Wendy wrote:

My story did not have a happy ending. And I cannot even begin to understand why a resource like this was not available 10 or 15 years ago when I needed it. I loved my husband, was devoted to our marriage and patiently waited for him to pay attention to our marriage. This was not the case. One day, about 10 years into our marriage I had an epiphany. See, I had been praying and fasting (for years) asking God to get my husband's attention, with no answer. So this epiphany was the first thing I had "heard" in a long silent struggle. I asked my husband, out of the blue one day, if he was still engaging in what he said was a past college struggle (his dependence upon pornography and self satisfaction). He looked at me and said "yes." I was undone! I cried all day. I felt as if he had been "cheating on me." During the 4 years we dated prior to marriage he told me of his battles with that. But he had told me it was a part of his past. As the intimacy in our marriage dissolved and all but disappeared... finally this "epiphany" made it clear to me "why?". I did not talk to anyone about this because of all the shame inherent in such issues. And because often women would be told in response "well if you would just be a little more sexy for him..." But we all know that is not the root problem, and not a solution (many wives, including myself, were doing all they could to be a "sexy"... but in the face of sexual addiction, it is not enough). We ended up getting about 15 minutes of counseling from a Christian speaker who told my husband he needed to get a handle on this issue. This didn't happen. And within 2 years and a lot of painful bumpy roads, our marriage ended in divorce. The crazy thing is, I used to be the one who believed my husband was one of the few men in the church not engaging in these sexually destructive patters! I used to quietly sound the alarm at church that this issue was an epidemic rampant throughout the church (this was more than a decade ago)... but no one was receptive (even after a main deacon stepped down after confessing his addiction to pornography and lusting after many women in that church). So, I guess the only "silver lining" could be out of all this pain is that the "crash and burn" of our 15 years together finally led my former husband (per his confession to me) to cease these compulsive and destructive patterns... just in time for his new wife. Well, at least one woman will have the husband I was supposed to have. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to see that you are carrying out this ministry. Someone had to finally break the silence about this rampant epidemic in churches and Christian marriages! That voice was not mine, the marriage saved was not mine. But just maybe... others won't have to go through what I have been through.


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