Anonymous wrote:

I'm 17... nearly 18. Right now I feel as if I am serving two masters and the Bible states that one servant cannot serve two masters. I've decided to join this website because I don't know where else to go and I'm scared to talk this to my parents or my psychologist. I can only state this to God and here. I'll start my story since I was a baby... when I was 7 or 8 years old my mother had this beautiful reproduction and pregnancy book. This is NOT when any addiction started but when the healthy view of sex (in an innocent way) was installed in me. There was also marriage pictures and concentration on marriage. It all started when I was 13... I was in a hotel in South Africa when I saw my first ever pornographic film. From there on I masturbated secretly until I was 15 in bathrooms on various occasions. The difference I think was that I seldom used toys or the 'proper' way of masturbation (I always masturbated with clothes on and made movements on my undies). Nevertheless like Jesus Christ has said if you look at a woman and lust after her it is as if you have already committed already with her in your heart. Another thing is that between 12 and 16 I was in depression. I had suicidal tendencies and a bad body image. At 16 I finally got a psychologist and told her about my suicidal tendencies and my body image but NOT about my pornographic addiction. I started to buy books, studying medicine, economics, history, literature and so forth. Also reading Christian books and buying Christian movies. My diet got better and my suicidal tendendies started to dwindle. Half because of the psychologist and the other half because of prayer. But this secret remains. And I'm almost 18. I feel as if I'm half reedemed and that's not good. God would rather I be hot or cold than lukewarm... I've left the false health wealth prosperity gospel so that's another spiritual healing. Right now I'm going or starting to go through mental, emotional, physical and spiritual healing. But of course I must give me all to Christ. I'm still a virgin. I have never kissed nor had sexual relations (oral, vaginal, etc) with anyone. I'm terrified of pornography. Of the flesh and of the world. I went through watching hentai, homosexuality (both male and female), anal, BDSM, etc. I'm disgusted at myself. But I know that even though God will deliver me I should act and have responsibility for myself. I'm here because I just fell once again. I've just watched pornography 1 to 3 hours ago. I defiled this temple which is suppose to be holy again. And this is after being on a diet or free of pornography for nearly 2 months )= I pray that the chains of sexual addiction are broken


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