Seeking Prayer

I have sinned A LOT this year against God by watching porn and masturbating. Please pray for my forgiveness. I want to have a clean conscience again :(

Anonymous wrote:

My addiction to pornography has turned my life upside down. My first exposure to pornography was through a childhood friend at the age of 8 but the curiosity exploded when the internet made its debut.    That curiosity  became addictive in nature when it became a quest to find what was so taboo about sex.  This all out quest was hidden from my parents while I used  their computer to access these inappropriate sites.   This downward spiral began with chat rooms through America Online©.   Like all young people, I developed a normal desire to know more about sex.  My parents and church taught me nothing; the only knowledge I had was from health class at school so I turned to the internet to find that knowledge. What I didn't realize was that those beginning moments of searching  the world wide web for information on sex soon snared me in it?s web of addiction.  I was as hooked as any drug addict, becoming engrossed in searching the internet for entertainment any chance I could get.  In my teens, it started with the chat rooms but also led to searching for erotic stories.  In my 20?s,  the search exploded as I became  desperate for more. I began actively searching  for pornography to fill my growing needs.  What started with  pictures soon led to videos, all being readily available on my  parent?s unfiltered computer. Then, as if the struggle with pornography wasn't enough, I was now  adding masturbation to this ongoing struggle.  Words cannot begin to convey the amount of shame I have endured while living with these  sexual sins.   These golden chains had their grip on  me since the tender age of 8 years old yet, despite this  shame (or because of it), I became a follower of Jesus Christ at 15 years old.  Now fifteen year later, as a 30 year old Christian woman, I am still fighting these chains and, let me assure you, It is not easy being a Christian woman struggling with this highly taboo sin of pornography.   I did not date much in my teens or 20?s. I didn?t need to since, in my world, pornography was my relationship.  I didn?t need anything from anyone. Pornography was a constant friend which now I label as False Intimacy.   Pornography is a drug of the mind. I could use it and no one needed to know. Unlike street drugs, however, I never had to interact with anyone so, on the surface, I could maintain the ?goodie-goodie? label.  As time elapsed, the addiction became a daily routine but, as with any addiction, there were often days where I had to search out deeper and darker things to get the same result.   I have now begun to realize that the addiction to pornography was a band-aid to a deeper issue, that being confusion about my sexual identity.  That confusion began in early adolescence and continues today thus leading to more confusion, isolation, despair and shame. In late 2009 I reached the end of my rope with this crippling addiction to pornography. Living with this oppressive shame and guilt,  in combination with my profession as a flight attendant,  severely affected my health. Because I?d spend hours a night searching out pornography,  I was sleep deprived in a job that already had its own challenges of sleep depravation.  My spiritual sickness was now leading to physical sickness but I still couldn?t seem to stop. In early 2010, I was desperate to make a change.  In February, 2010, I turned 30 years old and I didn?t want to go one more decade addicted to pornography.  The biggest jumpstart in this process of ending my  addiction to porn has been accountability. I have a wonderful spiritual mom who mentors me and has held me accountable. I placed filters on my computer and even went to the radical extreme of giving up my laptop computer for 9 months since I had to remove all access.  Computers that are not filtered or protected are dangerous to the pornography addict much like giving an alcoholic a beer to hold and expecting him not to drink. And, while accountability is a great step in the right direction, I also need fellowship and tools to manage my addiction.  For me, personally,  fellowship in a church body is critical yet my job as a flight attendant causes me to work many weekends thus curtailing the very fellowship I need and crave.  There has also been the need to belong and, thankfully,  this past spring the Lord led me to Dirty Girl?s Ministries where I found other women (believers/non-believers) who struggle as I have. Many stories are identical to mine.  I have continued my journey by joining a Recovery Group for sexual addictions and have combined that with Christian counseling.     Truthfully, I feel like I am moving at a snail's pace but I know God?s desire for me is to be whole and I will not give up no matter how seemingly slow the process seems.  Interestingly, I?ve also discovered I am an impatient person!   And while I have my days of feeling this journey or addiction will never end, I?ve also tasted huge chunks of freedom too. The enemy of our souls wants us in isolation and in the depression pit but, with Christ's strength and grace, I will not remain in that pit anymore.  Sadly, this addiction has consumed 22 years of my life . I lost part of my childhood, my innocence, time, energy, relationships, potential relationships, my walk with God and now my health.   I know this addiction can be broken because I?ve seen and heard the testimonies of others. That's why I know that this journey is not meant to be walked alone.   In the midst of it all, we must remember the words of Song of Solomon 1:5 ? I am black but comely.?    AmyChristine (30) Flight Attendant 



Anonymous wrote:

Hi, I'm Jeff, I've been masturbating and doing porn from soft to pretty hard, since I was 13 or so, I'm approaching 53... I'm free. After years of fantasizing, loose sex (I was drug addicted, needles, booze, etc. til 83), I got clean and then saved in 89, after being married 4 years, I kept a magazine w/my wife's knowledge in the drawer, as a "release" valve. AS I was saved, I became very convicted and shameful, I'm married to my 3rd wife, who is aware of my struggle, and with prayer, being transparent with my Pastors and Brothers and wife, I've found freedom! Deliverance Prayer through hardcorechristianity , Restoring Lives International, and accountbility, God's Grace has prevailed! Hallelujah! Thank you FBH for being here, I'm glad to have found your site, and the opportunity to testify, God/Jesus/Holy Ghost really cares, and is powerful to SAVE, HEAL and DELIVER! Jeff


Anonymous wrote:

My name is Mark Peters. I am fifty-four years old. I have been addicted to porn since my first exposure to it at age twelve. I became a Christian at age thirty-three. This did noy stop my porn use. A year later I felt called to ministry. This did not stop my porn use. In 1992 I started seminary. This did not stop my porn use. In 2001 I started serving a church part-time. This did not stop my porn use. In 2005 I started serving a church full-time. This did not stop my porn use. In 2006, after nearly losing my marriage, I started in therapy for porn addiction. In 2007 my wife and I, with (we thought) the support of my denominational superior, disclosed to our church that I had a year of recovery from porn addiction. The worst case scenario happened and I was forced out of the church. I relapsed in fall of 2007. By the grace of God in Christ Jesus, I have been sober now since February 14, 2008. The therapy was helpful, but I did not feel that I truly entered recovery until I got involved with some Christian based twelve step groups. (Celebrate Recovery was one of them.) Secrecy feeds addiction. This was part of the reason for the disclosure. We believed it was the healthiest thing for me and the church. It ultimately was for me. Even though we lost our ministry, my wife and I believe it was the right (and the best) thing to do. We would do it again because we are commited to a policy of letting the light into the darkness of porn addiction. I am in recovery, but I will remain an addict all of my life. If I forget this I am doomed to fall back into the addiction. This might sound horrible to those looking for a way out of this addiction. But it is something we must face if we are to stay sober. The way out is not an easy one. But our guide is the one who died for us making the way out. With such a guide we can walk this road until such time as when we will be transformed into His image. My prayer is that as more Christians find there way free of this terrible disease they will speak out, inside the church and out, to bring the words of healing to those who still believe it is hopeless. Afterall, how can the believe if they have not heard? Andhow can they hear if there is no one to preach? Or no one willing to preach? I pray God?s peace on all who are effected by this scourge of pornography.


Steve wrote:

Most stories start in the beginning. Mine starts toward the end. That's when the secret of my sexual addiction was no longer a secret. At the time, I was deeply involved in a vibrant church. I felt like I was giving it my all and I remember worshiping on Sunday mornings when?I prayed eagerly that God would use me. His response to my active seeking came completely unexpected and with such a jolt that it shook at the very core of who I was and how I perceived myself as a man. In my search, God began to ask me if I really loved Him. And, like Peter, I emphatically answered, "YES, LORD, I DO!" And, again like Peter, He didn't just ask me once. He asked me several times. I found myself getting frustrated with this nagging question, "Do you really love me?" I really didn't see what was coming next when God simply proposed to me (and there was no way denying it): "If you love me, then what about this??" He took a flashlight and shined it on a dark part of my life that I felt I had kept secret from everyone, from Him, from my wife, and perhaps even unwittingly to myself. I was nailed. I cannot begin to say how immobilized it made me feel. How could I hide the secret anymore? There was a part of me, I guess, that was relieved I no longer had to live in the secret but at the same time, if I had to be honest, there was a part of me that really didn?t want to give it up. What I was doing seemed pleasurable for the moment but in the end it was only temporary and ultimately it only brought about more emptiness and more isolation So, out of nothing else but fear I guess, I took the next step. Because I had to! I joined a group of men who were total strangers to me - men who were struggling with and recovering from their own sexual addiction. Never in a million years would I have ever imagined being this honest and transparent with other men; seems like it?s against our nature?Perhaps freedom began there, but in the early days I didn't feel freedom at all. I felt nothing but shame, guilt and condemnation. It was even weeks before I could muster up the courage to tell my wife of what I had been doing. The hurt and pain and anger and sadness she felt was deep, all because of my ?secret sin-life?. Whether it?s an actual physical affair, an emotional one or a fantasy one that comes about as you fill your eyes and your mind with porn, it?s still adulterous. My wife was able to share with me that was exactly how she felt. For me, it hasn't happened overnight. I've learned that I can be forgiven of my sin but the consequences of the sin remain. I sometimes wish I could magically make these consequences go away but I cannot do this any more than I can make my addiction just go away. So I work recovery. I continue to work at restoring my marriage but it's not been easy for me or for my wife. It grieves me that I have hurt her in this way. I have to remind myself that perhaps she may not ever understand my struggle but that?s ok. I just want her to understand how deeply I love her and that there are times when I marvel and I am perplexed at how fortunate a man I am to have her in my life. When Satan tries to tell me none of this will work out I try to remind myself that God?s desire is to redeem all of this. I am finding this redemption as I surrender to His will each day. My wife and I have settled the commitment issue in our marriage once and for all. We want our marriage to last. So we both work through this. Above all else I am realizing that there is no way I'm going to make it on my own or by my own willpower. God knows where my own willpower got me to in the first place. When I acknowledge my willpower has failed, it turns me to God. At the end of myself, I find God and I have to trust that He will do for me what I could never do for myself. I have to have other men in my life that I can be completely truthful and completely transparent with, even at those times when I don't feel like it or want to. And my freedom began there?


Pat wrote:

I began to look at porn at the age of eleven when a pop-up for softcore caught my attention. Since my family's computer was in the basement, keeping my activities secret was easy. When my sister watched TV down there, I would adjust the monitor, so she wouldn't see. Through middle school, I kept my activities secret. No one asked, and I didn't tell. My dad became suspicious, however, and placed blocking software on the computer, but I easily found loopholes. By the time I entered high school, I looked forward to coming home and checking the porn sites every day. So many nights, I stayed up way too late doing homework that should have been completed when I was looking at porn. Even though, the boys at school would openly talk about porn, I felt too ashamed to contribute. What was I doing? God obviously knew what I was doing, but when I desired sex, he seemed a million miles away. In tenth grade, I dated a girl who had been sexually active before. She felt comfortable opening up to me and pressured me into fooling around. Because of porn, I already knew how sex worked and I went too far! Sex is not restricted only to intercourse. I had tried to be faithful to my girlfriend by abstaining from porn, and it worked for the most part (I went one month straight at one point). However, after the break-up I returned to those familiar sites. Those made me feel loved, if only for a brief time. In eleventh grade, I learned that sex and pornography can be addictions. I looked back on all the times I had listened to sermons in church about the dangers of lust and sex. Every single sermon had energized me to quit porn forever. I never lasted more than a week (except when I dated). Using Google, I searched for a cure to porn addiction: step by step plans, strategies to avoid computers, but they never worked. I always wanted to go back. Prayer became a constant solace for me. Unfortunately, I never prayed before I logged on, only after I had sinned and sinned again. Becoming more and more desperate for relief, I confessed to my dad who had known for years. He installed a more restrictive version of the blocking software, yet I found more ways around it. One of my friends held me accountable for several weeks when I confessed to him, but when I improved, he stopped asking me, and I returned again. Christ had been watching and fighting with me the entire time. What scared me was that I would ask him to help me, but then do whatever I could to satiate my sexual hunger. These days, I will fight every day with Christ by my side, but I still fail frequently in His presence. The satisfaction I used to receive from porn has disappeared. I know that Christ lives inside of my heart, and He will not allow me to enjoy this parasitic sin any longer. I cannot do this any longer! In reading other's testimonies, I realize that I am not alone. We need to destroy pornography once and for all, so that no more people will suffer like me. The war has been fought for years, BUT IT MUST END HERE!!!



Adam wrote:

I am Christ Follower and a porn addict. I am married, and I love my wife. Porn is a temptation in my life. It is not a failing of my wife. It is a pattern of sin my body learned before I found a new life in Christ. When my walk with Jesus is strong, fleeing from temptation is easy. When I walk away from Jesus's side, down life's dark alleys, I cannot fight the call that porn has on me. I am not strong enough. It consumes me. I don't want to stop. Then comes guilt and shame and loss of fellowship with God, which is unbearable. I am blessed that my valleys are shallow. I don't ever seem to walk too far away that I cannot run back to Christ when I find myself in the gutter. I live the song "Undo" by Rush of Fools. To label me a prodigal or hypocrite would not scratch the surface of what's inside of me. I am going through a Bible Study group that is challenging us to be true Christ followers, giving our lives in total surrender to Christ. It has been exactly what I need. I am ready to find freedom in Christ. I read the Bible each day expecting to receive a message from God. I pray immediately in response to my reading, answering God in relationship. I start my day expecting the events of the day to continue the conversation. I only had the radio on for 5 minutes the other day. Just long enough to hear Rush of Fools talk about Freedom Begins Here. I know God was talking to me. Directly. I am a leader in my church. We are starting a mentorship program, and I was chosen to be one of the first to be mentored by our church leaders. I am praying that I can finally find an accountability partner that I can feel safe confessing my sin to. Our church has a "Celebrate Recovery" ministry that I am a worship leader for. I have never been able to admit my sin there. Doesn't that say something? Not only is church not a safe place to find healing, but not even in a recovery ministry at church... I don't feel safe letting anyone know that I struggle in this way lest I be cast out as garbage, unfit for service or any good use. It has prevented me from getting the help I need. I have learned a thing or two about recovery along the way. Every addict needs to commit to being clean and sober, beginning today. We all know what it means for an alcoholic to be sober -- they stop drinking. Even one drop is one drop too many. A drug addict stops using drugs. The only way a porn addict can escape sexual images in our culture would be to poke his or her eyes out! Instead, the definition of sobriety for sexual addicts is "no sexual act outside of a marriage relationship." You can see things... you will see things, but the only release is in marriage. So it is better not to see. It only leads to frustration. Accountability to sobriety is a key to recovery. It is a hard path to walk alone. Anyone who says they want to change but hasn't gotten rid of books, magazines, movies is still in denial. The first step to recovery is admitting that you are an addict. Often it takes hitting rock bottom before an addict will admit their sin and look for help. A spouse may have to show tough love to help their spouse. But they need to help their spouse find the right help and resources, and remember that we all are sinners in need of God's grace. Addicts are great at hiding their tracks. But honestly, I welcome support and help and openness with my wife. I can tell her what are my triggers --when I am tempted, what things tempt me. I can tell her how I hide my tracks, what I do so no one will know, how to tell when I am slipping, though I think she can tell now. I love my wife. I don't want to bring this up with her on my own because it is so hard to convince her this is my problem, not a problem with her. I am just not strong enough to fight temptation without a disciplined life. Most days are fine, but then in a weak moment I fail. Her help is the best help, but there are times she doesn't realize how much a magazine cover or even a sales paper left out can cause me to slip. I am hoping to find a safe accountability partner. I can't even imagine finding a safe accountability group. For now, my best accountability is first to God and second to my wife and third to my children. But more help would be a blessing.