Stories

Anonymous wrote:

I was sexually abused by both parents from infancy until I was 17 years old. My father taught me about masturbation and deviancy. Sex has always been a focal point of my life. For the first 17 years of my marriage I led a double life of porn shops, rest stops, adult bookstores..seeking and having anonymous sex with men...always looking for that thing that would complete me...I NEVER found it. I disclosed everything to my wife about 4 years ago and underwent therapy for the abuse, depression, anxiety, homosexuality...and now the sexual fantasies are returning. I have no sex life with my wife and I need help. On top of all this, I have two sons, 12 and 16 yrs old.

 

Anonymous wrote:

Hi, I am not sure how to write this letter. I went to your site and then thought I would write you. Here goes. I teach the youth group at our church, and my husband is a deacon. We were big into porn before we came to know the Lord as our savior. My husband still looks at porn, and it has caused great hurt in our marrage. Because he is a deacon, it angers me even more. Our church thinks he is this Godly man, and yet I know the truth. How can I get over my anger that everyone believes the fake that he is? Although these are not nice things to say, it is how my heart feels. He has been caught, and he lies about it. For at least 2 years, I have been dealing with his lies that He has stopped. I feel, also, in me not letting the leaders of the church know, that I am, in fact, helping him to hide and in his partaking in this sin. But, I also wonder if I want to tell just because they believe he is so good. It has affected our sex life, as he speaks of fantasies and I don't feel love. I have just became an object for wich he fulfills fantasies, and he has become just a means for my sexual gradification. But mostly I hate having sex with him. I have to pray everytime we are together that God would keep my mind free from engaging in the fantasies and yet to submit myself to my husband. What a struggle. I have lost all desire to be intimate with my husband, though our relationship started out to be very sexual. To be honest, part of me did not care if he was looking at the porn because then he would leave me alone. I would not be required to submit to him if he doesn't ask. How sad that I would choose for him to stay in sin to keep myself from it. To make the matter worse, the fantasies are of me with other men. As I struggle to have a desire to be with him, when I am, he wants us to fantasize about me with other men. I find this hard. Also that, why one earth, if he loves me, would he want me with another man. But, in all honesty, before we knew the Lord we would fantasize about us picking men up to be with us. Do you even need to know these details? The thing I think that is the worst of all is that if he lies about this, has he lied about everything else? Does he even really believe in Jesus? These are the thoughts that trouble me. Is my husband just a fake? I guess what I have given you is a testimony of how porn can hurt much more than the man (or woman) engaged in it. I have told him, that because of this fornication, I am free to divorce him. And, that I would tell the elders of the church. Those threats did no good. I have been honest and have told him that I hate the fantasy, but he continues to engage them every time we are together. He doesn't care about the shame and guilt it causes me everytime we are together. So I sin against God if I am with him, and I sin against God if I am not. I hate the works of the devil. How do I win this war, Lord, is my prayer. I am by no means perfect. And, I pray I am not self righteous and that the Lord may reveal the secreats of my heart so that we may both be healed.

 

Ta Ta wrote:

Hi. I remember being sexually abused at a young age. It was like a plague because I in turn abused my cousin. Ever since that,my feelings of self worth was messed up and love was and still is distorted for me. I managed to "do the right thing." It was a legalistic approach and I didn't know WHY I shouldn't do it just I shouldn't do it and the fear of not wanting to devastate my family, I kept myself as long as I could. But at the first sign of temptation I folded even though it didn't seem that obvious because it happened in subtle ways where I didn't notice the little warnings. Guys would invite me into that life and me not expecting anything would happen. I guess I was looking for one person as the exception of many who didn't want the same things as the others. I was crying out for hope and assurance in THE WORLD isn't that a laugh. I finally broke when I was caught off guard by a professing christian I thought I was safe with him even though I wasn't an active christian I thought I would be okey with him, but I know now how much of an epidemic it is. We struggled on and off again in that relationship wanting so much for it to work but the harder we tried in the flesh the more we struggled. It needed to be built on the foundation of Christ. I know The Bible says to get married if a couple can't control themselves because it's better to be married than to burn with passion but I felt I wasn't really saved. I wasn't walking with Christ. We didn't get married but our souls were attached and so I spent most of my time reliving that night and many other nights like it not knowing how to cope with it and struggling with guilt that I didn't marry him but the Lord reminds me that I was ignorant of this and I'm free. It was very hard to talk about my feelings to church members because everyone knew the man I was with and was going to marry because it was his home church we went to. I couldn't talk about such things. I didn't want them to know how I really was. My true self and so I went on without healing feeling like a hypocrite and pretending while I was hurting inside. I was sexually addicted after that first night I did it and I couldn't stop myself after that. I would go to various men until I got saved but stayed away from relationships altogether fearing breaking up because I didn't know how to cope with it. Eight years had went by without a relationship and I met someone but because I didn't deal with the feelings and didn't heal from the relationship, it soon fell apart. It's easier to talk a little bit about sexual addiction in one way because it seemed it was harder to talk to the former pastor and his wife. They seemed so distanced from that problem, but our pastor we have now urges us to talk to each other about our struggles- to be accountable to each other. I'm also seeing a CHRISTIAN counselor to help me through the effects of the abuse. First and foremost repentance is what she advises. But the most thing that helps me when I'm feeling ashamed or devastated is The Word of God and knowing He's the only one who really really wants to be our One True Love and the only One who understands to the depts of our souls what we really need. I'm finally learning that. I'm so glad for FBH. It really gives us a chance to open up after so many years of silence and to begin healing. I pray this testimony helps people somehow.

 

Angela wrote:

Hi, Im the daughter of a pastor and I have been struggling with porn addiction, masturbation and having sex. I have never said this out loud or written it outloud but i struggle everyday with watching porn and masturbating. I want to put an end to the road that I am continuting on and ask that people pray for me and give me the strength and will power to free myself from this. I feel that the more i continue down this the further i am from God and closer to following the ways of this world. Once again i ask that you keep me in your prayers

 

Anonomous wrote:

I'm 20 years old and I've been addicted to masturbation since I was 12 and porn since I first got a computer (most likely around 13 or so). I've been a member of the church all my life. The longest I've gone without masturbating in the last 5-6 years is only about a week and a half. Now I don't watch porn anymore but I fill that void with sexual activity. I feel so ashamed and disgusting every time I even think about going to God. Please, please, please, pray for me. I need to find a way out of all this. Thank You.

 

Erin wrote:

Sarah, I don't have the answer as I am in the same boat. My husband has been having sexual conversations with women online since before we married. He has sent and received pictures. I discovered this a few years into our marriage and he promised to stop. The cycle repeated several times and just recently came to a head. I am NOT willing to stay in this sinful environment if things don't change (I would leave but probably not file for divorce). In my opinion, raising a son in this atmosphere is too risky. My husband has finally admitted that he has a problem and is going to seek help. If he does NOT get this help soon and show that he's making an effort, I don't think I'll be able to stay. I really REALLY want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I've been the only one fighting for it. HE has to WANT to change. If that means we separate until he has that desire, I will do what I have to do to protect my son while still praying for my husband. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I have been scarred and completely depleted of emotion through this. It is hard to "press on", but I keep going back to that song: "When the valley is deep When the mountain is steep When the body is weary When we stumble and fall When the choices are hard When we're battered and scarred When we've spent our resources When we've given our all Chorus: In Jesus' name, we press on In Jesus' name, we press on Dear Lord, with the prize Clear before our eyes We find the strength to press on" Just remember... God HATES divorce. He said so. And if He feels so strongly about this, then he MUST provide a way of escape!! I keep hoping and praying that He gives that escape from this sin soon!!

 

Sarah wrote:

Well, after reading some of the stories here I feel free to share. I've been married for 9 years and feel that my husband and I have a really good sex life, but I feel that his porn addiction is eating away at our relationship. I have been praying for him and sometimes feel sorry for him because I know this is a demonic stronghold but at the same time I feel violated, or like he's cheating on me. I'm not going to give up on this marriage because I believe that what God has joined together let know man separate, I just need to know how to get through this challenge without acting out in anger, and disrespectful. I do know that this addiction started at a young age due to his father leaving tapes in the vcr. We have two boys and he has repeated this same thing in our house, so I prayed against generational curses over our sons. At first it seemed it was just magazines and videos now he's cross the line as to having sexual conversations in emails to actually exchanging numbers with one female long distance. How do I handle this the Christian practical way?