Stories

Newman wrote:

I'm the guy my wife wrote about on Jan 30,2010. I have been a sex addict most of my life. I know the guilt of giving in to temptation, regardless of what temptation it may be. I know the shame of leaving a church because of what I have done. I know the agonizing prayers I prayed asking for forgiveness only to repeat the sin hours later. I have fasted for WEEKS for God to deliver me from the demons that dwelt inside of me. BUT NOW I KNOW FREEDOM!!!!! All of the years I begged God to forgive me and deliver me and save me and rescue me and wipe my guilt away and on and on and on was like the Pharisee praying because I NEVER totally released my will to God. There are no amount of tears or volume of prayers that matter to Him. He does not care if I've gone without food and took communion 6 times a day. There is NOTHING you or I can DO to be delivered. The ONLY thing you can give to God that matters is a completely willing heart. I am proof of that! In bygone years, I tried everything. Finally, last September, I gave it all over to Him. I had to tell my wife EVERYTHING I had done. That was about a 4 month process. I had forgotten many things that had to be recalled and confessed. God granted our marriage the miracle of placing a spirit of forgiveness in my wife. With His help and direction, I have totally changed my thought patterns. I can't tell you what I was, But thank God I can tell you I am a NEW MAN in Christ. Don't listen to Satan when he tells you there is no hope! THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!! If you are a Pastor, Deacon, Sunday School teacher, layman, or not in church at all, God can set you free! You need to find someone that you can be TOTALLY honest with. Someone well-grounded in God that will hold you accountable but not condemn you. Then YOU give your will and mind to God. You will never change your actions until you change your mind. Why do you think the Bible mentions the mind so often? A couple of my favorites talk about "renewing the mind" and "bringing every thought captive". Finally when you honestly commit to this, it won't come easy but freedom CAN be yours! Remember "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me".

 

Bill wrote:

I cant put a time to the start of my porn addicition,it was probably in grade school and playboy magazines.Then I found my Fathers hard core porno.Ever since this time I have been viewing porn and masturbating on and off for 41 years.I cant tell you how sick I am of this and feel God is mad at me for asking for help and backsliding so many times ....But I know God is A God of the many chances.I truly believe there should be an organization to fight this ,just like any other addicition,

 

 

Diana wrote:

I am 22 years old and at the age of 4 I was sexually abused and by the age of 12 I was sexually abused again so ever since then I thought sex OK and was the only way to gain happiness but I was wrong. I have been addicted to sex since I was 12 and the worst part yet was that it got worse when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. All I know is that I have failed God and sometimes I even think that God will never forgive me for what I have done. I have said to myself "why would God want someone who fails him all the time." and then I feel sorry for myself. All I know is that I need help and a lot of prayer, I really want to change. I do not want to spent the rest of my life failing God!!! I appreciate any prayers

 

Anonymous wrote:

Hi, I'm Jeff, I've been masturbating and doing porn from soft to pretty hard, since I was 13 or so, I'm approaching 53... I'm free. After years of fantasizing, loose sex (I was drug addicted, needles, booze, etc. til 83), I got clean and then saved in 89, after being married 4 years, I kept a magazine w/my wife's knowledge in the drawer, as a "release" valve. AS I was saved, I became very convicted and shameful, I'm married to my 3rd wife, who is aware of my struggle, and with prayer, being transparent with my Pastors and Brothers and wife, I've found freedom! Deliverance Prayer through hardcorechristianity , Restoring Lives International, and accountbility, God's Grace has prevailed! Hallelujah! Thank you FBH for being here, I'm glad to have found your site, and the opportunity to testify, God/Jesus/Holy Ghost really cares, and is powerful to SAVE, HEAL and DELIVER! Jeff

 

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 18 years old, and still struggling. This is even harder to talk about because I'm a girl. And apparently girls aren't supposed to struggle with pornography. But that's a big fat lie, because girls can be just as visually stimulated as guys, and we can be just as vulnerable and sexually-minded as anyone else. It began when I was just ten years old and I got an old TV handed down to me for my room. I was flipping through channels to see which ones were available to me, and I saw explicit scenes in R-rated movies that should have not been airing during daytime TV. And I was hooked. I fell so easily into that trap, and for nearly a year, I adapted to a cycle of hiding out in my room - locking the door, the TV volume turned down really low, clutching the remote and absorbing anything pornographic I could get ahold of. I justified my actions by telling myself it was educational - I was just learning how sex works. And I sustained that mentality every time I looked at it. I don't even remember the kind of relationship I had with God at the time. I had accepted Christ before then, but I didn't have the strongest relationship with Him - I wasn't living for Him. I was a hypocrite, and I lived as such. Everyone at school saw me as the innocent Christian girl, the goody-two-shoes. But no one knew what was really going on. My best friend didn't know. My family didn't know. Only God knew. And I ignored Him before and during the times I would get my "fill" of pornography. But I would cry to Him when I turned off the TV and my disgusting nature would sink in, and I would apologize over and over again, asking Him to forgive me. But I would always fall into the cycle again. So nearly a year after I had started, guilt broke me down and I told my parents. I repented, and turned away from it all. I recommitted my life to God at a Christian conference later that year, and I was on the right track to fully devoting my life to Him. I was homeschooled from seventh to eighth grade, so by getting up early and working hard, I was done with my lessons by 11am. My dad worked all day, and my mom was often out of the house running errands or meeting with single ladies that she mentored as a part of the Navigators ministry with my dad. So I had a lot of time to do whatever I wanted. And I had an empty house to myself, and a computer with no filters, no parental controls, nothing. I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I stumbled across internet pornography, and I was addicted, again. It's like, everything I had worked for, I had protected myself from, the relationship I had built with God - everything was thrown out the window for pornography. My desire for sex replaced God and attempted to fill me up. It became my comfort, my escape, my hobby. Of course, it was even worse than the TV porn addiction I had in 5th grade because this was the internet. And you can find anything and everything on the internet, whenever you want. And I was SO good at covering my tracks too. No one knew. It was my dirty little secret, and only God knew. I remember times when I would close the internet browser, put the computer to sleep, and stare at the blank screen, eyes wide open and I would sob and tell God I was so sorry. I would beg him to take it away from me. I didn't want to live like this anymore. But I wasn't strong enough. And as much as I wanted to escape that dirty addiction, my desire for sex was stronger. My pornography addiction led to masturbation. And at the time, I didn't even know what I was doing - I didn't know that what I was doing had a name, or that it was even wrong. But I would masturbate as I looked at pornography, I would masturbate when I wasn't. I would do digusting things, some stuff that I will never confess to anyone but God. I was completely consumed by sex. The only thing I wasn't doing was actually going out and having sex. When I think back, I don't connect my addiction with any other memories that I have of that year. I can't. It's all a blur to me, and I don't even know how I kept it up, how I was able to hide it for so long - I even hid it from my diary, in which I wrote every single day. I remember my parents tucking me in every single night, and my confession would be on the tip of my tongue. But I could never follow through. I just couldn't. It killed me to hide it from them, to be going behind their backs and looking at pornography when they weren't home. But I was too ashamed, and too afraid of what they would think, how they would never be able to trust me again. I remember telling myself that I would tell them in ten or twenty years, when they no longer had any control over me, when it would be too far back in the past that it wouldn't matter all too much anymore. My family and I went on vacation, visiting family in the Philippines the spring break of 2004. We were gone for nearly two weeks - the longest time I would have to go without pornography since my addiction had started up again. The whole time, it bothered me. I ached. It was practically a withdrawal. The night we arrived back home, I remember lying in bed, planning my next search for pornography. I actually planned these things. I never just stumbled across pornography - I went looking for it. Anyhow, as I was lying there and thinking about how tomorrow I was going to make up for the two weeks I had gone without pornography, God got a hold of me. And I couldn't sleep. Never before have I been so sure of His voice, so sure of His hold on my heart, begging me to stop. So I told Him He would have to help me, and I headed for my parents' room at one in the morning, shaking and crying, and told them everything. The first few months were technically easy considering I was grounded from everything and when my punishment was up, there were parental controls on everything I could get a hold of. But it was very difficult in mind and heart, as the desire was still there. But God was purifying me from the inside out, and I grew closer to Him. That night that I had confessed was my ultimate recommitment to God, a conscious decision to want to please Him, love Him, and obey Him. I promised to accept His help, and let Him purify me. I struggled a lot, but every time I messed up and caught myself looking at pornography again (I learned there were ways around parental controls), I would run back to God and run to my mom as well, as she has been my accountability partner ever since. And though I have renounced my addiction to pornography and masturbation, I still struggle. Actually, I struggle even more now than when I had first given up the addiction. Pornography makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel stupid, dirty, and ugly. And I go to it, hoping it will fill me. But I'm always emptier because of it. Only God can fill me up. Even now, He is working in me - to assure me of myself, to be my Everything, to rid me of my desire for sex and fill me up with a desire for Him. I'm a prodigal, and God has always been my Father. There is no way to conclude this, because it's still going on. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly free of pornography here on this earth. This is my thorn. And I know God will use me and my testimony, my struggles and fears, to help others and to ultimately make me stronger in Him. "To keep me from being conceited... there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 I'm not excusing this addiction to pornography, or saying that it's okay to struggle with it because everyone struggles with something and God will forgive anyway. But I am saying that it's pointless to beat myself up about it, and wallow in self-pity and filth and torment myself with shame and guilt. Only God can free me, and only He is mighty to save me. I have the dire need to break free of this addiction, but to also remember to look at it from God's perspective, knowing that He loves me and will always take me back, and that He is with me every step of the way. I'm fighting this pornography addiction on the field, and God is rooting for me.

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

My name is Mark Peters. I am fifty-four years old. I have been addicted to porn since my first exposure to it at age twelve. I became a Christian at age thirty-three. This did noy stop my porn use. A year later I felt called to ministry. This did not stop my porn use. In 1992 I started seminary. This did not stop my porn use. In 2001 I started serving a church part-time. This did not stop my porn use. In 2005 I started serving a church full-time. This did not stop my porn use. In 2006, after nearly losing my marriage, I started in therapy for porn addiction. In 2007 my wife and I, with (we thought) the support of my denominational superior, disclosed to our church that I had a year of recovery from porn addiction. The worst case scenario happened and I was forced out of the church. I relapsed in fall of 2007. By the grace of God in Christ Jesus, I have been sober now since February 14, 2008. The therapy was helpful, but I did not feel that I truly entered recovery until I got involved with some Christian based twelve step groups. (Celebrate Recovery was one of them.) Secrecy feeds addiction. This was part of the reason for the disclosure. We believed it was the healthiest thing for me and the church. It ultimately was for me. Even though we lost our ministry, my wife and I believe it was the right (and the best) thing to do. We would do it again because we are commited to a policy of letting the light into the darkness of porn addiction. I am in recovery, but I will remain an addict all of my life. If I forget this I am doomed to fall back into the addiction. This might sound horrible to those looking for a way out of this addiction. But it is something we must face if we are to stay sober. The way out is not an easy one. But our guide is the one who died for us making the way out. With such a guide we can walk this road until such time as when we will be transformed into His image. My prayer is that as more Christians find there way free of this terrible disease they will speak out, inside the church and out, to bring the words of healing to those who still believe it is hopeless. Afterall, how can the believe if they have not heard? Andhow can they hear if there is no one to preach? Or no one willing to preach? I pray God?s peace on all who are effected by this scourge of pornography.

 

Adrienne wrote:

As a woman, most people (the few who know) are very suprised to learn that I was once addicted to pornography. The truth of the matter is that there are far more women addicted than most believe. I was raised in a Christian household, and stumbled upon pornography around the age of 9 thanks to romance novels (something far too many people do not see as being detrimental). As a child I loved to read, and was able to read higher level material. Unfortunatly that material turned about to be books that were also far beyond my maturity level. I was extremely curious, and that led me deeper and deeper into an addiction I didn't even realize I was stumbling into. Within a few years I went from reading about sexual encounters to watching them being played out on television however I could. As I got into high school, my friends all had boyfriends. I, of course, was the only one who did not. That fueled my additcion. I would hear stories about all of my friends talking about thier sexual experiences and I thought I was such "a good Christian girl" because I was not giving in to the temptation to do things with guys. I look back now and realize that God was greatly protecting me from a real relationship, because I may have ended up sleeping with someone (as much as I would like to think I wouldn't have). I thought that I was being pure and that viewing pornography was not nearly as sinful as actually having sex. I also realize now that I truly did not have a relationship with the Lord as I thought I did. He was not nearly as important to me at that time as I made Him seem. About 4 years ago, I stopped watching pornography all together. Not too long after, I met an amazing Christian man. At first I tried to keep my past to myself, but guilt consumed me and I told him about it. He was extremely understanding. However, even though I was no longer watching pornography, the effects stayed with me. I started suffering from compulsive thoughts in my head where I saw everyone as a sexual being instead of who they really were. I enrolled in Christian counseling and found out that this is not uncommon. Because I was not indulging in watching pornography, my mind was satisfying itself. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. While my boyfriend remained extremely supportive for years and helped me in every way imaginable, our relationship did not work and we eventually broke up. I know that dealing with the effects of my addiction was a main cause, among other things. I am so thankful that God allowed him into my life. God really used him to straighten me out, and to enter into a close relationship with Him. To be honest, I don't think that anyone deserves to have to deal with the type of issues he had to endure from me because of this. My ex most certainly did not. However, God is good, and I have faith that despite all of this I will someday get married. I am now in my almost mid-twenties and have not viewed, or truly had the desire to view, pornography in almost 4 years. I also do not deal with the compulsive thoughts anymore thanks to a great Christian counselor and God. I know the deep destruction that it has caused in not only my life, but the lives of others. It ruined a relationship with a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It has caused me to be extremely careful about what I allow myself to read and watch (some people dont' understand why I won't watch almost every rated R movie or read popular magazines). I have to very much guard my heart and mind. However, God uses everything for His glory. I also think that because of this, I can help others and hopefully prevent my furture children from dealing with the same addiction. God protected me so much. I am still a virgin, which I am extremely proud of. And I will not date a man who does not agree with my morals. He continues to pour His grace over me, and has opened the door to lead a life where I don't have to look back at who I once was (although sometimes I make the choice to. When that happens He picks me back up and we continue walking). I still have much guilt and shame, but I am learning day by day that all fall short of the glory of God, and I am blessed to be out of that pit. I am terrified of the day when I find another great man who I have to admit my sin to, and risk him walking away. But God controls everything, and He will do what is necessary so that His will in my life be done. I know that He has great plans in store for me, as well as anyone dealing with this type of addiction. It is never too late to stop. God provides for every need! Anyone can be set free from this.