Anonymous wrote:

I was introduced to masterbation at 13 by a 15 year old boy who called me under a porch to watch him. Prior to that I had no idea what that was and was shocked to see him ejaculate. Later, I went home and tried it and have been a slave to it ever since. Yes, I grew up in the church but they weren't teaching GOD's TRUTH nor was it reinforced at home. I've participated in many sexual perversions since the age of 7 especially engaging in sexual activity with other boys, 4 in my teens, 3 in my 20's, the one in my 20's we had a sexual relationship that lasted until my early 40's. So counting him and one other that makes 2 in my 30's and the last and final one in my early 40's which lasted from 2002 to 2007. I've actually had sex with one woman and dozens of "almosts" with 15 others. Everyone said that I was Gay but I never came out, but I hid my wicked life. I bought nude (mostly men) magazines, VHS tapes, DVD's, hunted the Internet for photos, joined porn sites mostly all male. My thing was watching other men masterbate. The idea of two men having sex never interested me. The lesbian scene in film Caligula did arouse me though. But, I was searhing for something in men that I didn't have and throughout my sexual history with these men, what I was searching for, I didn't find it nor did I get anything out of it. Yes, initially, the thrill of doing something "taboo" was high, but it was empty, unfulfilled, lifeless, nonproductive and later disgusting. I've created "soul ties" with all these men, the women I've lusted after, and porn images over the years and been infected and possessed by a sexual demon. I have lusted after 100's of people and were obsessed with at least 45-50 of them. These were people I would see in the streets or in the clubs I would go to, I never approached them but I stared at them in deep lust. Also, I secretly fell in love with a at least 8 or 9 of my very close straight male friends. To this very day I'm still struggling with a secret unGodly love to this very wonderful Christian brother and I've tried everything to get him to be close to me but that brother is God's child and is protected by the Holy Spirit and I know this for a fact. My wickedness of thought did not penetrate GOD's armor! I even followed him to his church! But GOD is truly amazing! He will put things in perspective and place people in your life because he knows that YOU are his and he wants you to come home to HIS House. GOD has not given up on me. I know he loves me. This Christian brother in whom I loved and lusted after, GOD used him to bring me to his word. I wasn't the type of closeted man who chased after men. I wasn't having sex daily with men or women for that matter. I was very, very, very discreet and since I didn't have a girlfriend, people assumed that I was a homosexual and I was persecuted all through school and in the streets by people, friends who teased me about it, but they never really knew the TRUTH of my sexual behavior. I would attempt to read the Bible and seek out other religions, Islam, Yoruba, New Age etc. and that didn't work. I never denied God or his son Jesus Christ but I didn't know him living the way I was living sexually and being a liar, a gossip, backbiting, slandering people etc. while hiding my own sins and portraying to be this nice "guy". Women were attracted to me and I to them but I felt that I wasn't "big" enough to satisfy them and with the men (throughout my sexual life with those men I had oral & wet humping sex with, they approached me first) they didn't care what size you were, it was about the orgasm and that's it. But it was more than that because I was really searching for male acceptance, male validation and love the kind your father gives you. The guy who was my sexual partner for 18 years, in the beginning, I thought I was in love with him. Boy, did the devil have me in his grip! That fool was a criminal, irresponsible, a con man, and only used his body with me for money. How could I have been looking for male acceptance in that mess? The devil is a LIAR! Anyhow, my Dad was always in my life until the day he died, but not emotionally. I desired to be close to him, but he would not let me in nor did he know how to love his sons because he grew up fatherless. He did the best that he could and I know that he knew my sexual deeds with at least 2 men. I never had a real girlfriend and I wanted one soooooooo bad...they were all casual relationships that lead to one sexual encounter but all the rest were just heavy petting. I made a conscience decision not to continue homosexual behavior after that last one in 2007, I was throughly disgusted and I promised GOD that I'd never go back and he has been there with that 1st step, and with GOD's help, I haven't and he's removed the desire to, and the thoughts are dwindling slowly but I still struggle the thoughts and with GOD I'm learning to put it in it's proper perspective and He has shown me the tools to fight those urges with. It can be done, but you have to be diligent. But getting to the point of my testimony is that recently through this Christian brother, I found GOD, his word and his son Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried out and searched online for help. I found this Deliverance Ministy with a storehouse of information to cast out those sexual demons. Next, with GOD's help, I threw out all the porn I had, got rid of any symbol or images that hinted of demonic forces and I have to find the pictures of the 3 of the men I slept with and destroy those. Jesus gave us the power to cast out demons in his name and break "soul ties" with past sexual parnters...and it works. When I get sexual thoughts, I rebuke them in the name of Jesus. I backslid this morning and masterbated after abstaining for 3 weeks...but GOD is Good...he loves me...and forgives me. I know he is working in me and I know that it's a daily struggle and I have to give it all to GOD and let him lead, continue to read Scripture and pray constantly. Three weeks is a milestone for me and that was all GOD's doing. It's not easy, but you are going to have to want it. There's going to be long suffering, backsliding, guilt, shame...but GOD still LOVES us and provides an escape. I know that I will not have any homosexual or heterosexual (until God provides me with a wife) relations. I must go to him with EVERYTHING day and night. That's the only way. There is freedom from this...mediate on God's word day and night...the devil will whisper and you will slip (I slipped this morning) but I am free of the pain of guilt and shame...because GOD is merciful and is a forgiving GOD and he loves me. So don't give up, please give it all to GOD, seek all that is him and his son Jesus.  May GOD bless you!


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