I was first exposed to pornography by a friend when i was 9. Since that time and now (I am now in my early 20's) I have intermittently come into contact with pornography through the internet, firstly through a youthful misguided curiosity and then later for the seeking of sexual acceptance, out of a childish fear and anxiety I had that I may never be able to sexually fullfil a woman, and for the obvious brief pleasures it promised me. I recently went about a year without exposure to pornography, and then upon a massive change of circumstances (death, relocation, new work, new study and a new relationship) I opened the gate to pornography again for about 3 weeks. I confessed it regularly to family and friends whenever it reared it's head and I sought out the instruction and accountability of church elders and friends. Although I do not consider myself 'deeply addicted' I used pornography to seek satisfaction in my weakness and naivety instead of holding to my identity and the promises of Christ. It has damaged me and I am forced to contend with it daily through the reknewing of my mind and the guarding of my heart through the strength and power of my Christ Jesus. Further more - I confessed to my girl (the most Godly, Prescious and Beautiful of women) the fact of my past aquaintance with pornography and it has contributed significantly to our separation... and I know that when I do find the woman who will be my wife - that she and I together will have to endure the same searching and scrutinization and healing that my ex and I have had to attempt and endure. I realised this in the back of my head at the time of my transgressions - but never appreciated that it could be this painful and difficult to have to share it with another. She cannot feel that she can again trust any affection, any promise and any motivation for a future relationship. Nothing feels more painful than having the passionate, pure and powerful cry of your heart to love another - considered to be untrustworthy and irreconcilable. Biggest Props and respect to those that are struggling with their addictions and temptations after so long of covering it up. I cannot fathom the intensity of the pain and the scrutiny which your heart and soul must go under. Some verses that have helped me are: Admonition From Ephesans 4:14 "That we from now on be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;" Encouragement from Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." I will stay strong in this struggle and I will endure. Lord help me.
Leave a comment