Krystine wrote:

Read it and comment me back to help me please. I'm a christian. I'm a girl, I'm 19 and just found this site. I really found help through your testimonies, and I wanted to share with you my experience. I'm not even sure when everything started, It was a long time ago, since I have been using internet ever since I was 10. I never really had any kind of selfsteem or whatever, and never told anyone the dimension of my sins. Just like the other girl said, everyone thinks Im the goody-two-shoes, and I'm not even close. Tho my heart wants more of God, I still struggle every now and then with pornography and masturbation. I think I have been raised in a very conservative family and culture, which I hate cause my mom and dad never really talked to me about sex, which lead me to find it for myself. Sadly I started when I was 14 and hang out with my neighbors at night and found 3 attractive guys and started talked with them that night. So every couple went on their own alone place and started talking and stuff. so the guy I was talking to asked me if I my kisses were good. I was feeling incredible since he "seemed" to be worried about everything I was telling him, and so he leaned and kissed me. That was my first kiss and I was terryfied, scared and guilty, my parents would killed me if they knew. and so we sat down and he started to kiss me again and suddenly he started to touch me in an inappropriate way. I felt disgusting and left him alone. Since that time I felt like that was the only way to get's people attention, specially guys, all of my girl friends seem to be so popular and I felt terrible cause apparently i wasnt worthy to have a boyfriend, but oh my, I was only 14 or 15, and I didn't even need it. All those stories seemed to be so real and I was desperatly looking for love since my parents never really aproached me to tell me how much they loved me and hug me and make me feel beautiful. I also had 2 boyfriends which whom I didnt had sex but did some bad things, and I regret with utmust sincere. Now I'm 19 am still struggling with porn and masturbation. I feel empty, disgusting, not worthy of God's love, and I feel scared my younger sister will do the same thing. I absolutely love her, but saddly I never tell her. instead I yell at her and constantly bother her, I really dont want her to be like me, and I dont even know how to make her feel beautiful cause no one ever did with me. sometimes i wonder if I should talk with her and tell her all that happened to me so I can be healed and she can understand why I want to protect her so bad. I don't want to keep doing this, but I still come back. and everytime I fail i always end up feeling worst. I have pray for forgiveness, and I know God listens to me. What should I do, what can I do? I don't want to feel this wat anymore. I'm afraid I'll never find a nice christian guy to marry with :( and it really saddens me. and I'm scared this will affect my marriage, cause I dont think I will stop doing even If I get married. :( I'm still struggling with masturbation, is bad, cause doesnt fill your longing for God, and his true love. keep me in your prayers


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