Let me start off by saying that I never thought in a million years that porn would ever be an issue in my life or my marriage. I've been married for over 11 years, and it wasn't until about two years ago that I found porn on our family computer. I was devastated. I thought everything in my marriage was fine. I was so in love with my husband. I knew that we hadn't been as close to the Lord as we were before, but my husband was always so awesome in my eyes that I didn't think it could ever happen to us. We've known each other since we were teenagers, and he liked me but it wasn't until years later that we finally ended up together. I was the apple of his eye...or so I thought. When I found the images and video clips on our computer, the stars in my eyes disappeared. He promised that he would never do it again, and said that even though he liked what he was looking at, it wasn't about me. I was so angry not just for me, but because we have four kids, three of them are girls. After trying to forget and slowly, very slowly trying to heal, I came to find out that he had started back up again, through picture messages on his phone to only God knows what else. This is happening as I write this e-mail. I decided to turn to an old friend of ours who is now a pastor, and he has helped us to get counseling from another pastor and his wife here in our town. Well, I feel so hopeless. I know that God would have me stay and give my husband another chance, but I just feel so humiliated, ugly & not good enough. I've noticed that I've become very depressed about everything. I want to believe that he wants to change, but I've found myself checking our phone records and also wondering if he had even been with another woman at some point. He's trying to be sweet and give me compliments all of the time, but I'm having a hard time believing that he means it. I mean if he really loved me and I was as beautiful as he says, why did he have to go looking at other women? I've lost all trust in him. My self esteem is gone, and I've become so bitter and sad. A guy friend once told us that if he was so glad that he wasn't addicted to porn. He said that it would be the most difficult thing to overcome because it was so accessible...and legal. He's right. It's everwhere. How can I trust that it won't happen again? I don't think that I can stand another broken heart. One thing keeps me here though, and that's Jesus. I can hear Him through all of the people He has placed in my path, but I'm struggling. It's so hard for me. I'm not even sure that I still love this man. I feel as if he's not the same man that I married. I find myself looking for someone that would tell me to leave and give up...that it isn't worth it...that it cannot be healed. But everyday I'm convicted. I can't stand the thought of putting my kids through a divorce. Porn has affected our whole family. It has caused hurt, bitterness, distrust, and I know my kids can feel the strain. I'm not sure how this is going to end for my husband and I, but I pray that God would just start a revolution against this industry. I pray that an awakening would be felt by all of those plagued by this horrible thing...that their hearts would be pierced by the Holy Spirit and their eyes would be open to the hurt and pain that this thing is causing in their lives and the lives of their spouses and children. I pray that God would help us to forgive our spouses...that He would give us a renewed hope and love for our marriages, and that the reverent fear that we have of Him would remind us of His word...John 20:23 "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained".
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