I am one of the many un-heard female voices of porn addiction. I was first exposed to it by accident when I walked into the living room of my childhood home on the way to the kitchen to get a drink in the late night hours. I was stopped cold in my tracks when I saw a reflection of porn images on the living room window. My parents were viewing it in the family room thinking we were asleep. I rushed back to my bedroom hoping not to be noticed. I was only seven years old but the sexually charged images were burned into my brain and it grew from there. I resented my Christain parents from that point on as I saw them continue to hide this practice from my sister and I for years. I don't believe my Mom was agreeable to it but was trying to please my Dad. I don't want to shame or disrespect my parents; I only want to share my story. It was from that point that I grew to seek out porn and it got worse when I became old enough to learn how to get the "high" of combining masturbation with the porn. I had a job traveling for a living and started to order porn in hotel rooms at around 22 years old. By the time I was 25, I had a habit well ingrained in my heart and soul. I met and married my husbund who was not a Christian until right before we married. Ironically, he was watching porn from the first time I ever socialized with him. I was on my way to a party at his house shortly after meeting him and the giggles in the background were apparent as I asked him for directions. "What are you guys doing?" I asked. Watching a porno he said. Although it was put away by the time I got there, I knew that I'd met my "match" in a man who also loved porn. I was in my spiritual rebellious stage of my life. He didn't know about my love for porn until after I'd asked him to get rid of his tapes. In anger, he did; but I later explained without too much detail the damage porn had done to me. He then started to act as if he no longer felt any desire for the porn he'd watched before. I think as a new Christian, he really wanted that to be true. Unfortunately, I knew that porn wasn't something you could just "stop" enjoying. That's where the lies started. I never told my husband that how ashamed I was about my continued habit of the porn cycle. After we married, we had little to no sex and I became even more drawn to porn. When we separated 5 years after our marriage, I found porn on the computer and evidence that my spouse had never really given up his own "hobby". I don't want to shame my husband, again, I am just telling my story. I still pray everyday for reconcilliation in the hopes that my husband and I can be honest with eachother about the REAL truth that we both struggle with. I am ashamed to say that I am most drawn to the woman/woman scenes in the porn, even though I am absolutely straight. I am a Christian with a sincere love for the Lord and I want SO BADLY to have a healthy, loving, and intimate sex life. The devil taunts me daily about the fact that my husband would probably be thrilled if I just decided to drop my faith and introduce porn to our marriage. I know this is a lie. Unfortunately, my husband and I haven't even had sex in 2 years and now live apart. I've since confessed my strong sexual addiction and desire to "quit"; but my husband INSISTS he doesn't watch porn; yet I wonder how he's satisfied his sexual desires for the last two years. He has strayed from the Lord but I know it's my OWN sins and not his, that I need to deal with before God can heal either of us. PORN IS A LIE. PORN KILLS, STEALS AND DESTROYS. I hope my story helps somebody. I believe the truth will someday set us free, but still struggle to find peace. I pray that the world more Christians will see this for the poison it is. God Bless all of You!
Leave a comment