Hi, I am not sure how to write this letter. I went to your site and then thought I would write you. Here goes. I teach the youth group at our church, and my husband is a deacon. We were big into porn before we came to know the Lord as our savior. My husband still looks at porn, and it has caused great hurt in our marrage. Because he is a deacon, it angers me even more. Our church thinks he is this Godly man, and yet I know the truth. How can I get over my anger that everyone believes the fake that he is? Although these are not nice things to say, it is how my heart feels. He has been caught, and he lies about it. For at least 2 years, I have been dealing with his lies that He has stopped. I feel, also, in me not letting the leaders of the church know, that I am, in fact, helping him to hide and in his partaking in this sin. But, I also wonder if I want to tell just because they believe he is so good. It has affected our sex life, as he speaks of fantasies and I don't feel love. I have just became an object for wich he fulfills fantasies, and he has become just a means for my sexual gradification. But mostly I hate having sex with him. I have to pray everytime we are together that God would keep my mind free from engaging in the fantasies and yet to submit myself to my husband. What a struggle. I have lost all desire to be intimate with my husband, though our relationship started out to be very sexual. To be honest, part of me did not care if he was looking at the porn because then he would leave me alone. I would not be required to submit to him if he doesn't ask. How sad that I would choose for him to stay in sin to keep myself from it. To make the matter worse, the fantasies are of me with other men. As I struggle to have a desire to be with him, when I am, he wants us to fantasize about me with other men. I find this hard. Also that, why one earth, if he loves me, would he want me with another man. But, in all honesty, before we knew the Lord we would fantasize about us picking men up to be with us. Do you even need to know these details? The thing I think that is the worst of all is that if he lies about this, has he lied about everything else? Does he even really believe in Jesus? These are the thoughts that trouble me. Is my husband just a fake? I guess what I have given you is a testimony of how porn can hurt much more than the man (or woman) engaged in it. I have told him, that because of this fornication, I am free to divorce him. And, that I would tell the elders of the church. Those threats did no good. I have been honest and have told him that I hate the fantasy, but he continues to engage them every time we are together. He doesn't care about the shame and guilt it causes me everytime we are together. So I sin against God if I am with him, and I sin against God if I am not. I hate the works of the devil. How do I win this war, Lord, is my prayer. I am by no means perfect. And, I pray I am not self righteous and that the Lord may reveal the secreats of my heart so that we may both be healed.
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