Hi. I remember being sexually abused at a young age. It was like a plague because I in turn abused my cousin. Ever since that,my feelings of self worth was messed up and love was and still is distorted for me. I managed to "do the right thing." It was a legalistic approach and I didn't know WHY I shouldn't do it just I shouldn't do it and the fear of not wanting to devastate my family, I kept myself as long as I could. But at the first sign of temptation I folded even though it didn't seem that obvious because it happened in subtle ways where I didn't notice the little warnings. Guys would invite me into that life and me not expecting anything would happen. I guess I was looking for one person as the exception of many who didn't want the same things as the others. I was crying out for hope and assurance in THE WORLD isn't that a laugh. I finally broke when I was caught off guard by a professing christian I thought I was safe with him even though I wasn't an active christian I thought I would be okey with him, but I know now how much of an epidemic it is. We struggled on and off again in that relationship wanting so much for it to work but the harder we tried in the flesh the more we struggled. It needed to be built on the foundation of Christ. I know The Bible says to get married if a couple can't control themselves because it's better to be married than to burn with passion but I felt I wasn't really saved. I wasn't walking with Christ. We didn't get married but our souls were attached and so I spent most of my time reliving that night and many other nights like it not knowing how to cope with it and struggling with guilt that I didn't marry him but the Lord reminds me that I was ignorant of this and I'm free. It was very hard to talk about my feelings to church members because everyone knew the man I was with and was going to marry because it was his home church we went to. I couldn't talk about such things. I didn't want them to know how I really was. My true self and so I went on without healing feeling like a hypocrite and pretending while I was hurting inside. I was sexually addicted after that first night I did it and I couldn't stop myself after that. I would go to various men until I got saved but stayed away from relationships altogether fearing breaking up because I didn't know how to cope with it. Eight years had went by without a relationship and I met someone but because I didn't deal with the feelings and didn't heal from the relationship, it soon fell apart. It's easier to talk a little bit about sexual addiction in one way because it seemed it was harder to talk to the former pastor and his wife. They seemed so distanced from that problem, but our pastor we have now urges us to talk to each other about our struggles- to be accountable to each other. I'm also seeing a CHRISTIAN counselor to help me through the effects of the abuse. First and foremost repentance is what she advises. But the most thing that helps me when I'm feeling ashamed or devastated is The Word of God and knowing He's the only one who really really wants to be our One True Love and the only One who understands to the depts of our souls what we really need. I'm finally learning that. I'm so glad for FBH. It really gives us a chance to open up after so many years of silence and to begin healing. I pray this testimony helps people somehow.
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