Seeking Prayer

I have sinned A LOT this year against God by watching porn and masturbating. Please pray for my forgiveness. I want to have a clean conscience again :(

Tough Nights wrote:

My first experience with porn was around the age of 11. It wasn't really peer pressure or family issues, but I was molested years before, which could have triggered it. By the age of 14, I was fully addicted to porn. Any time I was alone, I was attached to my computer. By God's Grace, I was saved when I was 16 and my life dramatically changed. The fight got harder only because I was Mentally fighting porn. I would shut down the computer so I wouldn't look it up and I even set a password on the TV for adult programs. Things got better until I got a cellphone. Internet access dragged me back to porn and nearly ruined my life, but God pulled me out. Til this day I am fighting back my urges to watch porn, and God is by my side. You cant overcome this without God and don't try to. This is my testimony. Freedom Begins Here.


Anonymous wrote:

hello my dear brothers and sisters, i'm omar, i have 21 years old and actually i'm struggling with porn addiction, its kinda hard to say, i was watching Jimmy Needham testimony and i saw this page, and i said "why not", a few hours before i was watching a porn movie and pictures and stuff, i start this disgusting sin at the age of 13 when i was in middle school, mom and dad are no christians, and they did not talk to me about sex and stuff, so i dont remember when was the first time that i watch porn, i remeber that i printed pages of womens, i accept OUR LORD JESUSCHRIST 3 years ago, and its a diary struggling and fight against that, seriously, i dont know what to do, is disgusting is just a horrible habit and i can't still fighting no more, im tired, i have a beautiful girlfriend, is from my CHURCH and i don't wanna lose her, specially, I DONT WANNA STILL FAILING TO MY LORD JESUSCHRIST, I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN HELP ME, AND IF YOU ONLY PRAY FOR ME AND ASK OUR LORD'S HELP, I WILL VERY VERY GRATEFUL WITH YOU, GOD BLESS YOU ALL, AND GOD BLESS YOUR MINISTRY, THANKS FOR THIS PAGE.


Anonymous wrote:

My name is Jeff, and I?m a monster. At least that?s how I feel. I have grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional home all my life. My father would physically and verbally abuse me and my two sisters from the age of maybe five on. Though thankfully, and I thank Jesus every day for this, never sexually. He would hit us and yell whenever we did something he didn?t want but my father was not my first incident of sexual abuse. My mother tried he best to protect us from his rage. When I was around ten or so, my sisters and I stayed the night at one of my mother?s friend?s house. Also staying there were a girl maybe thirteen and a boy sixteen years old. She was outgoing and we instantly got along but something about the boy felt wrong. When it was time to go to bed the girls went to one room and I was stuck in the same room as the sixteen year old. In the middle of the night I woke from a deep sleep to the feeling of someone unbuttoning my pants and pulling the zipper down. Even at that young I knew what was happening and what would happen if I didn?t do something. I fought with all my strength, knuckles white as I gripped on for life, and I cried. I didn?t fall asleep that night.. The next morning I told my parents but nothing happened. They talked to the boy and he of course denied it. A few months passed and the whole thing was passed off as the product of too much imagination. That was the first time I felt alone and sick and scared. Almost two years after that my mother passed away. My father became worse than ever. He would look up porn sites and magazines almost every day, not even bothering to hide his addiction. It was soon after I turned thirteen that my struggle with porn began. After my mother?s death, my father would drown himself in work and sin. One day while he was at work and I was alone in the house, I stumbled onto my father?s stash of porn magazines. I was disgusted at the sight at first, throwing the magazine down and walking away. But something kept drawing me back. I didn?t know it then but it was the devil drawing me into temptation. Several weeks later I came back to my temptation and I masturbated for the first time to my secret sin. And for a few years it was just looking at the one or two magazines my father kept around the house. But then I discovered porn on the internet and my secret sin grew out of hand. Through my high school years I struggled with my addiction. But I always went back. And then four years ago I finally accepted Jesus as my savior. But I kept my sin to myself. I was sickened and frightened but I just couldn?t stay clean. That sent me into the worst times of my life. Not only was I hurt and lost but I was lying about lying about my sin. I told myself I was going to change. But I just fell back into the pattern. But my first real victory came six weeks ago. I finally realized I was fighting a symptom, my addiction, instead of the cause, me. Since then I have been fighting for every day without the urge. As I am writing this it has been over three and a half weeks since I last looked at porn. I slipped once and I feel the shame and the temptation but today I am stronger than the temptation. I will be fighting for every clean moment every second of the rest of my life but as long as I am clean, I can live with that. But that?s not what I wrote this for. I think of my sixteen year old cousin facing the same choices that made me. I hope that he has enough courage to make the choice I couldn?t at first. I hope he doesn?t have to live with the regret like I have to. That is why I am writing this confession. My name is Jeff and I have been suffering with pornography addiction almost half my life. I am 22 years old and I finally decided to stop poisoning my soul with fake love. One day ago I decided to end the cycle of needless sin. I have decided put down my sins and to pick up the sword and the shield and become a warrior for God like a was meant to be. This is a plea to all those suffering with the same choice I refused to make to save myself. Never give up. There is a way out. Sometimes it?s a door and sometimes you have to make a door. Never give up. Help is on the way. It could be a friend or an ad for FreedomBeginsHere on the back of a Rush of Fools album. You never know. All roads lead to Jesus and so they are all blessed. Godspeed and God bless. Jeff



Anonymous wrote:

I started viewing porn magazines at the age of 7. My friends would get them from their house and bring them up to our fort we had built in my friends' garage. Most of my friends were 4 to 8 years older than me and had this influence on me. At 7, I didn't know what I was looking at but as I got older it became more seductive to look at. With the porn came acting out with my friends. I was violated twice by friends who were older than me and felt disgusted by it. This made me want to look at women more because I didn't want to turn gay. So years went by and I hid my struggle with porn as much as possible. My brother had porn mags in his bottom drawer that I found when I was 10 or 11. This fueled my lust as I would look at the pictures whenever no one was home. It seemed like a never ending cycle. And all this while being raised in a "christian home". We went to church every Sunday morning and night and sometimes on Wednesdays. I went to youth conventions but never remember ever talking about sex or porn with my parents or church. Ever!!! This makes me very upset because where is the church?? We're so worried about presenting a squeaky clean image that we don't help those in need. As time went on I moved out on my own and found where I could by mags and rent videos. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior at the age of 17 but I never gave him this part of my life. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone else so it wasn't that bad. It seemed fun and enjoyable. I gave up smoking and cussing and all kinds of bad habits but I hung on to porn. I had girlfriends and had sex with them but that was scary because what if they got pregnant. Porn seemed safe to me. Then I found her. That woman of my dreams. The woman of God that was awesome and wonderful and beautiful and loved God with her whole heart. As you can tell, this was a freight train running into a wall. I had know idea that what I had been doing since I was 7 years old was gonna devestate the woman of God that I had married. At first she didn't know the extent of my problem but as time went on, the internet came into play. Then we had children that we were supposed to protect from this garbage. What a mess I was. I didn't know how to stop. I kept telling her I'd stop then 33 weeks or a month or six months or a year would go by and I'd be right back to porn trying to hide it. I was such a mess and this was ruining my marriage. I wish someone had talked to me as a child, teenager, young adult. But there was no one. I felt so alone. Counselers would listen but never offered much in the way of help. Pastors would talk to me but after a few months and all seemed well, we would stop meeting and I'd be right back at it. I kept trying but I kept failing. Failing God, failing myself, failing my kids and failing my wife. I'd read books and watch videos about this problem and get good insight from these but I needed more. My wife heard that Gary Smalley was on TV talking this issue and caught the tail end of it. He talked about this website and all they were doing to try to help people with this problem. So she got on the website and ordered the personal tool kit and gave it to me to help me. It was tough accepting this from my wife but I knew she loved me and was trying to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. This video was eye opening. It talked about this being an addiction. What!? You gotta be kidding me! But as I watched it all made sense. And yes, I am addicted to porn. I saw the cycle Dr. Laaser talked about in my own life. It makes sense, and finally someone understands me. I also have 3 teenage boys and ordered the video about Fathers talking to their sons about sex. Awesome!!! The talk about endorphins was particularly eye opening for me as well as my boys. My kids now understand this battle they have with wanting to look at dirty pictures or masturbation and they actually thank me for talking to them!! Teenage boys thanking their parents for talking to them about sex!! Who'd have thought?! Praise God for this ministry. I have now found a men's group that specifically talks about sexual purity. They call it "every man's struggle". God is good and he has a plan to heal your broken heart. Don't give up, there is help out there and Freedom Begins Here is a great place to start. I still have my struggles but I have people to talk to about it and information to help me understand my thoughts. God bless you and stand firm in Christ


Jenni wrote:

My husband has been fighting his porn addiction for our entire marriage. In May it will be 18 years. I didn't know before we married that he had a problem with porn. He didn't tell me untill our first year of marriage. He confessed to me that he had been watching videos and had this problem for many years. At the time, I didn't really understand. I was raised in a worldly home and thought porn was ok. But, as time went on and he kept watching, I started to feel like I wasn't enough for him or why would he want to look at those other women in such a personal way. A way that was supposed to be only for us. When we first got the internet, he started looking on there. He knew that it hurt me, but he did it anyway. Every time I would find porn on our computers history, it was like a shot through my heart. First was shock, then anger, then a feeling of deep betrayal. Followed by a strong disgust for him. I also felt so alone. All the talk was about how to get him free. There was no one to help me with what I was feeling. I turned all those feeling inside and blamed myself. I started hating myself because I thought I was the problem. I thougth that I wasn't good enough; I wasn't thin enough; I wasn't sexual enough; I wasn't pretty enough; I wasn't doing something right. I checked myself over and over and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I became very anxious and very depressed. I often had thoughts of wanting to die. I thought that if I died, then God could bring my husband a better wife. Satan was lieing to me and I didn't even know it. It was such a secretive problem. I wasn't hearing anyone in church address this type of thing. Time after time, when I would catch him, he would repent and find help. I would think it was all over. It might be a year or so, and then I would find out he had been watching porn again. After awhile, I didn't believe his little repentant song and dance. That's all it was to me. Words. I was sick of words and I was sick of him. But I felt trapped because I was a stay at home mom to three sons. I had no money. I had no where to go. So I just stuffed it...again. But you can only stuff for so long before you explode. And finally in 2002 I had a complete mental break down. I lost it! They said I had Bipolar. They made me take all these medications that made me feel weird. I wasn't sure who to trust anymore. It took several years of counseling, but God has healed my mind. I'm no longer driven by self hatred. I'm no longer owned by depression. Our marriage has had so many bumps along the way. Along with the porn, there was phone sex, and an affair at work. I haven't been perfect either. I know my mental illness and many health problems and the garbage from the abuse in my childhood, have all taken their toll on him too. But I'm out of the blame game now. I really thought we were done with porn. The subject hadn't come up in about 4 years. Then all of a sudden, this past Sept. 2009, my world fell apart again. I found our cable bills and found out that my husband had been ordering porn on our tv for the last 8 months. I was shocked. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I felt like such a fool! How could I have been so stupid to not notice this. Actually, he had been very uninterrested in me for over 6 months, but I thought he was just tired from working a new second job. Or maybe it was because I had gained so much weight from the bipolar medications. Anyways, I was disgusted. I was furious! I didn't even want to look at him. I had to get out of the house. I went over to my sisters house and cried to her. I decided to stay with her for a few days. At this point, my husband wasn't very repentive and was defensive. I just kept praying and praying. I told myself that I couldn't do this anymore. My heart was broken. I wanted to divorce him. But again, I felt stuck because I couldn't work and had no way to take care of my sons. I decided that in my heart, our marriage was over. I would live with him as just a friend until our boys were out of the house. I was really done this time. When he finally came around to being broken over his sin, I didn't care. I had heard the same thing over and over again. This was a challenge for him. It frustrated him to no ends that I wouldn't just say ok, I forgive you, lets go back to life as normal. We went to counseling and he was reading like 3 books about porn addiction. By the way, which he had also done in the past. At this point, I had taken my heart out of his hands and locked it tight away. I was kind and respectful to him but that was it. Oh boy did he hate that! He just wanted me to be like every other time. Every other time I would blame myself and stuff it down. Well, not this time honey. I had learned a few things over the years and I wasn't going to blame myself. I had to keep telling myself...this is not about me, this is not about me! One day, a friend called me and said to hurry and turn on the tv. Gary Smalley was on there admitting that he had a porn addiction for like 50 years. I tuned in too late. I missed his testimony but I heard him talk about a new ministry at Freedom Begins Here. He talked about getting some dvd. So I went to my computer and found the sight. I ordered the dvd. I casually told my husband about it that night. At this point....I felt numb to it all. I didn't care about this new dvd. But thankfully God cared enough to get us just what we neeeded. After my husband watch the dvd he looked different! He said, I'm not a freak! This really is an addiction! He proceeded to tell me all about the dvd. This was new information to me too. Praise was truth. Truth that set us both free. I am eternally thankful for that dvd. Now my husband has come out of the dark and has a new mission to talk to as many men as possible about the dangers and truth about porn. Praise God! I'm writing my story, because there is very little help out there for the wives. I've decided to put myself out there to comfort those who mourn like I have mourned so many times. May God use my story to help you. By the has only been 6 months and God has restored our marriage. We are best friends again. My eyes are wide open for the future. I realize this IS an addiction. It is something my husband, and now teen sons, have to deal with every second of every day. We live is such a sexual world. Sex is everywhere and it sells. But now I know it really hasn't been my fault. I know the truth now. Thanks again to Freedom Begins Here! Keep up the good fight!Keep spreading the truth. And please.....don't forget about us wives.


Christopher wrote:

If you were to ask my favorite movie, without pause I would say Braveheart. I think of the story of William Wallace, even to his death he fought for freedom. In saying that I'm realizing how much of a fight it is for me to walk in sexual purity. For years I've been fighting porn and lust. I've lost many battles, but through Christ Jesus and Freedom Begins Here I am walking in victory. My church is hosting a course on Freedom Begins Here, we are going through the devotional and watching the videos weekly. I am starting to fight the good fight! I hope and pray that you are too! Through Christ Jesus we are more than conquerors!