I'm Done......

Done with always feeling like I am not good enough, pretty enough, endowed enough, etc.
Done with always having to wonder if what is being told to me by my husband is the whole truth or truth at all...
Done with walking on egg shells waiting for the next "bad" thing to happen....
Done with all the lies....
Done with having things hidden…
Done with knowing that his eyes are always wondering, every time, everywhere…
Done with worrying about what eye candy he enjoyed today…
Done with being told only half-truths…because I didn’t ask the “right” questions…
Done with conversations indicating his heart is one way only to have his actions prove differently…
Done with struggling to trust him thinking something is wrong with me….
Done with praying he will change….
Done with worrying about his faithfulness to me…
Done with being hurt by his addiction...
Done with e-mails being sent that again confirms his eye candy addiction….
Done with being married to someone who can’t be real with me…..
Done with selfishness…..
Done with finding porn in my home....
Done with faking it….acting like everything is ok when it’s not…
Done with when he is “caught”….him STILL lying!!
Done with him telling me he would get help and do “whatever it takes” only for it to never happen…
Done with being his enabler…
The above was written about a month ago in my journal, after what I had suspected proved to be true. It is raw and it is true emotion that came from a women hurt by the one she has loved and given herself to nearly 25 years ago. 25 years of being hurt and betrayed over and over again. I so often ask myself...this is what I saved myself for?? Really?? The bottom line is my husband has been my idol.....I have allowed him to be what only God should be.....my joy, peace, happiness has always been determined by my relationship with my husband, not my God. Because of this co-dependency, I have been an enabler, a manipulator, and one who tried to control another.....I have cared more about myself than the soul of my husband. I have allowed things to go on because of my own selfish fears. The spirit of fear is sinful... totally full of self-absorption. Everything centered around how my husband's actions were affecting me.
Lord, forgive me. When all is said and done...YOU are what matters the most. YOU are my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer. YOU are all I need. My relationship with YOU is what my life should be based on. YOU change not. YOU love me with an everlasting love and YOU are the only one who will never leave me or forsake me. Your love is pure, holy, unadulterated..complete. Thank you, Jesus...for giving me a love that I am unable to give back in return....thank you that you have a stubborn love for me that never gives up on me.....that sees the person that I can be.....that patiently picks me up time and time again....that loves me too much to allow me to stay the way I am....your love is what I need more than any other.

 




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