Anonymous wrote:

I started viewing porn magazines at the age of 7. My friends would get them from their house and bring them up to our fort we had built in my friends' garage. Most of my friends were 4 to 8 years older than me and had this influence on me. At 7, I didn't know what I was looking at but as I got older it became more seductive to look at. With the porn came acting out with my friends. I was violated twice by friends who were older than me and felt disgusted by it. This made me want to look at women more because I didn't want to turn gay. So years went by and I hid my struggle with porn as much as possible. My brother had porn mags in his bottom drawer that I found when I was 10 or 11. This fueled my lust as I would look at the pictures whenever no one was home. It seemed like a never ending cycle. And all this while being raised in a "christian home". We went to church every Sunday morning and night and sometimes on Wednesdays. I went to youth conventions but never remember ever talking about sex or porn with my parents or church. Ever!!! This makes me very upset because where is the church?? We're so worried about presenting a squeaky clean image that we don't help those in need. As time went on I moved out on my own and found where I could by mags and rent videos. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior at the age of 17 but I never gave him this part of my life. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone else so it wasn't that bad. It seemed fun and enjoyable. I gave up smoking and cussing and all kinds of bad habits but I hung on to porn. I had girlfriends and had sex with them but that was scary because what if they got pregnant. Porn seemed safe to me. Then I found her. That woman of my dreams. The woman of God that was awesome and wonderful and beautiful and loved God with her whole heart. As you can tell, this was a freight train running into a wall. I had know idea that what I had been doing since I was 7 years old was gonna devestate the woman of God that I had married. At first she didn't know the extent of my problem but as time went on, the internet came into play. Then we had children that we were supposed to protect from this garbage. What a mess I was. I didn't know how to stop. I kept telling her I'd stop then 33 weeks or a month or six months or a year would go by and I'd be right back to porn trying to hide it. I was such a mess and this was ruining my marriage. I wish someone had talked to me as a child, teenager, young adult. But there was no one. I felt so alone. Counselers would listen but never offered much in the way of help. Pastors would talk to me but after a few months and all seemed well, we would stop meeting and I'd be right back at it. I kept trying but I kept failing. Failing God, failing myself, failing my kids and failing my wife. I'd read books and watch videos about this problem and get good insight from these but I needed more. My wife heard that Gary Smalley was on TV talking this issue and caught the tail end of it. He talked about this website and all they were doing to try to help people with this problem. So she got on the website and ordered the personal tool kit and gave it to me to help me. It was tough accepting this from my wife but I knew she loved me and was trying to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. This video was eye opening. It talked about this being an addiction. What!? You gotta be kidding me! But as I watched it all made sense. And yes, I am addicted to porn. I saw the cycle Dr. Laaser talked about in my own life. It makes sense, and finally someone understands me. I also have 3 teenage boys and ordered the video about Fathers talking to their sons about sex. Awesome!!! The talk about endorphins was particularly eye opening for me as well as my boys. My kids now understand this battle they have with wanting to look at dirty pictures or masturbation and they actually thank me for talking to them!! Teenage boys thanking their parents for talking to them about sex!! Who'd have thought?! Praise God for this ministry. I have now found a men's group that specifically talks about sexual purity. They call it "every man's struggle". God is good and he has a plan to heal your broken heart. Don't give up, there is help out there and Freedom Begins Here is a great place to start. I still have my struggles but I have people to talk to about it and information to help me understand my thoughts. God bless you and stand firm in Christ

 




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