Stories

Jessica wrote:

Today, I was feeling bored and when I have felt bored in the past, I usually turn to masturbation or pornography. But, I turned on a video that usually "gets me going" and as it was starting, I realize that I wasn't interested in it. It was one of the first times when I just did not want to watch what was playing on the screen. So I just turned it off. There have been times when I didn't feel like I had the power to stop. I felt so empowered today, though . . . like I could do anything. It's an amazing first step for me.

 

Rick wrote:

I am going to bring up a difficult topic. I have been in counseling for my sex addiction. The body of a beautiful woman is the crown of God's creation. It is the most visually stimulating thing on the planet. It is meant to be that way, but like most all good things, it has been perverted. We are supposed to be in awe when we see a beautiful woman. There is something captivating about them. Something that says, "Look at me" "Am I beautiful?" My struggle with porn began at an early age. I was about 11, and a friend led me to a historical find under a country bridge of a stack of Playboys in a box. That and some other abuse that occurred began a path of sexual sins that continued even through my marriage, subsequent divorce and remarriage. Some of my abuse came from my mother. (I am not dishonoring her here, but speaking the truth in love. It is not my intention to bash her, she did the best she could with what she had). I was not given the nurture that I needed from her. I perceived that she didn't love me. She would rage at me for the smallest things. This coupled with the fact that dad was distant and emotionally unavailable, caused a hole in the middle of my soul that I tried to fill with sexually acting out. I tried to connect with women in order to self heal the wounds, but found the relief to be only temporary, sometimes extremely temporary. A woman's breasts signify nurture, so I am very attracted to breasts. Her bottom signifies acceptance. If we were lacking in these needs in childhood, adolescence and puberty, we will try to fulfill them as an adult in unhealthy ways. At 12, I started masturbating, and at 16 I had my first relationship. I sought out "needy" women due to the co-dependent way that I tried to fix them, to help them. I tried to find someone as messed up as me so that I would feel comfortable. Due to my abuse, I retreated within myself and lived in a world of fantasy, and self medication. (Masturbation is a form of self medication because of the chemical response it stimulates in the brain). I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I was a lonely man, even in a crowded room, because I had built up walls of protection in order to keep people out. I couldn't and wouldn?t trust anyone, not even God. He is healing me, and even though I still struggle, He is always there to help when I ask. It has been a raging battle to stop patterns of masturbation and lust, but we can change the way we respond to women and our own "needs". Now, when I see a beautiful woman, or "my type" of woman, (I think it is key to understand what our type is) I am able to say to the Lord, "you made her really nice, but what I really need right now is you" It is important to be able to say to Him that we are hungry, that we are desperate for Him. I found that for me the key to replacing masturbation was to get deeper and deeper in relationship with God, our daddy (I mean no disrespect). The more intimately we know Him, the more of our needs He can supply. We need to marry Him. He is coming back for His bride. This is such a secretive subject, after all we should confess our sins to each other if we seek to be healed. But the art of finding safe people in our lives is something we may not take the time to practice. I am thankful to say that as of yet I have not found any Christians in my life to be unsafe. But I do know they are out there. I have learned that my love language is physical and that alone is a dangerous thing for a Christian man in a fallen world, my self destructive nature has used lust more than once to hurt me and those around me; wandering eyes, fantasies, masturbation. I didn't really know how much a wandering eye could hurt the person that loves you. As a man it's difficult to understand women on more than one level. Being single minded hasn't helped my ability to connect on an intimate level. I pray that God gives us all the ability to cherish and honor the loved ones in our lives as He cherishes and loves us. I have learned that the flesh is up against the Spirit and vice versa. Grace is not just the forgiveness of sin but it is, in fact, God's ability. I have learned to go with the flow but don't let the flow take you. I learned that the flesh and the devil try to forge us into to something opposite of God's plans. I have found that, above all, if you ever hope to overcome any sin you most read the Word of God. Plain and simple! If America had gone to Iraq with no M-16's, no tanks, no fighter or bomber jets, this is proportionate to living life without reading the word of God. After going through the trials I have been facing I have come to two conclusions, as I said before, read the Bible and it will guide you, also don't ever give up. I read somewhere once before, "You only fail when you give up." God bless you as you journey through life. There are so many pitfalls that the enemy has put before us. Beware of his devices and lean on the Lord and your fellow believers. Please if you read this brother pray for me.

 

Bernadette F. wrote:

Let me start off by saying that I never thought in a million years that porn would ever be an issue in my life or my marriage. I've been married for over 11 years, and it wasn't until about two years ago that I found porn on our family computer. I was devastated. I thought everything in my marriage was fine. I was so in love with my husband. I knew that we hadn't been as close to the Lord as we were before, but my husband was always so awesome in my eyes that I didn't think it could ever happen to us. We've known each other since we were teenagers, and he liked me but it wasn't until years later that we finally ended up together. I was the apple of his eye...or so I thought. When I found the images and video clips on our computer, the stars in my eyes disappeared. He promised that he would never do it again, and said that even though he liked what he was looking at, it wasn't about me. I was so angry not just for me, but because we have four kids, three of them are girls. After trying to forget and slowly, very slowly trying to heal, I came to find out that he had started back up again, through picture messages on his phone to only God knows what else. This is happening as I write this e-mail. I decided to turn to an old friend of ours who is now a pastor, and he has helped us to get counseling from another pastor and his wife here in our town. Well, I feel so hopeless. I know that God would have me stay and give my husband another chance, but I just feel so humiliated, ugly & not good enough. I've noticed that I've become very depressed about everything. I want to believe that he wants to change, but I've found myself checking our phone records and also wondering if he had even been with another woman at some point. He's trying to be sweet and give me compliments all of the time, but I'm having a hard time believing that he means it. I mean if he really loved me and I was as beautiful as he says, why did he have to go looking at other women? I've lost all trust in him. My self esteem is gone, and I've become so bitter and sad. A guy friend once told us that if he was so glad that he wasn't addicted to porn. He said that it would be the most difficult thing to overcome because it was so accessible...and legal. He's right. It's everwhere. How can I trust that it won't happen again? I don't think that I can stand another broken heart. One thing keeps me here though, and that's Jesus. I can hear Him through all of the people He has placed in my path, but I'm struggling. It's so hard for me. I'm not even sure that I still love this man. I feel as if he's not the same man that I married. I find myself looking for someone that would tell me to leave and give up...that it isn't worth it...that it cannot be healed. But everyday I'm convicted. I can't stand the thought of putting my kids through a divorce. Porn has affected our whole family. It has caused hurt, bitterness, distrust, and I know my kids can feel the strain. I'm not sure how this is going to end for my husband and I, but I pray that God would just start a revolution against this industry. I pray that an awakening would be felt by all of those plagued by this horrible thing...that their hearts would be pierced by the Holy Spirit and their eyes would be open to the hurt and pain that this thing is causing in their lives and the lives of their spouses and children. I pray that God would help us to forgive our spouses...that He would give us a renewed hope and love for our marriages, and that the reverent fear that we have of Him would remind us of His word...John 20:23 "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained".

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

My boyfriend is addicted to porn and masturbation , since he was 11! He had cheated on me with a previous sex partner he had for a few years. We have been dating for a little over a yr and he stops and then starts again. Everytime he cries his heart out about how sorry he is. This last time I just dont believe he will change. I just dont know what to do anymore! I love him so dearly and I know he is and could be an amazing man, but this effects every aspect of our relationship and even every fight we have which is now daily. I do not know what to do anymore, should I stay or should I go. Someone please help me!!!!!! He is now saying he wants me to be his wife, and Now I am not even sure I f I want to be his girlfriend. I do love him, and I wish I wasnt so angry and hurt. I have no respect or trust for him. I have became so paranoid about every girl and every thing he watches or everytime he is on the computer. When I see a girl dressed revealing it makes me want to cry because I know Dave will see girls like that all day! This is eating me alive!!! I feel i am not enough, unloved, and dirty. I have become to hate all men and I lost respect for all of them Now. I know this is so bad for me to say and think and even feel. I do not want this pain or anger anymore!!!! For a new update. He started it back up agian. The day my uncle passed away I called my dave to cry to him. He ignored my call because he was doing this! It was my Birthday too!

 

Pat wrote:

I began to look at porn at the age of eleven when a pop-up for softcore caught my attention. Since my family's computer was in the basement, keeping my activities secret was easy. When my sister watched TV down there, I would adjust the monitor, so she wouldn't see. Through middle school, I kept my activities secret. No one asked, and I didn't tell. My dad became suspicious, however, and placed blocking software on the computer, but I easily found loopholes. By the time I entered high school, I looked forward to coming home and checking the porn sites every day. So many nights, I stayed up way too late doing homework that should have been completed when I was looking at porn. Even though, the boys at school would openly talk about porn, I felt too ashamed to contribute. What was I doing? God obviously knew what I was doing, but when I desired sex, he seemed a million miles away. In tenth grade, I dated a girl who had been sexually active before. She felt comfortable opening up to me and pressured me into fooling around. Because of porn, I already knew how sex worked and I went too far! Sex is not restricted only to intercourse. I had tried to be faithful to my girlfriend by abstaining from porn, and it worked for the most part (I went one month straight at one point). However, after the break-up I returned to those familiar sites. Those made me feel loved, if only for a brief time. In eleventh grade, I learned that sex and pornography can be addictions. I looked back on all the times I had listened to sermons in church about the dangers of lust and sex. Every single sermon had energized me to quit porn forever. I never lasted more than a week (except when I dated). Using Google, I searched for a cure to porn addiction: step by step plans, strategies to avoid computers, but they never worked. I always wanted to go back. Prayer became a constant solace for me. Unfortunately, I never prayed before I logged on, only after I had sinned and sinned again. Becoming more and more desperate for relief, I confessed to my dad who had known for years. He installed a more restrictive version of the blocking software, yet I found more ways around it. One of my friends held me accountable for several weeks when I confessed to him, but when I improved, he stopped asking me, and I returned again. Christ had been watching and fighting with me the entire time. What scared me was that I would ask him to help me, but then do whatever I could to satiate my sexual hunger. These days, I will fight every day with Christ by my side, but I still fail frequently in His presence. The satisfaction I used to receive from porn has disappeared. I know that Christ lives inside of my heart, and He will not allow me to enjoy this parasitic sin any longer. I cannot do this any longer! In reading other's testimonies, I realize that I am not alone. We need to destroy pornography once and for all, so that no more people will suffer like me. The war has been fought for years, BUT IT MUST END HERE!!!

 

 

Paul wrote:

I first encountered a stash of Playboy magazines at a relatives house one holiday in the late 60's. I was about 8 years old. Granted the level of explicitness was tame compared to today's standards, but I was hooked nonetheless. Over time I proceeded to find pornography everywhere. In my father's closet, at friend's homes, in books at the library, even in movie theaters (when I could sneak into an "M" movie). I vowed by the time I reached the 6th grade that I would be a Playboy photog as a career man. Little did I understand the re-wiring I had gone through. Little did I know how intense the hunger and thirst for sexual stimulation would be. My Boy Scout leader captivated us with stories of his sexual exploits (he was lying). In high school, we began to experiment with marijuana, alcohol and pornography as a dangerous combination that quenched spiritual life, inhibitions, and common sense. I lost my virginity in the back seat of my parents Olds Cutlass. Most of my friends did, too. I suffered from depression after acting out and tried to explain my moods as the creative angst of youth. Right. I hid my behavior well enough to not get caught. I figured this was just the way it was going to be. With the advent of home video came the beginning of the end for me. I was already over stimulated by still images and personal sexual encounters. But video opened a completely different doorway for me... I began to lose myself for hours and days. I lived in a fraternity house where even worse behaviors ran rampant. Although I never stepped beyond the bounds of heterosexual behaviors, the fraternity brothers had many aberrations to share. I began to retreat into my personal sexual fantasies. I began to die. During this time period, close friend shared his newfound relationship with Jesus Christ and encouraged me to read my Bible. I would read the Word, remember the early days of religious training, pray to Jesus, thank Him for dying on the Cross for me, all the while a stack of pornography lie under my bed. I was a double minded man, completely unstable in all my ways. At the end of that school year I moved back home. I was no longer sexually active (aside from self gratification) and became more depressed, working three jobs and focusing on everything but the source of my pain. But during this time, I slowly began to move from darkness into light and committed my life to Jesus Christ in March of 1980. I have struggled on and off with pornography over the subsequent years. The ease of availability on the Internet posed a particular problem for me. Anonymity and no cost made for a dangerous combination. I have had several key encounters with Christian leaders who lovingly and gracefully showed me a better way and have held me accountable for my time online. My wife has stood with me, has loved me despite past mistakes and willful wanderings. Today I am a staunch advocate of accountability software and radical accountability to keep my life pure and to help others do the same. I am walking in freedom from the nagging itch to look, lust, and lose the battle of personal holiness. And I am engaging others to step into the higher calling of walking free from pornography and sexual sin. By God's grace, I am free!

 

 

Jeff wrote:

I would like to make this plea to the churches and pastors of America. I have been into pornography since my youth. I gave my heart to Jesus in 1980, and the reality is that I continued to struggle with pornography for twenty-eight miserable years and through two broken marriages, because I didn't know where to turn, out of fear of being ostracized from the church. I tried but couldn't do it on my own. The statistics say that 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce. The statistics also say that 50% of Christian men (including pastors) and 20% of Christian women struggle with pornography. Do you not see the correlation. It's not easy to deal with such a touchy subject, but the churches deafening silence on the subject has caused sexual addiction and divorce to reach epidemic proportion in the church. Pastors are the shepherds that are to protect their flock from the wolves. The latest wolf at the door is pornography, when are you going to do what your pastoral calling demands that you do. Now there are excellent materials out there for you, the weapons you need to combat the problem. Over one third of your congregation is under attack, you can't wait any longer. Just do it! James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do goood, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.