Life was good! My husband and I were getting along so well. I had NO reason to believe that he was acting out again. All the signs I had learned to watch for were not there. I believed my heart was safe. I thought I had it all figured out. I was WRONG! The fact is, the indicators I had depended on in the past, now had failed me.
You see, Over the years I had learned to read the signs. Signs that indicated my husband was secretly satisfying himself with porn. His attitude in general was different. He was MORE angry, MORE prideful, and showed LESS interest in the things of God. He was impatient and just plain irritable. I am not talking about having a "bad" day once in a while, but an on going attitude that followed him until his sin was exposed. Somehow, knowing those "signs" gave me some security to hold onto, especially when the indicators were nowhere to be seen. I was confident that when those "signs" were not visible, my heart was safe and secure.
The truth is, the security I had built around my heart was false security. False security that I held onto MORE than I held onto trusting God. I felt so foolish. My world came crashing down when the truth was revealed that my husband had learned how to "act" so that I would not suspect a thing. The hurt and pain I felt was deeper, darker than ever before. The security blanket that had become so comfortable and what I depended on, had left me uncovered, ashamed, and vulnerable.
It was during that time that I literally came to the end of myself and cried out to God in complete surrender.....I finally realized I had NO control. The truth is I never had it and never would. All the things I had tried to do to make my heart feel safe was keeping me from the REAL security my heart longed for.
Most wives who have been through this battle with their husbands get it. You have a "feeling" things aren't right. Your heart tells you he is back to it again. You snoop, you watch, you spy, etc. Frustration sets in when you don't find anything because you just "know" he is lying when he tells you he is not looking at it. So you continue to be controlled by your hunches. You become depressed, angry, and live a joyless life. BUT Does life have to be this way? Is this how God meant for you to live? Can I shout out a big NO!!!
Sometimes we can get so caught up in watching for the signs and living in fear just waiting for the worst to happen that we leave God out. We become consumed by our husband and the need to protect our hearts. Our thoughts revolve around how our husbands are acting. Our actions become ruled by our suspensions. It is a life bound by shackles of fear and insecurity.
Yes, there are signs that your husband may be looking at porn but the question is, do those thoughts consume you? I learned that I cannot base my security on those signs because that keeps me from resting in real security, my security in Christ. And you know what else I realized? All of the MANY times I spent looking, searching, for porn to incriminate my husband was a WASTE OF TIME. As I look back over the years, whenever I "caught" him, 9 times out of 10 it was by accident. It wasn't when I was looking for it. Remember when I said this time, that I suspected nothing because there were no signs? Well, God exposed it, and without my help, imagine that?
Let's face the painful truth ladies...if your husband wants to look at porn, he will find the time and the way to do it. You cannot protect him from it. It is his battle to fight and if he is not willing to fight it, you cannot fight it for him. It is a choice HE must make. Your position in Christ, as his wife, is to pray for him, not to control him.
As painful as it was, I am thankful, once again that God relentlessly showed His love for me by exposing my own sinfulness. I needed to let go of the false walls of security that I had trusted in for so long. It was in that darkness that God was teaching me to trust in HIM with ALL of my heart. That when I pray, "God bring to light what my husband may be doing in darkness" and "God I trust you" that I meant it. I had to surrender my tendency to want to 'help" God out with my own reasoning, control, and manipulation.
I have come to believe there is no such a thing as security this side of heaven, apart from Christ. Man is not perfect, and therefore, will fail us. Real security that brings peace and freedom comes only from trusting in God. Anything else is false security and used by the enemy to keep us in our own bondage.
It has been a long journey over the years being married to a man with an addiction to porn. Nevertheless, I see how God was ALWAYS with me. I have learned so much. I have done all the "wrong" things that I would encourage other woman NOT to do! As I have mentioned on this blog before, I became my husband's porn police, my husband's holy spirit, trapped in my own prison of my own making. There were times when I didn't do things with friends because I was afraid of leaving my husband alone, fearing what he might do while I was gone. Other times, when I did muster up the courage to go, only to be filled with anxiety and fear wondering what he was doing. My false securities ruled my heart. All of these things and more was my selfish way of trying to be secure, to be safe, to not be hurt again. It never worked. I just became more and more of a manipulator, a control freak. I think of all the things I missed, all the things I gave up all because I wanted to feel secure. It never worked because it was never meant to.
Our security is meant to be found in God alone. He is the ONLY one who will not fail us. He is the ONLY one who can love us the way our heart desires to be loved. His love is beyond what we can even think or imagine. When we realize how much HE loves us, we are free to love others with a pure love that brings freedom and not shackles. True love is love that is given freely. It is NOT controlling. If I love my husband with the love of Christ, I love him with a love that gives him the freedom to make his own choices without manipulating him. It's a love that is secure enough in Christ to know that the choices my husband makes are his to make and the consequences will be his, as well. Yes, my heart may break because of his choices but if and when that happens, I am assured that God will be with me, that He will give me wisdom and will turn my brokenness into beauty as I totally and completely give my hurts to Him.
My husband is walking in freedom now, praise God, and I am free as well. Do I still struggle? Do I still have the tendency to want to put back on the false security? At times, yes! BUT all I have to do is remind myself of the bondage that Christ has set me free from....I do NOT want to go back there, ever!
No matter what, God IS faithful. He doesn't need you or me to help Him expose the darkness that our husbands may be involved in. After all, your husband is HIS son. He loves him more than you do. He knows what drives him and the demons that try to destroy him. God's love for your husband put Him on the cross. Sometimes, in the pain, it is easy to lose sight that God loves your husband as much as He loves you, but you know it is true.
Dear sister, don't be chained to false security by living a life controlled by what your husband may or may not do. Focus on Christ and what He desires to do in you rather than what you want Him to do in your husband. God is with you, He will take care of you. Trusting in man gives you false security and will bring you despair. Trusting in God gives you eternal security and will bring you peace. If your husband is involved in secret sins, God will bring darkness to light and when He does, His grace will be sufficient for you. When you pray, walk it out by faith and let it be evident by your thoughts and actions. You are His beloved daughter, He will not fail you!
It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.