I first encountered a stash of Playboy magazines at a relatives house one holiday in the late 60's. I was about 8 years old. Granted the level of explicitness was tame compared to today's standards, but I was hooked nonetheless. Over time I proceeded to find pornography everywhere. In my father's closet, at friend's homes, in books at the library, even in movie theaters (when I could sneak into an "M" movie). I vowed by the time I reached the 6th grade that I would be a Playboy photog as a career man. Little did I understand the re-wiring I had gone through. Little did I know how intense the hunger and thirst for sexual stimulation would be. My Boy Scout leader captivated us with stories of his sexual exploits (he was lying). In high school, we began to experiment with marijuana, alcohol and pornography as a dangerous combination that quenched spiritual life, inhibitions, and common sense. I lost my virginity in the back seat of my parents Olds Cutlass. Most of my friends did, too. I suffered from depression after acting out and tried to explain my moods as the creative angst of youth. Right. I hid my behavior well enough to not get caught. I figured this was just the way it was going to be. With the advent of home video came the beginning of the end for me. I was already over stimulated by still images and personal sexual encounters. But video opened a completely different doorway for me... I began to lose myself for hours and days. I lived in a fraternity house where even worse behaviors ran rampant. Although I never stepped beyond the bounds of heterosexual behaviors, the fraternity brothers had many aberrations to share. I began to retreat into my personal sexual fantasies. I began to die. During this time period, close friend shared his newfound relationship with Jesus Christ and encouraged me to read my Bible. I would read the Word, remember the early days of religious training, pray to Jesus, thank Him for dying on the Cross for me, all the while a stack of pornography lie under my bed. I was a double minded man, completely unstable in all my ways. At the end of that school year I moved back home. I was no longer sexually active (aside from self gratification) and became more depressed, working three jobs and focusing on everything but the source of my pain. But during this time, I slowly began to move from darkness into light and committed my life to Jesus Christ in March of 1980. I have struggled on and off with pornography over the subsequent years. The ease of availability on the Internet posed a particular problem for me. Anonymity and no cost made for a dangerous combination. I have had several key encounters with Christian leaders who lovingly and gracefully showed me a better way and have held me accountable for my time online. My wife has stood with me, has loved me despite past mistakes and willful wanderings. Today I am a staunch advocate of accountability software and radical accountability to keep my life pure and to help others do the same. I am walking in freedom from the nagging itch to look, lust, and lose the battle of personal holiness. And I am engaging others to step into the higher calling of walking free from pornography and sexual sin. By God's grace, I am free!
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