I am going to bring up a difficult topic. I have been in counseling for my sex addiction. The body of a beautiful woman is the crown of God's creation. It is the most visually stimulating thing on the planet. It is meant to be that way, but like most all good things, it has been perverted. We are supposed to be in awe when we see a beautiful woman. There is something captivating about them. Something that says, "Look at me" "Am I beautiful?" My struggle with porn began at an early age. I was about 11, and a friend led me to a historical find under a country bridge of a stack of Playboys in a box. That and some other abuse that occurred began a path of sexual sins that continued even through my marriage, subsequent divorce and remarriage. Some of my abuse came from my mother. (I am not dishonoring her here, but speaking the truth in love. It is not my intention to bash her, she did the best she could with what she had). I was not given the nurture that I needed from her. I perceived that she didn't love me. She would rage at me for the smallest things. This coupled with the fact that dad was distant and emotionally unavailable, caused a hole in the middle of my soul that I tried to fill with sexually acting out. I tried to connect with women in order to self heal the wounds, but found the relief to be only temporary, sometimes extremely temporary. A woman's breasts signify nurture, so I am very attracted to breasts. Her bottom signifies acceptance. If we were lacking in these needs in childhood, adolescence and puberty, we will try to fulfill them as an adult in unhealthy ways. At 12, I started masturbating, and at 16 I had my first relationship. I sought out "needy" women due to the co-dependent way that I tried to fix them, to help them. I tried to find someone as messed up as me so that I would feel comfortable. Due to my abuse, I retreated within myself and lived in a world of fantasy, and self medication. (Masturbation is a form of self medication because of the chemical response it stimulates in the brain). I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I was a lonely man, even in a crowded room, because I had built up walls of protection in order to keep people out. I couldn't and wouldn?t trust anyone, not even God. He is healing me, and even though I still struggle, He is always there to help when I ask. It has been a raging battle to stop patterns of masturbation and lust, but we can change the way we respond to women and our own "needs". Now, when I see a beautiful woman, or "my type" of woman, (I think it is key to understand what our type is) I am able to say to the Lord, "you made her really nice, but what I really need right now is you" It is important to be able to say to Him that we are hungry, that we are desperate for Him. I found that for me the key to replacing masturbation was to get deeper and deeper in relationship with God, our daddy (I mean no disrespect). The more intimately we know Him, the more of our needs He can supply. We need to marry Him. He is coming back for His bride. This is such a secretive subject, after all we should confess our sins to each other if we seek to be healed. But the art of finding safe people in our lives is something we may not take the time to practice. I am thankful to say that as of yet I have not found any Christians in my life to be unsafe. But I do know they are out there. I have learned that my love language is physical and that alone is a dangerous thing for a Christian man in a fallen world, my self destructive nature has used lust more than once to hurt me and those around me; wandering eyes, fantasies, masturbation. I didn't really know how much a wandering eye could hurt the person that loves you. As a man it's difficult to understand women on more than one level. Being single minded hasn't helped my ability to connect on an intimate level. I pray that God gives us all the ability to cherish and honor the loved ones in our lives as He cherishes and loves us. I have learned that the flesh is up against the Spirit and vice versa. Grace is not just the forgiveness of sin but it is, in fact, God's ability. I have learned to go with the flow but don't let the flow take you. I learned that the flesh and the devil try to forge us into to something opposite of God's plans. I have found that, above all, if you ever hope to overcome any sin you most read the Word of God. Plain and simple! If America had gone to Iraq with no M-16's, no tanks, no fighter or bomber jets, this is proportionate to living life without reading the word of God. After going through the trials I have been facing I have come to two conclusions, as I said before, read the Bible and it will guide you, also don't ever give up. I read somewhere once before, "You only fail when you give up." God bless you as you journey through life. There are so many pitfalls that the enemy has put before us. Beware of his devices and lean on the Lord and your fellow believers. Please if you read this brother pray for me.
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