Stories

Anonymous wrote:

I am a 47 year old man and I am a porn addict. I have been addict to porn and masturbation since I was a young teen. Several years ago soon after my 2nd marriage began I moved into having oral sex with men. I always felt so discusting and cheap with every time. I felt so ahamed but every time God would be there wanting to help me but i would say no and turn from him. I have been lying to my loving wife. Recently I thought that I had been exposed to a std. So I cried out to the Lord and he was there just like always but this time i turned to him to find his big loving arms open to embace me and say to me welcome home my son I will remove this bondage of sin from you. And at that moment he did just that, I gave it all to him and every since I feel so much weight of guilt and sin lifted off me. Why Lord did I wait so long! God spoke to me that I needed to confess my sins to my wife and the ones that I have hurt with my sexual addiction to begin the healing and restoration of my life. I have told my wife about all of it. I was ready to be kicked out and thought she would never want to see me ever again! I have deeply hurt her by not the acts that I did but by lying to her for all of these years, disrespecting our marriage and breaking her heart. She told me that if I seek help for my addiction and problems that there may be a chance for our marriage. Thank our wonderful Lord! It is because of him that I still have a shot at doing the right thing. I pray every day for his guidance and that he continues to heal my mind, spirit and my marriage. I pray every day for anyone else that has this addiction and that they too will turn to God because we can not do it by ourselves! Only through our blessed Lord and his covering peace on all situations can we overcome our sins! Blessed be his name forever and ever!

 

Anonymous wrote:

My name is Melinda. I am a Seminary student. I was sexually abused from age three throughout my teenage years by several men. I was addicted to masturbation and fantasy throughout my first marriage and married a man who was addicted to pornography and was divorced after 5 years. In the past year God has healed my wounds from the abuse, and helped me to forgive. My present battle is sexual thoughts about every man I come in contact with, coming out of denial, forgiving myself, and trusting in Abba God. My husband is aware of my struggle. Please pray for both of us.

 

Cindy wrote:

Nothing would ever be the same. I could tell from his face as he sat there with me, hands trembling, eyes fixed, face tired. He had been through something. His shoulders hunched forward as we sat on the edge of the bed. As his voice poured out every distinct detail of the last three days of his life, it seemed to me we sat on the edge of life. New life. Broken and bent, he unraveled the tale of his pain. It was one I knew well. My husband had been addicted to pornography since he was twelve. Simultaneously repulsed and intrigued by the graphic nature of willing nakedness, it had hooked him. And the hook went deep. Like thousands of men, the intrigue of this intimate fantasy world provided a sick and sane escape when life got hard. The unconditional acceptance of beautiful, naked women who wanted nothing in return except to enter his head and make him king for a moment, had rocked our marriage. Despite repeated attempts to get free from its hold, including plenty of shame and rejection from me, my husband was a slave to its power. Until today. Today, Darin was different. He had returned from three days of what he calls ?A crowbar to his head,? with Dr. Mark Laaser. Mark had journeyed with him into the deep dark of the hook. King-for-a-moment had crumbled beneath the power of skillful insight, Darin?s deep sorrow and desire to get well and the indescribable power of a relentless God. We both sat in silence as he finished the story of his recent journey. ?Now it?s your turn,? he said. I cocked my head and looked at him in the same superior way I had been looking at him and all men who had the hook. My words were indignant, ?My turn?? ?Yes? he said. ?Sexual brokenness, like other addictions, is a family problem. If I am going to get well and stay well, you have to do it with me. We?ve both been sick and we both need to recover.? His words fell on me like an insult. I had valiantly stood by him, constantly prayed for him, sought accountability for him, put filters on our computer, gave him scripture references, went down to the altar with him and had gone to great lengths to make myself a romantic interesting and available wife. What more did he want? I had done my part, hadn?t I? Obviously, this was his problem. His sin. His weakness. His shame. Why should I have to get a crow bar in my head, too? As I sat looking at him with a glib, condescending stare, a hot feeling began to creep around my neck. I felt my hands begin to tingle as my thoughts raced back to all the times I had found my husband in the arms of other women via our home computer. Their perfect tan bodies, long hair and cunning smiles flashed behind my angry eyes. To me, he had violated our marriage vows and rejected me as a woman. I could never compete with all those on-screen images. I wanted to stab him. What?s more, his sheepish, shame-filled excuses and meager apologies when all the fighting was over held no comfort for me. I would just sit in a numb void with a steep cliff in my gut. Wondering how a good-Christian marriage could this kind of problem, king-for-a-moment went to work, and I sank in a pool of self-pity and rage. Incredulously, I sat on the edge of that bed and tried to find any good reason why I should go into treatment for his addiction? To accept that this was a mutual, family -system problem would let him off the hook. It also inferred that somehow, I was to blame. I was furious that he even had this struggle. I wanted him to pay. His problem had cost me a very high price and left a secret place in me emotionally bankrupt and starving. With my body tense and my head pounding I shot my wounded arrows straight for his heart. ?You did this to us. I want no part of your problem any longer. I hate your problem. And today, I feel like I hate you. Why did you bring this into our marriage? Do you know how much it hurts to be married to a man that wants other women? Why do you even have this struggle?? My whole body pulsed and burned as I shot and stabbed him with my words. ?Can I tell you something?? he asked as his arms encircled my sobs. I have never loved anybody more than I love you. You are my life and I am so, so sorry for the ridiculous pain I have inflicted on you. I don?t know if I can ever make it up to you. But you need to know something right here and right now about this ?struggle.?? Only the good guys struggle, all the rest just go ahead and do it.? With those words, time stood still. An invigorating, new awareness began to break over me: This painful drama of shame and rejection had suddenly become a hero?s story. He continued, ?I am fighting to be free of something that men everywhere use as a hobby, like golf. Our culture is entrenched in it. Men looking at naked women on the Internet is like a national pastime,? he said. ?Only a few of us really want to stop. Only a few of us see it as a violation of our wedding vows. This struggle that you hate is one we have to fight together, because I want to win. I don?t want to live like every other guy. I just want to be free. Free for me, for you and free for my God. Cindy, do you understand? Only the good guys struggle.? Dancing around us there on that edge was the consuming power of a relentless God and the broken heart of a good-guy that wanted me on his team as he was about to enter the fight of his life. So I did. That was two years ago.

 

Erin wrote:

Sarah, I don't have the answer as I am in the same boat. My husband has been having sexual conversations with women online since before we married. He has sent and received pictures. I discovered this a few years into our marriage and he promised to stop. The cycle repeated several times and just recently came to a head. I am NOT willing to stay in this sinful environment if things don't change (I would leave but probably not file for divorce). In my opinion, raising a son in this atmosphere is too risky. My husband has finally admitted that he has a problem and is going to seek help. If he does NOT get this help soon and show that he's making an effort, I don't think I'll be able to stay. I really REALLY want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I've been the only one fighting for it. HE has to WANT to change. If that means we separate until he has that desire, I will do what I have to do to protect my son while still praying for my husband. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I have been scarred and completely depleted of emotion through this. It is hard to "press on", but I keep going back to that song: "When the valley is deep When the mountain is steep When the body is weary When we stumble and fall When the choices are hard When we're battered and scarred When we've spent our resources When we've given our all Chorus: In Jesus' name, we press on In Jesus' name, we press on Dear Lord, with the prize Clear before our eyes We find the strength to press on" Just remember... God HATES divorce. He said so. And if He feels so strongly about this, then he MUST provide a way of escape!! I keep hoping and praying that He gives that escape from this sin soon!!

 

Bernadette F. wrote:

Let me start off by saying that I never thought in a million years that porn would ever be an issue in my life or my marriage. I've been married for over 11 years, and it wasn't until about two years ago that I found porn on our family computer. I was devastated. I thought everything in my marriage was fine. I was so in love with my husband. I knew that we hadn't been as close to the Lord as we were before, but my husband was always so awesome in my eyes that I didn't think it could ever happen to us. We've known each other since we were teenagers, and he liked me but it wasn't until years later that we finally ended up together. I was the apple of his eye...or so I thought. When I found the images and video clips on our computer, the stars in my eyes disappeared. He promised that he would never do it again, and said that even though he liked what he was looking at, it wasn't about me. I was so angry not just for me, but because we have four kids, three of them are girls. After trying to forget and slowly, very slowly trying to heal, I came to find out that he had started back up again, through picture messages on his phone to only God knows what else. This is happening as I write this e-mail. I decided to turn to an old friend of ours who is now a pastor, and he has helped us to get counseling from another pastor and his wife here in our town. Well, I feel so hopeless. I know that God would have me stay and give my husband another chance, but I just feel so humiliated, ugly & not good enough. I've noticed that I've become very depressed about everything. I want to believe that he wants to change, but I've found myself checking our phone records and also wondering if he had even been with another woman at some point. He's trying to be sweet and give me compliments all of the time, but I'm having a hard time believing that he means it. I mean if he really loved me and I was as beautiful as he says, why did he have to go looking at other women? I've lost all trust in him. My self esteem is gone, and I've become so bitter and sad. A guy friend once told us that if he was so glad that he wasn't addicted to porn. He said that it would be the most difficult thing to overcome because it was so accessible...and legal. He's right. It's everwhere. How can I trust that it won't happen again? I don't think that I can stand another broken heart. One thing keeps me here though, and that's Jesus. I can hear Him through all of the people He has placed in my path, but I'm struggling. It's so hard for me. I'm not even sure that I still love this man. I feel as if he's not the same man that I married. I find myself looking for someone that would tell me to leave and give up...that it isn't worth it...that it cannot be healed. But everyday I'm convicted. I can't stand the thought of putting my kids through a divorce. Porn has affected our whole family. It has caused hurt, bitterness, distrust, and I know my kids can feel the strain. I'm not sure how this is going to end for my husband and I, but I pray that God would just start a revolution against this industry. I pray that an awakening would be felt by all of those plagued by this horrible thing...that their hearts would be pierced by the Holy Spirit and their eyes would be open to the hurt and pain that this thing is causing in their lives and the lives of their spouses and children. I pray that God would help us to forgive our spouses...that He would give us a renewed hope and love for our marriages, and that the reverent fear that we have of Him would remind us of His word...John 20:23 "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained".

 

 

Wendy wrote:

My story did not have a happy ending. And I cannot even begin to understand why a resource like this was not available 10 or 15 years ago when I needed it. I loved my husband, was devoted to our marriage and patiently waited for him to pay attention to our marriage. This was not the case. One day, about 10 years into our marriage I had an epiphany. See, I had been praying and fasting (for years) asking God to get my husband's attention, with no answer. So this epiphany was the first thing I had "heard" in a long silent struggle. I asked my husband, out of the blue one day, if he was still engaging in what he said was a past college struggle (his dependence upon pornography and self satisfaction). He looked at me and said "yes." I was undone! I cried all day. I felt as if he had been "cheating on me." During the 4 years we dated prior to marriage he told me of his battles with that. But he had told me it was a part of his past. As the intimacy in our marriage dissolved and all but disappeared... finally this "epiphany" made it clear to me "why?". I did not talk to anyone about this because of all the shame inherent in such issues. And because often women would be told in response "well if you would just be a little more sexy for him..." But we all know that is not the root problem, and not a solution (many wives, including myself, were doing all they could to be a "sexy"... but in the face of sexual addiction, it is not enough). We ended up getting about 15 minutes of counseling from a Christian speaker who told my husband he needed to get a handle on this issue. This didn't happen. And within 2 years and a lot of painful bumpy roads, our marriage ended in divorce. The crazy thing is, I used to be the one who believed my husband was one of the few men in the church not engaging in these sexually destructive patters! I used to quietly sound the alarm at church that this issue was an epidemic rampant throughout the church (this was more than a decade ago)... but no one was receptive (even after a main deacon stepped down after confessing his addiction to pornography and lusting after many women in that church). So, I guess the only "silver lining" could be out of all this pain is that the "crash and burn" of our 15 years together finally led my former husband (per his confession to me) to cease these compulsive and destructive patterns... just in time for his new wife. Well, at least one woman will have the husband I was supposed to have. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to see that you are carrying out this ministry. Someone had to finally break the silence about this rampant epidemic in churches and Christian marriages! That voice was not mine, the marriage saved was not mine. But just maybe... others won't have to go through what I have been through.

 

Sarah wrote:

Well, after reading some of the stories here I feel free to share. I've been married for 9 years and feel that my husband and I have a really good sex life, but I feel that his porn addiction is eating away at our relationship. I have been praying for him and sometimes feel sorry for him because I know this is a demonic stronghold but at the same time I feel violated, or like he's cheating on me. I'm not going to give up on this marriage because I believe that what God has joined together let know man separate, I just need to know how to get through this challenge without acting out in anger, and disrespectful. I do know that this addiction started at a young age due to his father leaving tapes in the vcr. We have two boys and he has repeated this same thing in our house, so I prayed against generational curses over our sons. At first it seemed it was just magazines and videos now he's cross the line as to having sexual conversations in emails to actually exchanging numbers with one female long distance. How do I handle this the Christian practical way?