Stories

Ta Ta wrote:

Hi. I remember being sexually abused at a young age. It was like a plague because I in turn abused my cousin. Ever since that,my feelings of self worth was messed up and love was and still is distorted for me. I managed to "do the right thing." It was a legalistic approach and I didn't know WHY I shouldn't do it just I shouldn't do it and the fear of not wanting to devastate my family, I kept myself as long as I could. But at the first sign of temptation I folded even though it didn't seem that obvious because it happened in subtle ways where I didn't notice the little warnings. Guys would invite me into that life and me not expecting anything would happen. I guess I was looking for one person as the exception of many who didn't want the same things as the others. I was crying out for hope and assurance in THE WORLD isn't that a laugh. I finally broke when I was caught off guard by a professing christian I thought I was safe with him even though I wasn't an active christian I thought I would be okey with him, but I know now how much of an epidemic it is. We struggled on and off again in that relationship wanting so much for it to work but the harder we tried in the flesh the more we struggled. It needed to be built on the foundation of Christ. I know The Bible says to get married if a couple can't control themselves because it's better to be married than to burn with passion but I felt I wasn't really saved. I wasn't walking with Christ. We didn't get married but our souls were attached and so I spent most of my time reliving that night and many other nights like it not knowing how to cope with it and struggling with guilt that I didn't marry him but the Lord reminds me that I was ignorant of this and I'm free. It was very hard to talk about my feelings to church members because everyone knew the man I was with and was going to marry because it was his home church we went to. I couldn't talk about such things. I didn't want them to know how I really was. My true self and so I went on without healing feeling like a hypocrite and pretending while I was hurting inside. I was sexually addicted after that first night I did it and I couldn't stop myself after that. I would go to various men until I got saved but stayed away from relationships altogether fearing breaking up because I didn't know how to cope with it. Eight years had went by without a relationship and I met someone but because I didn't deal with the feelings and didn't heal from the relationship, it soon fell apart. It's easier to talk a little bit about sexual addiction in one way because it seemed it was harder to talk to the former pastor and his wife. They seemed so distanced from that problem, but our pastor we have now urges us to talk to each other about our struggles- to be accountable to each other. I'm also seeing a CHRISTIAN counselor to help me through the effects of the abuse. First and foremost repentance is what she advises. But the most thing that helps me when I'm feeling ashamed or devastated is The Word of God and knowing He's the only one who really really wants to be our One True Love and the only One who understands to the depts of our souls what we really need. I'm finally learning that. I'm so glad for FBH. It really gives us a chance to open up after so many years of silence and to begin healing. I pray this testimony helps people somehow.

 

Anonymous wrote:

when i was about 12 or 13 years old and started to go through puberty, i got curious about sex like every teenage boy does. so i decided to "research" sex and learn about it. but when i got online the first images that popped up were pictures of gay porn. it disgusted me to see it, but because it was my first exposure to anything to do with sex, it sucked me in. all throughout my teen years i kept looking up the gay porn as a way to relieve stress. and being a preacher's kid builds up a lot of stress. but the fact that i was looking up gay porn was another stress because i had to hide it from everyone, so started the vicious circle. as i went through middle and high school, i struggled with my sexual identity because of the gay porn. i didn't consider myself gay, but i kept thinking of the images i had seen on the internet and was confused by the appeal that they had on me.i never dated as a teenager, partly because i didn't want to have a realtionship that wouldn't last past high school but also partially because of my sexual ambivalence. i started getting sloppy with hiding it, so my parents found the porn on our computer about half-way through my first semester of senior year. my dad talked with me about it but it felt more like an investigation than it did an "i'm worried for you" conversation. because the porn was of a homosexual nature, they sent me too a christian counselor to talk about it. that went nowhere. he never took me seriously when i said i wasn't where i should be spiritually. he just said "you're very mature for your age, and seem to be right where you should be spiritually." he also said that i wasn't addicted to porn because it wasn't a "gotta have it" kind of thing, just a stress reliever. whatever. stress-reliever or not, it's an addiction, if only a minimal one. i still have trouble with it. every day. but i know now that i'm definitley not gay, it's just the images that i'm addicted to. i'm not naive enough to think that it'll just go away, it's gonna be a daily struggle. especially since life=stress. just this summer i lost my grandma to liver disease, which caused me to look up the porn all over again to forget about all of the grief after having been clean for months. but i'm slowly getting help. i've talked to a friend about all of this, absolutely everything, and that has really helped me focus on getting and staying clean. non-transperency in the church needs to be obliterated. if i knew that i could trust the men in my church not to judge me, but to help me, my problem with porn and homosexuality could have been cut-off from the very beginning. but my fear of being rejected by the church and possibly losing my dad his job has made me bottle it all up for the last seven years. freedombeginshere.org has truly helped me realize that the only way to 'recover' is to talk about it. so speak up!

 

anonymous wrote:

I am 18, and I really don't know how I first started watching porn. I was about 13 or so when I started masturbating, and about 15 when I started watching porn, some even gay porn. I have been a christian for 9 years now, and I feel absolutely horrible. I don't feel like I can help others or be a part of a youth group. I don't wanna tell anybody because the judgement I will receive, but I Want Help. I can't have a steady relationship because I feel like I'm not worthy of having a girlfriend. I don't know what to do, but I know I don't want to continue to watch porn.It is slowly but surely ruining my self being. Please pray for me. I want to be able to grow up and have a family but I don't feel like I will ever make it that far. I pray to be free from this, but I keep watching. Please, Please pray for me and all other who are like me.

 

Jennie wrote:

I have been married for over 33yrs.We meet by attending a christian fellowship. He was 20 and I was 18 when we married. Recently I had been in a deep depression for around a year and didn't understand why exactly. Recently I found some pornography on the computer and my husband refused to talk about it. I know he lies to me about even the smallest of things and refuses to discuss anything with me(I know I shouldn't judge). When I asked about the pornography he denied it and said "You don't know what I do when I'm not here." This is true because he runs a computer company that we are both company directors in and he leaves early in the morning and returns much later in the evening than he says he will be home.I haven't been involved with the company for at least the past 7 years and prior to that only in matters that he allowed me to be involved with (he is in total control). I really don't know him any more! He left the day after I asked him about the porn on the computer. I am attending a local church, and now that he has left the house the depression has left me too, although I continue to feel terribly broken hearted. I fully trusted him in all areas of our life and I am at a loss, the Lord is kind to me. My husband hasn't contacted me since he left and it looks like we may end our relationship. I have a lot of sorting out to do with God's help and your prayers I know I will be okay!

 

Anonymous wrote:

I am a 47 year old man and I am a porn addict. I have been addict to porn and masturbation since I was a young teen. Several years ago soon after my 2nd marriage began I moved into having oral sex with men. I always felt so discusting and cheap with every time. I felt so ahamed but every time God would be there wanting to help me but i would say no and turn from him. I have been lying to my loving wife. Recently I thought that I had been exposed to a std. So I cried out to the Lord and he was there just like always but this time i turned to him to find his big loving arms open to embace me and say to me welcome home my son I will remove this bondage of sin from you. And at that moment he did just that, I gave it all to him and every since I feel so much weight of guilt and sin lifted off me. Why Lord did I wait so long! God spoke to me that I needed to confess my sins to my wife and the ones that I have hurt with my sexual addiction to begin the healing and restoration of my life. I have told my wife about all of it. I was ready to be kicked out and thought she would never want to see me ever again! I have deeply hurt her by not the acts that I did but by lying to her for all of these years, disrespecting our marriage and breaking her heart. She told me that if I seek help for my addiction and problems that there may be a chance for our marriage. Thank our wonderful Lord! It is because of him that I still have a shot at doing the right thing. I pray every day for his guidance and that he continues to heal my mind, spirit and my marriage. I pray every day for anyone else that has this addiction and that they too will turn to God because we can not do it by ourselves! Only through our blessed Lord and his covering peace on all situations can we overcome our sins! Blessed be his name forever and ever!

 

immortalbound wrote:

Dear beloved brethren, i too suffer from an elongated addiction and hope to strengthen you all with the love of OUR LORD!!! wait upon HIM for HE says come as you are, and behold you shall be delivered! The lust of the flesh has run ramped for long enough and in the great majority of us, some more susceptible than others.It is natural to desire sex but sin to fornicate. Sexual immorality can be committed in thought as well as flesh, so take upon yourselves more a mastery of this. We are tempted by our own flesh: rebuke the urges,block them out,pray to desire cleanliness and good things.Let us take joy in the LORD rather than worldly things we can decide. Furthermore i will say, i am 23 years of age and came much way from my prier self, i was molested at the age of four in my sleep by other children whom were not much older than my own self, it was as a plague that was stricken upon us all, by the hands of a man who sexually abused a little girl who in return came to show us what she learned. It wasn't long before i was curios and wanted to play games leading to to sexual activity, soon after was introduced to pornography, though i was unable to thoroughly understand it i still enjoyed it. At the age of ten i discovered masturbation, and indulged all too much. I found my self doing it in the living room in my shirt with others around!!! how ridiculous!! and even one time in the classroom in the fifth grade!!! and was discovered by my onlooking teacher with a horrified look of unbelief, though she never said anything i realized it wasn't right and then on refrained from "in the shirt masturbation".. i know lol! actually it's terrible. Later i tried seducing women of all sorts and sure enough i was able to enthrall many women.53, 36, or 16 years old i didn't mind , at the age of 17 i was seduced by a fourteen year old girl that had already been having sex for several years!! worst of all it was a friend of mine's sister and he seemed completely fine with it. i was repulsed and repented. At work i wold receive oral sex even thought of becoming a man whore. this persisted until the age of 19, until i received a strong conviction from THE LORD. I decided i would marry and would do things right for a change. So i called upon GOD to bring me the woman i should love and marry and just days later i found my wife on Easter day! We married immediately! and have been together two and a half awesome years. i still desire pornography have repented and backslid countless times. GOD still leads me, i am guided by HIS SPIRIT to do HIS works. HE in fact guided me here to confess and share my testimony. Some miracles are immediate others take a little time. BE well and of good cheer for our GOD is faithful and just to forgive and to cleans of all unrighteousness, HE will fulfill your hearts desire so that your joy be made full. so desire HIS will!!! GOD bless you all! you shall be in my prayers! may you have success!!! GOD is AWESOME!!! Amen!

 

trevor wrote:

Hi I have struggled with porn since i was 13. It has come in waves..it seems when there is little temptation or i am busy then i dont think about it. Being bored or lonely or with much temptation around me i all too easily give in. Please pray for me that God will help me to be free