Stories

Herbie P. wrote:

I never thought I would share this with anyone, but after reading this site for a week, I woke up this morning and decided that even though my testimony would only be shared in cyberspace, it's still a step forward. It all started when I was a kid. I was ten years old and had just woken up for breakfast. While I got dressed, I could hear my dad down in the kitchen. He was hollering, "Some fathers have sons that will rally around their father and try to help out!" My dad had tried to open a balloon factory but it bombed quick and was a big financial burden on us. Then I remember what he said next hurt me so bad. He said, almost shouting, "But not OUR SON! Oh no, OUR son is a LITTLE FAT NOTHING!" Yes, I was, as I am at the time, a round, fat kid. My bowl hair cut and glasses didn't help matters but I had always tried to help around the house. But that didn't stop dad. All I was to him was a "little FAT NOTHING." What did he think I could have done? I was only ten, he's the one who chased that silly dream of balloons and invested all our money in it, not me. But from then on, I was always the "little FAT NOTHING." Now dad had never gone to church and even mom and myself at that time were still going to synagogue, and that was only when my grandfather was in town so as to make a good impression on the old man. Well, flash forward ten years later and my insecurities about being a "little FAT NOTHING," came to the forefront. I didn't think I was worth looking at and didn't think anyone could love me. It's around this time I met a girl who told me about her Wednesday Night Mini-Revivals. She and her family spoke in tongues and praised Yahweh in ways I'd never seen before. This "little FAT NOTHING" became intrigued and I started going whenever I was free. My dirty secret was, I wasn't going because I was interested in the tongue talk or anything else, but this girl. I soon realized it wasn't love, but probably lust as I had an inappropriate dream some days after that first meeting. Well, I never spoke in tongues but that did start me down a slippery slope. A slope I'm still trying to get off of. I don't know, maybe it's because I still feel like a little FAT NOTHING that I'm here, but this website has given me hope. Thank you for allowing me to post this ramble. I know it won't inspire anyone, but I maybe, just maybe, this website will set me and other little FAT NOTHINGS free from their shameful past.

 

Anonymous wrote:

My name is Brenda and my father is addicted to porn.I don't think i noticed it before my mother died, because she kept us protected. She always kept his anger and rage and sin hidden away. When she passed, he changed, I lost my father on the day I lost my mother.This man that I know right now is not my father. He is verbally, and physically abusive to me and my siblings. Then at the end of every night he gets on the computer and looks up porn. I accidentally got on the computer the other day and found the sites he is on. He is looking at girls my age or younger. How am I supposed to look at this man and see my father? All I see is the sin that he has made his life. I have decided to be pure for my future husband, and he can't understand that at all. Hew thinks that I should do the normal thing in today's world and sleep with the first available man. I have no respect for him. i find it hard because in the bible it says to honor your mother and your father. How is there any honor in what he does? Now he has become engaged to someone, but he still is addicted. i don't know what to do, I love him but what he looks at makes me want to hide away.

 

Anonymous wrote:

My name is Jeff, and I?m a monster. At least that?s how I feel. I have grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional home all my life. My father would physically and verbally abuse me and my two sisters from the age of maybe five on. Though thankfully, and I thank Jesus every day for this, never sexually. He would hit us and yell whenever we did something he didn?t want but my father was not my first incident of sexual abuse. My mother tried he best to protect us from his rage. When I was around ten or so, my sisters and I stayed the night at one of my mother?s friend?s house. Also staying there were a girl maybe thirteen and a boy sixteen years old. She was outgoing and we instantly got along but something about the boy felt wrong. When it was time to go to bed the girls went to one room and I was stuck in the same room as the sixteen year old. In the middle of the night I woke from a deep sleep to the feeling of someone unbuttoning my pants and pulling the zipper down. Even at that young I knew what was happening and what would happen if I didn?t do something. I fought with all my strength, knuckles white as I gripped on for life, and I cried. I didn?t fall asleep that night.. The next morning I told my parents but nothing happened. They talked to the boy and he of course denied it. A few months passed and the whole thing was passed off as the product of too much imagination. That was the first time I felt alone and sick and scared. Almost two years after that my mother passed away. My father became worse than ever. He would look up porn sites and magazines almost every day, not even bothering to hide his addiction. It was soon after I turned thirteen that my struggle with porn began. After my mother?s death, my father would drown himself in work and sin. One day while he was at work and I was alone in the house, I stumbled onto my father?s stash of porn magazines. I was disgusted at the sight at first, throwing the magazine down and walking away. But something kept drawing me back. I didn?t know it then but it was the devil drawing me into temptation. Several weeks later I came back to my temptation and I masturbated for the first time to my secret sin. And for a few years it was just looking at the one or two magazines my father kept around the house. But then I discovered porn on the internet and my secret sin grew out of hand. Through my high school years I struggled with my addiction. But I always went back. And then four years ago I finally accepted Jesus as my savior. But I kept my sin to myself. I was sickened and frightened but I just couldn?t stay clean. That sent me into the worst times of my life. Not only was I hurt and lost but I was lying about lying about my sin. I told myself I was going to change. But I just fell back into the pattern. But my first real victory came six weeks ago. I finally realized I was fighting a symptom, my addiction, instead of the cause, me. Since then I have been fighting for every day without the urge. As I am writing this it has been over three and a half weeks since I last looked at porn. I slipped once and I feel the shame and the temptation but today I am stronger than the temptation. I will be fighting for every clean moment every second of the rest of my life but as long as I am clean, I can live with that. But that?s not what I wrote this for. I think of my sixteen year old cousin facing the same choices that made me. I hope that he has enough courage to make the choice I couldn?t at first. I hope he doesn?t have to live with the regret like I have to. That is why I am writing this confession. My name is Jeff and I have been suffering with pornography addiction almost half my life. I am 22 years old and I finally decided to stop poisoning my soul with fake love. One day ago I decided to end the cycle of needless sin. I have decided put down my sins and to pick up the sword and the shield and become a warrior for God like a was meant to be. This is a plea to all those suffering with the same choice I refused to make to save myself. Never give up. There is a way out. Sometimes it?s a door and sometimes you have to make a door. Never give up. Help is on the way. It could be a friend or an ad for FreedomBeginsHere on the back of a Rush of Fools album. You never know. All roads lead to Jesus and so they are all blessed. Godspeed and God bless. Jeff

 

 

Whatever wrote:

I first masturbated when i was about 14, when i climaxed i felt so despondant, i knew then that i would never be free of this thing. I eventually slept with 5 prostitutes in 1 night. Have given my life many times to jesus, always end up where i began. 10 years later i am still where i was when i was 14. I prefer to die my life has been a waste, i already prayed to Indun kill me i hope he does.

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

One time I looked at a bad website, and I started looking at it everyday! I stopped going to school and everyone was really worried. I had to go to intense rehabilital sexual addiction therepy. Don't go on these websites kids! They willl hurt you!

 

 

Anonymous wrote:

I was sexually abused by both parents from infancy until I was 17 years old. My father taught me about masturbation and deviancy. Sex has always been a focal point of my life. For the first 17 years of my marriage I led a double life of porn shops, rest stops, adult bookstores..seeking and having anonymous sex with men...always looking for that thing that would complete me...I NEVER found it. I disclosed everything to my wife about 4 years ago and underwent therapy for the abuse, depression, anxiety, homosexuality...and now the sexual fantasies are returning. I have no sex life with my wife and I need help. On top of all this, I have two sons, 12 and 16 yrs old.

 

Anonymous wrote:

Hi, I am not sure how to write this letter. I went to your site and then thought I would write you. Here goes. I teach the youth group at our church, and my husband is a deacon. We were big into porn before we came to know the Lord as our savior. My husband still looks at porn, and it has caused great hurt in our marrage. Because he is a deacon, it angers me even more. Our church thinks he is this Godly man, and yet I know the truth. How can I get over my anger that everyone believes the fake that he is? Although these are not nice things to say, it is how my heart feels. He has been caught, and he lies about it. For at least 2 years, I have been dealing with his lies that He has stopped. I feel, also, in me not letting the leaders of the church know, that I am, in fact, helping him to hide and in his partaking in this sin. But, I also wonder if I want to tell just because they believe he is so good. It has affected our sex life, as he speaks of fantasies and I don't feel love. I have just became an object for wich he fulfills fantasies, and he has become just a means for my sexual gradification. But mostly I hate having sex with him. I have to pray everytime we are together that God would keep my mind free from engaging in the fantasies and yet to submit myself to my husband. What a struggle. I have lost all desire to be intimate with my husband, though our relationship started out to be very sexual. To be honest, part of me did not care if he was looking at the porn because then he would leave me alone. I would not be required to submit to him if he doesn't ask. How sad that I would choose for him to stay in sin to keep myself from it. To make the matter worse, the fantasies are of me with other men. As I struggle to have a desire to be with him, when I am, he wants us to fantasize about me with other men. I find this hard. Also that, why one earth, if he loves me, would he want me with another man. But, in all honesty, before we knew the Lord we would fantasize about us picking men up to be with us. Do you even need to know these details? The thing I think that is the worst of all is that if he lies about this, has he lied about everything else? Does he even really believe in Jesus? These are the thoughts that trouble me. Is my husband just a fake? I guess what I have given you is a testimony of how porn can hurt much more than the man (or woman) engaged in it. I have told him, that because of this fornication, I am free to divorce him. And, that I would tell the elders of the church. Those threats did no good. I have been honest and have told him that I hate the fantasy, but he continues to engage them every time we are together. He doesn't care about the shame and guilt it causes me everytime we are together. So I sin against God if I am with him, and I sin against God if I am not. I hate the works of the devil. How do I win this war, Lord, is my prayer. I am by no means perfect. And, I pray I am not self righteous and that the Lord may reveal the secreats of my heart so that we may both be healed.