turned 30 years old and I didn?t want to go one more decade addicted to pornography.  The biggest jumpstart in this process of ending my  addiction to porn has been accountability. I have a wonderful spiritual mom who mentors me and has held me accountable. I placed filters on my computer and even went to the radical extreme of giving up my laptop computer for 9 months since I had to remove all access.  Computers that are not filtered or protected are dangerous to the pornography addict much like giving an alcoholic a beer to hold and expecting him not to drink. And, while accountability is a great step in the right direction, I also need fellowship and tools to manage my addiction.  For me, personally,  fellowship in a church body is critical yet my job as a flight attendant causes me to work many weekends thus curtailing the very fellowship I need and crave.  There has also been the need to belong and, thankfully,  this past spring the Lord led me to Dirty Girl?s Ministries where I found other women (believers/non-believers) who struggle as I have. Many stories are identical to mine.  I have continued my journey by joining a Recovery Group for sexual addictions and have combined that with Christian counseling.     Truthfully, I feel like I am moving at a snail's pace but I know God?s desire for me is to be whole and I will not give up no matter how seemingly slow the process seems.  Interestingly, I?ve also discovered I am an impatient person!   And while I have my days of feeling this journey or addiction will never end, I?ve also tasted huge chunks of freedom too. The enemy of our souls wants us in isolation and in the depression pit but, with Christ's strength and grace, I will not remain in that pit anymore.  Sadly, this addiction has consumed 22 years of my life . I lost part of my childhood, my innocence, time, energy, relationships, potential relationships, my walk with God and now my health.   I know this addiction can be broken because I?ve seen and heard the testimonies of others. That's why I know that this journey is not meant to be walked alone.   In the midst of it all, we must remember the words of Song of Solomon 1:5 ? I am black but comely.?    AmyChristine (30) Flight Attendant 

 

 

Krystine wrote:

Read it and comment me back to help me please. I'm a christian. I'm a girl, I'm 19 and just found this site. I really found help through your testimonies, and I wanted to share with you my experience. I'm not even sure when everything started, It was a long time ago, since I have been using internet ever since I was 10. I never really had any kind of selfsteem or whatever, and never told anyone the dimension of my sins. Just like the other girl said, everyone thinks Im the goody-two-shoes, and I'm not even close. Tho my heart wants more of God, I still struggle every now and then with pornography and masturbation. I think I have been raised in a very conservative family and culture, which I hate cause my mom and dad never really talked to me about sex, which lead me to find it for myself. Sadly I started when I was 14 and hang out with my neighbors at night and found 3 attractive guys and started talked with them that night. So every couple went on their own alone place and started talking and stuff. so the guy I was talking to asked me if I my kisses were good. I was feeling incredible since he "seemed" to be worried about everything I was telling him, and so he leaned and kissed me. That was my first kiss and I was terryfied, scared and guilty, my parents would killed me if they knew. and so we sat down and he started to kiss me again and suddenly he started to touch me in an inappropriate way. I felt disgusting and left him alone. Since that time I felt like that was the only way to get's people attention, specially guys, all of my girl friends seem to be so popular and I felt terrible cause apparently i wasnt worthy to have a boyfriend, but oh my, I was only 14 or 15, and I didn't even need it. All those stories seemed to be so real and I was desperatly looking for love since my parents never really aproached me to tell me how much they loved me and hug me and make me feel beautiful. I also had 2 boyfriends which whom I didnt had sex but did some bad things, and I regret with utmust sincere. Now I'm 19 am still struggling with porn and masturbation. I feel empty, disgusting, not worthy of God's love, and I feel scared my younger sister will do the same thing. I absolutely love her, but saddly I never tell her. instead I yell at her and constantly bother her, I really dont want her to be like me, and I dont even know how to make her feel beautiful cause no one ever did with me. sometimes i wonder if I should talk with her and tell her all that happened to me so I can be healed and she can understand why I want to protect her so bad. I don't want to keep doing this, but I still come back. and everytime I fail i always end up feeling worst. I have pray for forgiveness, and I know God listens to me. What should I do, what can I do? I don't want to feel this wat anymore. I'm afraid I'll never find a nice christian guy to marry with :( and it really saddens me. and I'm scared this will affect my marriage, cause I dont think I will stop doing even If I get married. :( I'm still struggling with masturbation, is bad, cause doesnt fill your longing for God, and his true love. keep me in your prayers

 

mary wrote:

I am a woman addicted to porn. It's a love/hate relationship. My soul longs to resist, but my body always takes control and convinces me it's alright. I always go farther than I expect to go. It's weakening my standards of dealing with men in real life (even though I know those people I'm looking at on the computer are real). I've been begging God for help. Recently, though I've never had sex, I got the sudden realization that porn is not real sex. It's robotic, casual, detached. It isn't the passionate, intimate act of love between a man and woman as I believe sex is meant to be. And if it is something that special, I don't want to ruin my chance of giving that to my future husband if God wills for me to get married. I don't want to ruin my future with what I do today. Please pray!!!!!! I am so glad to have found this place! Turn off that porn! by "Rivka" 3.06.2010 Don?t hate me please Don?t take control of me Don?t throw away my things I?m hurt enough, I?m sorry for lust I?m ready to choose this myself Though I can't do it myself I?m praying for God to give me help. I?ve felt the growing addictions And had silent consequences The guilt that can no longer be felt And yet my soul is tortured still They think I?m a little angel They would be shocked to see me This junk doesn?t change my morals Or so I believed Till I saw my own reflection And melted to my knees Sometimes you don?t know what slavery is Till you hear the word ?freedom? And something in your heart awakes It longs to throw off all these chains Why don?t I see it?s a prison? I see what a shame it is to me I don?t want anyone to know of it But I know I want to be free And Jesus said, ?Go and sin no more? Go and sin no more Go and sin no more Go turn off that porn! Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

 

anonymous wrote:

I am a woman addicted to porn. It's a love/hate relationship. My soul longs to resist, but my body always takes control and convinces me it's alright. I always go farther than I expect to go. It's weakening my standards of dealing with men in real life (even though I know those ppl I'm looking at on the computer are real). I've been begging God for help. Recently, though I've never had sex, I got the sudden realization that porn is not real sex. It's robotic, casual, detached. It isn't the passionate, intimate act of love between a man and woman as I believe sex is meant to be. And if it is something that special, I don't want to ruin my chance of giving that to my future husband if God wills for me to get married. I don't want to ruin my future with what I do today. Please pray!!!!!! I am so glad to have found this place!

 

Angela wrote:

Hi, Im the daughter of a pastor and I have been struggling with porn addiction, masturbation and having sex. I have never said this out loud or written it outloud but i struggle everyday with watching porn and masturbating. I want to put an end to the road that I am continuting on and ask that people pray for me and give me the strength and will power to free myself from this. I feel that the more i continue down this the further i am from God and closer to following the ways of this world. Once again i ask that you keep me in your prayers

 

Anonymous wrote:

My name is Melinda. I am a Seminary student. I was sexually abused from age three throughout my teenage years by several men. I was addicted to masturbation and fantasy throughout my first marriage and married a man who was addicted to pornography and was divorced after 5 years. In the past year God has healed my wounds from the abuse, and helped me to forgive. My present battle is sexual thoughts about every man I come in contact with, coming out of denial, forgiving myself, and trusting in Abba God. My husband is aware of my struggle. Please pray for both of us.