Stories

kelly fox wrote:

I'm battaling a husband thats addicted to porn and need advice.I can't help but wan't a husband that wants me vs porn.I want to be in love again and have that lust again.It's been 19 long years one 8 year old daughter.I'ts only time before she walks in on him i have plenty of times.I'ts time for me to prtect my daughter and find love again don't you think?

 

Newman's Wife wrote:

9 months and 5 days ago I posted my story. After 31 years of marriage, God began to reveal to me my husband's sex addiction. He had been an addict for 40 years. Our entire marriage had been nothing but a lie! My life was shattered.,,,,but, the story doesn't end there! We are going to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary on November 5th. That is the day we stood before God on a mountain top and said our vows to each other. The day that we became "one" in the sight of God!~ You see, we had never been as the Bible says, "and the two shall be as one" because there had ALWAYS been a third person in our marriage. Today, by the healing power of Christ, our marriage is whole. There is still a third person in our marriage but this time it's Christ!!!! I can't even begin to tell you what the Lord has done for us. He brought to life the scripture that says, "I came to heal the broken hearted and to set the captive free". We just recently moved to a new town and I am the happiest I have ever been. I have a new home, (we closed on it Sept 16, which was exactly 1 year to the day my life blew apart) in a new city, with a new man. Isn't God good! How did we do it???? I loved him to completion as Christ asked me to do. God was always quick to remind me that if I was to be a reflection of Him, I had to forgive my husband. And he was willing to turn his ENTIRE body, mind and soul over to the Lord. I am in the beginning stages of starting a support group for women that have been hurt by their husband's sexual sin. There are so few places for a woman to go when she's desperate to find hope. Our new church is on fire and ready to support me. My husband has such a heart to work in men's ministry's and to have one that really deals with the heart of men's issues, not just eat pancakes! I'm telling you all this to let you know that it can be done! A marriage can be healed and an addict can be set free! We are living proof!!!! Addict, remember, the only power Satan has over you is the hidden truth! And spouse, remember, but for the grace of God, the addict could be you! May God richly bless each and every one of you! Newman's Wife!~

 

Anonymous wrote:

My husbands porn addiction has taken it's toll on me, how I feel about my self is sad. I have gained so much weight and am totally discussed with myself that I don't want to wake up. There was a time that I was ok with me, I was serving the Lord with fire. The Holy Spirit shined from my eyes, at this time of my life there is nothing left. I am done, I want to love me again and have an intimate relationship with someone. Men who are addicted to porn, never have nor get that close oneness with a woman. I love Jesus, and I am moving on. Amen!

 

klyfoxx wrote:

I told my story a week ago and everyday I feel more and more angry with this addiction. 15 years is enough! I am now feeling cheated on and that there maybe a man that wants me not the computer.I don't know what he watches but I have a 8 year old daughter and I worry about child porn. Any thoughts on that?

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

I have been married 35 years in May, my husband is addicted to porn and I still have the pain that I have dealt with for the past 35 yrs. I didn't know these things about my husband until approx. 15 years ago. He knew how I felt about porn, being raised in church, and my faith in God, so he did it behind my back. I am now 55 yrs old and wish I would have done things differently, but I have two beautiful daughters and a grandson. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am considering a divorce. I am so lonely and the thought of what he does while in the computer room with the door closed just makes me sick. We went through this another time, I left for a week, and my reason for coming back then was the fact that he promised he would get rid of the computer and all of the porn in our house, he did but one year later he bought another computer, supposedly for me because he thought I missed our other one, well guess what I didn't ask for a computer and knew what was going to happen. He is deeper and deeper into the porn sites and the movies, the noise actually wakes me up in the night and makes me sick. I don't think I can take much more, I really want out. He has never been a christian and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I have tried to explain to him that Lust is the same as adultery to me, which he has also done in the past. I guess I stayed for the children back then, but now they are married and on there own, the want me to be happy. They have walked in and caught him and I was devastated. I am just sick over this and have been praying for years that something good will happen but to no avail. I don't know what to do! Who can love a 55 year old woman with no hope for her future!

 

Anonymous wrote:

Hi, I am not sure how to write this letter. I went to your site and then thought I would write you. Here goes. I teach the youth group at our church, and my husband is a deacon. We were big into porn before we came to know the Lord as our savior. My husband still looks at porn, and it has caused great hurt in our marrage. Because he is a deacon, it angers me even more. Our church thinks he is this Godly man, and yet I know the truth. How can I get over my anger that everyone believes the fake that he is? Although these are not nice things to say, it is how my heart feels. He has been caught, and he lies about it. For at least 2 years, I have been dealing with his lies that He has stopped. I feel, also, in me not letting the leaders of the church know, that I am, in fact, helping him to hide and in his partaking in this sin. But, I also wonder if I want to tell just because they believe he is so good. It has affected our sex life, as he speaks of fantasies and I don't feel love. I have just became an object for wich he fulfills fantasies, and he has become just a means for my sexual gradification. But mostly I hate having sex with him. I have to pray everytime we are together that God would keep my mind free from engaging in the fantasies and yet to submit myself to my husband. What a struggle. I have lost all desire to be intimate with my husband, though our relationship started out to be very sexual. To be honest, part of me did not care if he was looking at the porn because then he would leave me alone. I would not be required to submit to him if he doesn't ask. How sad that I would choose for him to stay in sin to keep myself from it. To make the matter worse, the fantasies are of me with other men. As I struggle to have a desire to be with him, when I am, he wants us to fantasize about me with other men. I find this hard. Also that, why one earth, if he loves me, would he want me with another man. But, in all honesty, before we knew the Lord we would fantasize about us picking men up to be with us. Do you even need to know these details? The thing I think that is the worst of all is that if he lies about this, has he lied about everything else? Does he even really believe in Jesus? These are the thoughts that trouble me. Is my husband just a fake? I guess what I have given you is a testimony of how porn can hurt much more than the man (or woman) engaged in it. I have told him, that because of this fornication, I am free to divorce him. And, that I would tell the elders of the church. Those threats did no good. I have been honest and have told him that I hate the fantasy, but he continues to engage them every time we are together. He doesn't care about the shame and guilt it causes me everytime we are together. So I sin against God if I am with him, and I sin against God if I am not. I hate the works of the devil. How do I win this war, Lord, is my prayer. I am by no means perfect. And, I pray I am not self righteous and that the Lord may reveal the secreats of my heart so that we may both be healed.

 

Jenni wrote:

My husband has been fighting his porn addiction for our entire marriage. In May it will be 18 years. I didn't know before we married that he had a problem with porn. He didn't tell me untill our first year of marriage. He confessed to me that he had been watching videos and had this problem for many years. At the time, I didn't really understand. I was raised in a worldly home and thought porn was ok. But, as time went on and he kept watching, I started to feel like I wasn't enough for him or why would he want to look at those other women in such a personal way. A way that was supposed to be only for us. When we first got the internet, he started looking on there. He knew that it hurt me, but he did it anyway. Every time I would find porn on our computers history, it was like a shot through my heart. First was shock, then anger, then a feeling of deep betrayal. Followed by a strong disgust for him. I also felt so alone. All the talk was about how to get him free. There was no one to help me with what I was feeling. I turned all those feeling inside and blamed myself. I started hating myself because I thought I was the problem. I thougth that I wasn't good enough; I wasn't thin enough; I wasn't sexual enough; I wasn't pretty enough; I wasn't doing something right. I checked myself over and over and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I became very anxious and very depressed. I often had thoughts of wanting to die. I thought that if I died, then God could bring my husband a better wife. Satan was lieing to me and I didn't even know it. It was such a secretive problem. I wasn't hearing anyone in church address this type of thing. Time after time, when I would catch him, he would repent and find help. I would think it was all over. It might be a year or so, and then I would find out he had been watching porn again. After awhile, I didn't believe his little repentant song and dance. That's all it was to me. Words. I was sick of words and I was sick of him. But I felt trapped because I was a stay at home mom to three sons. I had no money. I had no where to go. So I just stuffed it...again. But you can only stuff for so long before you explode. And finally in 2002 I had a complete mental break down. I lost it! They said I had Bipolar. They made me take all these medications that made me feel weird. I wasn't sure who to trust anymore. It took several years of counseling, but God has healed my mind. I'm no longer driven by self hatred. I'm no longer owned by depression. Our marriage has had so many bumps along the way. Along with the porn, there was phone sex, and an affair at work. I haven't been perfect either. I know my mental illness and many health problems and the garbage from the abuse in my childhood, have all taken their toll on him too. But I'm out of the blame game now. I really thought we were done with porn. The subject hadn't come up in about 4 years. Then all of a sudden, this past Sept. 2009, my world fell apart again. I found our cable bills and found out that my husband had been ordering porn on our tv for the last 8 months. I was shocked. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I felt like such a fool! How could I have been so stupid to not notice this. Actually, he had been very uninterrested in me for over 6 months, but I thought he was just tired from working a new second job. Or maybe it was because I had gained so much weight from the bipolar medications. Anyways, I was disgusted. I was furious! I didn't even want to look at him. I had to get out of the house. I went over to my sisters house and cried to her. I decided to stay with her for a few days. At this point, my husband wasn't very repentive and was defensive. I just kept praying and praying. I told myself that I couldn't do this anymore. My heart was broken. I wanted to divorce him. But again, I felt stuck because I couldn't work and had no way to take care of my sons. I decided that in my heart, our marriage was over. I would live with him as just a friend until our boys were out of the house. I was really done this time. When he finally came around to being broken over his sin, I didn't care. I had heard the same thing over and over again. This was a challenge for him. It frustrated him to no ends that I wouldn't just say ok, I forgive you, lets go back to life as normal. We went to counseling and he was reading like 3 books about porn addiction. By the way, which he had also done in the past. At this point, I had taken my heart out of his hands and locked it tight away. I was kind and respectful to him but that was it. Oh boy did he hate that! He just wanted me to be like every other time. Every other time I would blame myself and stuff it down. Well, not this time honey. I had learned a few things over the years and I wasn't going to blame myself. I had to keep telling myself...this is not about me, this is not about me! One day, a friend called me and said to hurry and turn on the tv. Gary Smalley was on there admitting that he had a porn addiction for like 50 years. I tuned in too late. I missed his testimony but I heard him talk about a new ministry at Freedom Begins Here. He talked about getting some dvd. So I went to my computer and found the sight. I ordered the dvd. I casually told my husband about it that night. At this point....I felt numb to it all. I didn't care about this new dvd. But thankfully God cared enough to get us just what we neeeded. After my husband watch the dvd he looked different! He said, I'm not a freak! This really is an addiction! He proceeded to tell me all about the dvd. This was new information to me too. Praise God..it was truth. Truth that set us both free. I am eternally thankful for that dvd. Now my husband has come out of the dark and has a new mission to talk to as many men as possible about the dangers and truth about porn. Praise God! I'm writing my story, because there is very little help out there for the wives. I've decided to put myself out there to comfort those who mourn like I have mourned so many times. May God use my story to help you. By the way.....it has only been 6 months and God has restored our marriage. We are best friends again. My eyes are wide open for the future. I realize this IS an addiction. It is something my husband, and now teen sons, have to deal with every second of every day. We live is such a sexual world. Sex is everywhere and it sells. But now I know it really hasn't been my fault. I know the truth now. Thanks again to Freedom Begins Here! Keep up the good fight!Keep spreading the truth. And please.....don't forget about us wives.

 

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