Excuses, Blame, and Responsibility; More Candid Talk to Husbands


normally do not write posts directly to husbands.  Because of my own journey, my passion is to give hope to wives whose husbands have or are currently struggling with an addiction to porn. However, this post is different.  

I cannot keep silent on this subject any longer.  As your sister in Christ, I write this in love and in hopes that God can use it to encourage you to be different from the husbands that I hear about.  Please bear with me as I explain what I am talking about.

 As a wife, finding out your husband has turned to porn for satisfaction is hurtful enough.  I can't even describe to you in words what this does to her heart.  (You can read more about that here;  http://freedombeginshere.org/blogs/news/8035345-to-the-husband-who-has-been-caught )

However, shortly after, before she has even had time to begin to process the pain of her discovery, she hears from the mouth of her own husband, words that totally crush whatever is left of her already broken heart.  "If you weren't so ____________ then I wouldn't have been doing it" (it, meaning...whatever sexual addiction they are involved with at the time) There are numerous words used to fill in the blank; fat, skinny, heavy, to name just a few.  UGH!!! Seriously?

This. Is. So. Wrong.

I understand.  Your wife is not perfect.  However, this post is not about her issues.  She will one day give an account to God for the wife she has been. What about YOU?

When a husband is living a life apart from what he knows is right, he will give excuses for his behavior and even blame his wife for his choices.  He wants to make himself feel better...to alleviate the guilt he is feeling.  Actually, we ALL do this.  It's our human nature that started in the Garden of Eden and until God gets a hold of us, the excuses and blame will continue.

So, I have to ask, dear brother, are you guilty?  Have YOU done this?

Can I just tell you that the moment you blamed your wife for your sexual straying...you became the devil's accomplice in the plan to destroy the very life of her?  Not only have you broken her heart with your sexual addiction, but by your very words you have destroyed her value and worth and dwindled her down to nothing more than a cheapened object discounting the woman God created her to be.  

Thankfully, my husband never told me those degrading things. Had my husband done this, the healing of our marriage, as well as my own personal healing would have even take so much longer...like years and years!  However, even though I never heard those words from my husband, I STILL struggled with not feeling good enough. My husband's choice to entertain himself with porn spoke lies to my heart that caused me to believe his choices were my fault.  That the reason he turned to porn was because of me...my looks, my build, etc.   I have learned the TRUTH since then and dauntlessly silenced the voice of the enemy. However, so many wives are buying in to these same lies.  This is so very common when a wife first discovers her husband's addiction to porn.

So, what does it matter if you, as a husband, give a voice to what your wife is already thinking?  Can I shout out... it matters HUGELY!!!

First of all, by not taking responsibility for your own choices you are only adding fuel to the flames of the deceit you are living in.  Secondly, something happens when you actually blame her with YOUR words! Something breaks inside of your wife's heart that breeds a whole new hopelessness and desperation. The words "if you were skinnier" or "you look so much different than when we got married" are reckless words that are so very damaging to the core of who she is.  

Can I just say, you probably have changed since you got married, as well?  As in,  you may have added a few pounds yourself? But even so...does that REALLY matter? Has the love you shared as husband and wife been exchanged to such a shallow way of thinking? Look at it this way.  If your children gain weight OR grow up to be less than what you thought they would be, do you abandon them?  Do you stop loving them?  How much MORE should we love our spouse in whom we have made a COVENANT with before God Almighty!! Last time I checked in His Word...He takes covenants VERY seriously! Just because the world around you enters and leaves marriage like a revolving door, God's sacredness of the marriage covenant has NOT changed.   Subsequently, life is not about having a "trophy" wife or a porn star at the click of the mouse.  Yes, the world, as we now know it, is very good at making it look like you are missing out on something...however, it is NOT REAL!  The kind of life that they portray will NOT satisfy you.  Only when you walk in God's plan for your life and stay committed to the wife you pledged to love will you find fulfillment, satisfaction, and peace.  As the saying goes...."the grass is always greener on the side that is being watered".  So if your own grass is brown and dying you know what to do.....quit watering beyond the boundaries set by God and focus on what is right before you...your beautiful wife.  She is the gift God has blessed you with, she is yours to honor and cherish.  She is not only called to be your help-mate but she is anointed by God to fulfill you sexually. If you no longer are finding that fulfillment, just think about where you have been watering....where has your focus been?  Porn? Other Women?  Therein lies the problem.

Sadly, there are "christian" men who have been married for 20+ years or more who are willing to throw it all away, hurting their wife AND their children.  The enemy is enticing them with fake and fantasy and they have succumb to his deadly bait.   And not only that, as I have stated above, they are BLAMING their wives for their own sinfulness.

Frankly, a husband's sexual addiction is NOT about the wife. It is about the husband..his heart, his desires, his selfishness. You know it and I know it.

I don't mean to sound harsh.  It has just been one of those days. I have heard the plea, once again, from a dear sister who is broken and desperate to change in order to "keep" her sexually addicted husband.  After-all, he has told her that it is her fault that he has these "issues".  That is why I may come across a little angry. That is why I am writing this. These kind of stories have become all too familiar.  She is not the first and I know she won't be the last. Sadly, these beautiful, broken, beloved daughters of the Most High need TRUTH to expose the lies that their husband's have spoken over them.  Wives, who out of desperation to keep their marriage in tact....have bought into the lie that if they just change their appearance and/or their sexual performance that their husband will give up their sexual addictions.  Lies!

Let's be REAL.  I know and you know that even if your wife changes physically...unless YOU have a heart change, her changes will not change YOU! You will STILL break her heart with your sexual unfaithfulness.  Then what excuse will you give?

Don't give false hope to your wife, and by all means, quit blaming her! Please STOP the lies and the excuses. If you have already made excuses to your wife to the point that you even blamed her for your addiction, repent.  First to God, then ask her forgiveness. Man up and take responsibility for your own actions. Do it NOW, while there is still time.  You may have thought you got by with it by blaming your wife but when you stand before God one day, no excuse will suffice.  I don't mean to sound redundant but this is a matter of life or destruction.  Brother, can I encourage you, beg you, plead with you, on behalf of those who love you:  TURN from the porn, the "other" woman, and turn towards God and  the wife that you are in covenant with.  Do it before you lose everything, including whatever conscience you have left.  The longer you wait, the more hardened your heart will become. Just think about it. No more excuses, no more blame, no more lies, no more secrets, no more guilt. 

Taking responsibility is NOT comfortable nor popular.  However, you CAN do it. With the help of God and ministries like Freedom Begins Here, YOU can find freedom and deliverance from the very things that are meant to destroy you. http://freedombeginshere.org/. The resources they offer have been strategically and divinely orchestrated by men who KNOW what demons you fight everyday.  They get it.  They understand.

Thankfully, your relationship with God can be restored and you can change the direction of your life from destruction towards your divine destiny.  It starts with humbling yourself and taking responsibility for your own sinfulness.  By speaking truth to yourself and your wife, you will open the door for God's deliverance, restoration, and healing not only for you but possibly your marriage and family, as well.  Do it today!

If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.  Genesis 4:7

..but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  James 1:14

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  Proverbs 5:18

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit there is not deceit.  Psalm 32:5

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.  Don Wilder

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