Stories

TS wrote:

I struggle with pornography. I never thought I would have something in my life that I hated so much. I am letting my family down and my God. However, I am trying to overcome this addiction and I do believe that I can and we all can achieve freedom from this addiction with the help of God. Many of you may also feel that pull and lure towards sexual sin as through it is a spiritual chain that reels you in. At times I question, How can I beat that strong lure? But I do believe that each temptation or trial that we face that is beaten is a victory. We need to start celebrating our victories and stop becoming so disheartened of our failures. Of course it is not ok to fail but do not let it linger over your soul until you beat your self into the ground. Stand up dust your self off and start counting your victories. We can do this. Remember what Jesus said, Do not worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. Therefore we must strive to beat porn each day. Don't worry about what will happen tomorrow. Win today :D We can do this.

 

Saved wrote:

I grew up attending church with my family. I went to sunday school and I would be in Christmas play each year, but when I reached Grade 7 I found myself falling away from God and his views. They'd started teaching sex ed in class and I was curious. Near the end of the school year a lot of the guys in my class had started talking about pornography and other sexually immoral things. (By the way, I'm a girl) That summer I started searching about sex and pornography on the internet. The thing is I didn't know it was wrong, but really if it's something you're not willing to share with your family then how could it be right? I struggled for the next few months with that idea. By December I was trying to commit to going to church, but our pastor had moved to an other church and I wasn't enjoying going anymore. I went to sunday school and met the new Youth Group leader. I started going to youth group to try and quit my problem but it wasn't that simple. My little brother's friend invited us later that year to their church for an Easter play. It was amazing! Everyone at that church was so passionate about Christ and I even new some of the other people who attended that church. From that point on I started going to that church with my family. I got up the courage to tell my mother about what I'd been struggling with, we cried and she held me. It got a little easier, but I was still sneaking into my bedroom every now and then. I felt awful after everytime. I was lucky enough to have made SO many more friends at my new church than the one I had gone to before. I met one boy - who is now like my big brother - who is so passionate about christ and who's really changed my life. I'm good friend's with the pastor's son, the only other person apart from my mother whom I've told this complete story to. Now I'm sharing it with any of you who really need to hear this. I am free of pornography now, though sometimes I do still have trouble with lust. I know that God is always going to be there for me when I fall and that he truly loves me. Christ died so that I could live and tell others of his love. Read the Bible; stay occupied - don't let yourself have a minute to ponder about sneaking away to look at a magazine or masturbate; listen to inspirational music. I hope my testimonies help someone out there.

 

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. My story? Hmm, it's a long one to sum up in 2000 words, but I'll try. My battle with porn and masturbation began when I was ten years old. I was sexually abused which began a long path downward. I had no idea how to express myself and the cravings for love drove me to seek romance novels, then chat rooms, then porn and masturbation. While a lot of the world around me was telling me that it was okay and natural, shame and condemnation became my life. Everything was a secret and it remained one until I was 16. I believed that while God was loving, I was such a bad person that His love didn?t and couldn?t reach me. My addictions drove me to depression and suicide. If God couldn?t save me, who could? With impeccable timing, God spoke to me a week before my 17th birthday and showed me Jesus. He took my suicidal mentality away and gave me hope for a rich life without slavery to addiction. Freedom in Him. I began to get rid of everything I could that drove me closer to porn, masturbation, and the world?s view of sex. That meant getting rid of almost every book I had, deleting hundreds of songs from my Ipod, and avoiding TV like the plague. It meant asking Jesus what sex really was because my sexuality was so distorted and confusing. It meant asking Him for guidance in how to get help. It meant talking about my secrets for the first time in my life. I had told my friends a little before but this meant stepping out of my safety zone and speaking about my fears and feelings and not minimizing my addictions. It meant many nights of tears and repentance and turning off the computer when I was alone. It meant not going to certain movies with my friends and spending hours in my room because the living room contained the computer and the TV which was always on (Do you know how frustrating it is when you have to do homework on the computer, but you don?t want to hear Two and a Half Men on the TV and you?re scared to wait until 9 when it?s just you and the internet) I have messed up, screwed up, fallen, sinned, back slided, whatever you want to call it. I have weeped at my failures and have hid my face from Christ. But he always gives me hope. Hope that I am free in Him. Sometimes it takes turning off the TV (I watch it occasionally now) and sob to Jesus about all my temptations. It takes studying His Word so when temptation comes I remember that He never lets me be tempted beyond what I can bear and He gives us a way out (1 Cor 10:13). I remember that He?s been tempted in every way and he sympathizes with me (Hebrews 4:15). It gives me strength to know that Christ has been tempted in the same ways and didn?t give in because He lives in me. If He can overcome it, He can help me overcome it too. And every time I ?slip up?, He?s still there ready to take me back. Every time. He loves us with a love that drove Him to the cross. He loves even though we nailed Him there with our sin. He loves me even though my porn addiction cost His blood. And I have freedom. But only in Him. You can have it too.

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

I started viewing porn magazines at the age of 7. My friends would get them from their house and bring them up to our fort we had built in my friends' garage. Most of my friends were 4 to 8 years older than me and had this influence on me. At 7, I didn't know what I was looking at but as I got older it became more seductive to look at. With the porn came acting out with my friends. I was violated twice by friends who were older than me and felt disgusted by it. This made me want to look at women more because I didn't want to turn gay. So years went by and I hid my struggle with porn as much as possible. My brother had porn mags in his bottom drawer that I found when I was 10 or 11. This fueled my lust as I would look at the pictures whenever no one was home. It seemed like a never ending cycle. And all this while being raised in a "christian home". We went to church every Sunday morning and night and sometimes on Wednesdays. I went to youth conventions but never remember ever talking about sex or porn with my parents or church. Ever!!! This makes me very upset because where is the church?? We're so worried about presenting a squeaky clean image that we don't help those in need. As time went on I moved out on my own and found where I could by mags and rent videos. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior at the age of 17 but I never gave him this part of my life. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone else so it wasn't that bad. It seemed fun and enjoyable. I gave up smoking and cussing and all kinds of bad habits but I hung on to porn. I had girlfriends and had sex with them but that was scary because what if they got pregnant. Porn seemed safe to me. Then I found her. That woman of my dreams. The woman of God that was awesome and wonderful and beautiful and loved God with her whole heart. As you can tell, this was a freight train running into a wall. I had know idea that what I had been doing since I was 7 years old was gonna devestate the woman of God that I had married. At first she didn't know the extent of my problem but as time went on, the internet came into play. Then we had children that we were supposed to protect from this garbage. What a mess I was. I didn't know how to stop. I kept telling her I'd stop then 33 weeks or a month or six months or a year would go by and I'd be right back to porn trying to hide it. I was such a mess and this was ruining my marriage. I wish someone had talked to me as a child, teenager, young adult. But there was no one. I felt so alone. Counselers would listen but never offered much in the way of help. Pastors would talk to me but after a few months and all seemed well, we would stop meeting and I'd be right back at it. I kept trying but I kept failing. Failing God, failing myself, failing my kids and failing my wife. I'd read books and watch videos about this problem and get good insight from these but I needed more. My wife heard that Gary Smalley was on TV talking this issue and caught the tail end of it. He talked about this website and all they were doing to try to help people with this problem. So she got on the website and ordered the personal tool kit and gave it to me to help me. It was tough accepting this from my wife but I knew she loved me and was trying to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. This video was eye opening. It talked about this being an addiction. What!? You gotta be kidding me! But as I watched it all made sense. And yes, I am addicted to porn. I saw the cycle Dr. Laaser talked about in my own life. It makes sense, and finally someone understands me. I also have 3 teenage boys and ordered the video about Fathers talking to their sons about sex. Awesome!!! The talk about endorphins was particularly eye opening for me as well as my boys. My kids now understand this battle they have with wanting to look at dirty pictures or masturbation and they actually thank me for talking to them!! Teenage boys thanking their parents for talking to them about sex!! Who'd have thought?! Praise God for this ministry. I have now found a men's group that specifically talks about sexual purity. They call it "every man's struggle". God is good and he has a plan to heal your broken heart. Don't give up, there is help out there and Freedom Begins Here is a great place to start. I still have my struggles but I have people to talk to about it and information to help me understand my thoughts. God bless you and stand firm in Christ

 

mary wrote:

I am a woman addicted to porn. It's a love/hate relationship. My soul longs to resist, but my body always takes control and convinces me it's alright. I always go farther than I expect to go. It's weakening my standards of dealing with men in real life (even though I know those people I'm looking at on the computer are real). I've been begging God for help. Recently, though I've never had sex, I got the sudden realization that porn is not real sex. It's robotic, casual, detached. It isn't the passionate, intimate act of love between a man and woman as I believe sex is meant to be. And if it is something that special, I don't want to ruin my chance of giving that to my future husband if God wills for me to get married. I don't want to ruin my future with what I do today. Please pray!!!!!! I am so glad to have found this place! Turn off that porn! by "Rivka" 3.06.2010 Don?t hate me please Don?t take control of me Don?t throw away my things I?m hurt enough, I?m sorry for lust I?m ready to choose this myself Though I can't do it myself I?m praying for God to give me help. I?ve felt the growing addictions And had silent consequences The guilt that can no longer be felt And yet my soul is tortured still They think I?m a little angel They would be shocked to see me This junk doesn?t change my morals Or so I believed Till I saw my own reflection And melted to my knees Sometimes you don?t know what slavery is Till you hear the word ?freedom? And something in your heart awakes It longs to throw off all these chains Why don?t I see it?s a prison? I see what a shame it is to me I don?t want anyone to know of it But I know I want to be free And Jesus said, ?Go and sin no more? Go and sin no more Go and sin no more Go turn off that porn! Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

 

Jenni wrote:

My husband has been fighting his porn addiction for our entire marriage. In May it will be 18 years. I didn't know before we married that he had a problem with porn. He didn't tell me untill our first year of marriage. He confessed to me that he had been watching videos and had this problem for many years. At the time, I didn't really understand. I was raised in a worldly home and thought porn was ok. But, as time went on and he kept watching, I started to feel like I wasn't enough for him or why would he want to look at those other women in such a personal way. A way that was supposed to be only for us. When we first got the internet, he started looking on there. He knew that it hurt me, but he did it anyway. Every time I would find porn on our computers history, it was like a shot through my heart. First was shock, then anger, then a feeling of deep betrayal. Followed by a strong disgust for him. I also felt so alone. All the talk was about how to get him free. There was no one to help me with what I was feeling. I turned all those feeling inside and blamed myself. I started hating myself because I thought I was the problem. I thougth that I wasn't good enough; I wasn't thin enough; I wasn't sexual enough; I wasn't pretty enough; I wasn't doing something right. I checked myself over and over and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I became very anxious and very depressed. I often had thoughts of wanting to die. I thought that if I died, then God could bring my husband a better wife. Satan was lieing to me and I didn't even know it. It was such a secretive problem. I wasn't hearing anyone in church address this type of thing. Time after time, when I would catch him, he would repent and find help. I would think it was all over. It might be a year or so, and then I would find out he had been watching porn again. After awhile, I didn't believe his little repentant song and dance. That's all it was to me. Words. I was sick of words and I was sick of him. But I felt trapped because I was a stay at home mom to three sons. I had no money. I had no where to go. So I just stuffed it...again. But you can only stuff for so long before you explode. And finally in 2002 I had a complete mental break down. I lost it! They said I had Bipolar. They made me take all these medications that made me feel weird. I wasn't sure who to trust anymore. It took several years of counseling, but God has healed my mind. I'm no longer driven by self hatred. I'm no longer owned by depression. Our marriage has had so many bumps along the way. Along with the porn, there was phone sex, and an affair at work. I haven't been perfect either. I know my mental illness and many health problems and the garbage from the abuse in my childhood, have all taken their toll on him too. But I'm out of the blame game now. I really thought we were done with porn. The subject hadn't come up in about 4 years. Then all of a sudden, this past Sept. 2009, my world fell apart again. I found our cable bills and found out that my husband had been ordering porn on our tv for the last 8 months. I was shocked. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I felt like such a fool! How could I have been so stupid to not notice this. Actually, he had been very uninterrested in me for over 6 months, but I thought he was just tired from working a new second job. Or maybe it was because I had gained so much weight from the bipolar medications. Anyways, I was disgusted. I was furious! I didn't even want to look at him. I had to get out of the house. I went over to my sisters house and cried to her. I decided to stay with her for a few days. At this point, my husband wasn't very repentive and was defensive. I just kept praying and praying. I told myself that I couldn't do this anymore. My heart was broken. I wanted to divorce him. But again, I felt stuck because I couldn't work and had no way to take care of my sons. I decided that in my heart, our marriage was over. I would live with him as just a friend until our boys were out of the house. I was really done this time. When he finally came around to being broken over his sin, I didn't care. I had heard the same thing over and over again. This was a challenge for him. It frustrated him to no ends that I wouldn't just say ok, I forgive you, lets go back to life as normal. We went to counseling and he was reading like 3 books about porn addiction. By the way, which he had also done in the past. At this point, I had taken my heart out of his hands and locked it tight away. I was kind and respectful to him but that was it. Oh boy did he hate that! He just wanted me to be like every other time. Every other time I would blame myself and stuff it down. Well, not this time honey. I had learned a few things over the years and I wasn't going to blame myself. I had to keep telling myself...this is not about me, this is not about me! One day, a friend called me and said to hurry and turn on the tv. Gary Smalley was on there admitting that he had a porn addiction for like 50 years. I tuned in too late. I missed his testimony but I heard him talk about a new ministry at Freedom Begins Here. He talked about getting some dvd. So I went to my computer and found the sight. I ordered the dvd. I casually told my husband about it that night. At this point....I felt numb to it all. I didn't care about this new dvd. But thankfully God cared enough to get us just what we neeeded. After my husband watch the dvd he looked different! He said, I'm not a freak! This really is an addiction! He proceeded to tell me all about the dvd. This was new information to me too. Praise God..it was truth. Truth that set us both free. I am eternally thankful for that dvd. Now my husband has come out of the dark and has a new mission to talk to as many men as possible about the dangers and truth about porn. Praise God! I'm writing my story, because there is very little help out there for the wives. I've decided to put myself out there to comfort those who mourn like I have mourned so many times. May God use my story to help you. By the way.....it has only been 6 months and God has restored our marriage. We are best friends again. My eyes are wide open for the future. I realize this IS an addiction. It is something my husband, and now teen sons, have to deal with every second of every day. We live is such a sexual world. Sex is everywhere and it sells. But now I know it really hasn't been my fault. I know the truth now. Thanks again to Freedom Begins Here! Keep up the good fight!Keep spreading the truth. And please.....don't forget about us wives.

 

Anonymous wrote:

I had the same addiction and could not stop on my own.I prayed about it several times and still could not stop.The Lord brought me through it. I believe that if you continue to ask God to help you and you believe that He can,He will deliever you. I think He just wanted to see it I was really sincere about wanting to be delivered. It was truly bondage before He delivered me because I had no control over my desire to want to view porn. The devil wants us in any type of bondage or "sin slavery",( that's how I felt,as if I was a slave to my addiction). That's why porn is everywhere, the devil has made it easily accessable. Don't give up on God. If you don't give up on Him, He certainly won't give up on you. Further more, don't give up on yourself. What I found out also was that the closer I got to the Lord, the more I was able to not only stop viewing porn but I was able to stop lusting when I saw certain women. The two go hand in hand. These sins just naturally went away. When God took over,it was if I did not have to "work" to stop lusting and viewing porn. Once you overcome it,( and you will) the devil is going to keep trying to return you to those habits. He never gives up. The more you attempt to overcome these sins on your own, the harder it will be to do so. Let God do it.Get closer to Him. As you do, you will find that He really is able to deliver you. Read your Bible and talk to God. The prayer dosen't even have to be about the porn addcition. Just talk to Him about anything. It will bring you closer. Because the Lord knows everything past and future, He knew that one day we would have these addictions. It may be a surprise to us but not to Him because He knew everything that we would encounter in life. Take heart in this; though He is not happy about the addiction, He is happy that you acknowledge that there is a problem and you want to be delivered. The worst thing that can happen would be to be in bondage to porn,( or anything else) and not see anything wrong with it. Nothing is too big for the Lord.

 

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