Be encouraged, friends! There truly is hope in Jesus Christ, and I am proof that He can heal you from your addiction. I'm a strong Christian woman who struggled with porn addiction beginning at about 13 yrs old (now I'm 33). I felt trapped by it, disgusted, ashamed. No one would've expected such a dirty thing from me, as I was the "good girl." It was a roller coaster I was on for many years. I would get away from it for a while then fall back into it again and again. I finally decided about 5 yrs ago to confide in a pastor friend. She said I was forgiven, and she loaned me a copy of the "Freedom Begins Here" book & dvd. Listening to the stories of others trapped by porn really opened my eyes to see that I was dealing with a serious and harmful addiction. That's when true healing began. I also confessed to a few other close friends who are strong Christians that I knew would help encourage & pray for me on this road. I thank God for His love, His grace, and His healing. Like other addictions, I don't know that the temptation to relapse ever truly disappears. I still struggle with the temptation on a daily basis. But now I can see clearly and I know that it's Satan trying to pull me back into his lies. That's not where I will find joy. I praise God for this clarity which helps me to make the right choice! Please, friends, don't give up this fight. It's the battlefield of the mind, and you can have victory with Christ. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 1:6 I love you all, and I grieve with you because I know what a struggle this is to fight against. Don't give up. Give it to God. He is able to heal you!
I was introduced to porn by the same man who would befriend me and then sexually molest me on his boat. I knew it excited me, was getting me the attention I needed, and was wrong. Even though I went through with it, I felt what I now know as depravity, and shame. I told no one, even though I wanted to. So I kept it inside to grow on it's own. I was 11 yrs old. Soon after came being introduced to drugs and alcohol, and a traumatic parental divorce that in one day took away my mother, who had always been there, and placed me and my siblings in the care of our father, who had hardly been there. Major abandonment issue being born. My mind and emotions were a mess, and my self degrading false beliefs confirmed I was no good. Needless to say, my sexual behaviors began to increase in both frequency and level of depravity. By the time I graduated high school, I had numerous sexual partners, of both sexes. I married my high school sweetheart and we had two wonderful kids. But we didn't know how to have an intimate relationship and we divorced. I re-married, had one daughter, and still, had no tools to use for an intimate relationship. My sexual behaviors became full addiction at this time, age 30 or so. My acting out became daily and more depraved. I was not seeking God at this time in my life either; I was mad at Him. There was no truth, only lies, and I was telling them and believing them too. I was a double minded man, living a double life. We too divorced but I was already in pursuit of the woman I thought would fix it all. Together we had the perfect family, each having three children, good jobs, the same dreams, humor, and sex drive. But this is where my depravity hit bottom. After 5 yrs of being together, 3 of them married, my business was over, I was drinking, smoking pot, and watching porn every day for hours instead of working on solving my problems. My sexual preoccupation was intense, and my fantasy life was at least equal. I began fantasizing about my step-daughter and seeing her as I did the women in the "movies". My relationship with my wife, again, was not intimate in the true sense of the word. We drifted apart, she didn't give me the attention, affirmation, or love I needed, but her daughter did. I left that home in early '08, and wanted to die. I had become the evil of which I hated. Back in '06, I gave my life over to the Lord, went to church as a family, prayed, read my Bible, went to the alter in tears, but still continued to act out. I prayed for God to cleanse me, to take it away and make me stop it all. I couldn't do it. And after a while of doing this every Sunday, and in private, He answered. I felt Him say "OK son, seems like you mean it now. Hold on because cleansing hurts, and by the way, I love you." I didn't understand this at first, but He revealed it to me later. So it came in '08 that my sins were exposed, I left home, wanted to die but God wouldn't let me, and I said I would turn myself in. My wife said they weren't ready for that yet so I waited. I lived in a storage shed for the next six months while I was waiting. I was still acting out and drinking daily. And then, after all the letters I'd written, texts I'd traded with all the kids and my wife, and all the love that was still there between us all, I was completely broken. I had drank plenty, and the hurt didn't go away. As I tasted the gun barrel and listened to the enemy scream lie after lie into my mind of why I should pull the trigger, God's whisper came even louder. I felt Him saying "No, this is not the way. Follow me, I have a better way." And then all I could hear and see were visions of happy things to come..of grand-kids, of joy, and love. So as He took the gun out of my hands, I cried uncontrollably and went outside and gave my 'nothingness' to Him again. Soon after, on a Sunday in church, He revealed Himself to me in a vision, and that day I went home from and through out all my porn...all of it. Then my eyes were opened to understand more and more of what scripture was saying. I was led by a supporting pastor to Christian Counseling, and then to a LIFE Recovery support group that the counselor just happened to lead. I soon found out about Mark Laaser's workshop and within 3 days was on a plane. That was God. Since then my life has changed dramatically. I did admit to and confess my sexual sins, was convicted of a sexual offence, spent my time in jail, and continued to seek the face of the Lord I had once seen. Today, 5 yrs from leaving that home, I am a new man. I am a new creation who knows God and has a relationship with Jesus Christ. And by His grace, I have also been given another chance to do things right and fulfill my purpose I never knew about before. Today I have a new wife, and 2 yr old son, and a new direction as a Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach specializing in Relational Improvement & Sexual Addiction Recovery. I now co-lead the same recovery support group, am involved with other recovery ministries, am associated with a Christian Counseling Center, have been on TV promoting healing from sexual sin, and will do what God has placed in my heart to do. God has proven He keeps His promises of restoration, of hope, and of a future in Him. His word is truth, and renewal can happen by being transparent, humble, and real. You too have a purpose and are loved by God, our Father.