Stories

Bret Larrimore, Sr. wrote:

I was introduced to porn by the same man who would befriend me and then sexually molest me on his boat. I knew it excited me, was getting me the attention I needed, and was wrong. Even though I went through with it, I felt what I now know as depravity, and shame. I told no one, even though I wanted to. So I kept it inside to grow on it's own. I was 11 yrs old. Soon after came being introduced to drugs and alcohol, and a traumatic parental divorce that in one day took away my mother, who had always been there, and placed me and my siblings in the care of our father, who had hardly been there. Major abandonment issue being born. My mind and emotions were a mess, and my self degrading false beliefs confirmed I was no good. Needless to say, my sexual behaviors began to increase in both frequency and level of depravity. By the time I graduated high school, I had numerous sexual partners, of both sexes. I married my high school sweetheart and we had two wonderful kids. But we didn't know how to have an intimate relationship and we divorced. I re-married, had one daughter, and still, had no tools to use for an intimate relationship. My sexual behaviors became full addiction at this time, age 30 or so. My acting out became daily and more depraved. I was not seeking God at this time in my life either; I was mad at Him. There was no truth, only lies, and I was telling them and believing them too. I was a double minded man, living a double life. We too divorced but I was already in pursuit of the woman I thought would fix it all. Together we had the perfect family, each having three children, good jobs, the same dreams, humor, and sex drive. But this is where my depravity hit bottom. After 5 yrs of being together, 3 of them married, my business was over, I was drinking, smoking pot, and watching porn every day for hours instead of working on solving my problems. My sexual preoccupation was intense, and my fantasy life was at least equal. I began fantasizing about my step-daughter and seeing her as I did the women in the "movies". My relationship with my wife, again, was not intimate in the true sense of the word. We drifted apart, she didn't give me the attention, affirmation, or love I needed, but her daughter did. I left that home in early '08, and wanted to die. I had become the evil of which I hated. Back in '06, I gave my life over to the Lord, went to church as a family, prayed, read my Bible, went to the alter in tears, but still continued to act out. I prayed for God to cleanse me, to take it away and make me stop it all. I couldn't do it. And after a while of doing this every Sunday, and in private, He answered. I felt Him say "OK son, seems like you mean it now. Hold on because cleansing hurts, and by the way, I love you." I didn't understand this at first, but He revealed it to me later. So it came in '08 that my sins were exposed, I left home, wanted to die but God wouldn't let me, and I said I would turn myself in. My wife said they weren't ready for that yet so I waited. I lived in a storage shed for the next six months while I was waiting. I was still acting out and drinking daily. And then, after all the letters I'd written, texts I'd traded with all the kids and my wife, and all the love that was still there between us all, I was completely broken. I had drank plenty, and the hurt didn't go away. As I tasted the gun barrel and listened to the enemy scream lie after lie into my mind of why I should pull the trigger, God's whisper came even louder. I felt Him saying "No, this is not the way. Follow me, I have a better way." And then all I could hear and see were visions of happy things to come..of grand-kids, of joy, and love. So as He took the gun out of my hands, I cried uncontrollably and went outside and gave my 'nothingness' to Him again. Soon after, on a Sunday in church, He revealed Himself to me in a vision, and that day I went home from and through out all my porn...all of it. Then my eyes were opened to understand more and more of what scripture was saying. I was led by a supporting pastor to Christian Counseling, and then to a LIFE Recovery support group that the counselor just happened to lead. I soon found out about Mark Laaser's workshop and within 3 days was on a plane. That was God. Since then my life has changed dramatically. I did admit to and confess my sexual sins, was convicted of a sexual offence, spent my time in jail, and continued to seek the face of the Lord I had once seen. Today, 5 yrs from leaving that home, I am a new man. I am a new creation who knows God and has a relationship with Jesus Christ. And by His grace, I have also been given another chance to do things right and fulfill my purpose I never knew about before. Today I have a new wife, and 2 yr old son, and a new direction as a Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach specializing in Relational Improvement & Sexual Addiction Recovery. I now co-lead the same recovery support group, am involved with other recovery ministries, am associated with a Christian Counseling Center, have been on TV promoting healing from sexual sin, and will do what God has placed in my heart to do. God has proven He keeps His promises of restoration, of hope, and of a future in Him. His word is truth, and renewal can happen by being transparent, humble, and real. You too have a purpose and are loved by God, our Father.

Anonymous wrote:

I started viewing porn magazines at the age of 7. My friends would get them from their house and bring them up to our fort we had built in my friends' garage. Most of my friends were 4 to 8 years older than me and had this influence on me. At 7, I didn't know what I was looking at but as I got older it became more seductive to look at. With the porn came acting out with my friends. I was violated twice by friends who were older than me and felt disgusted by it. This made me want to look at women more because I didn't want to turn gay. So years went by and I hid my struggle with porn as much as possible. My brother had porn mags in his bottom drawer that I found when I was 10 or 11. This fueled my lust as I would look at the pictures whenever no one was home. It seemed like a never ending cycle. And all this while being raised in a "christian home". We went to church every Sunday morning and night and sometimes on Wednesdays. I went to youth conventions but never remember ever talking about sex or porn with my parents or church. Ever!!! This makes me very upset because where is the church?? We're so worried about presenting a squeaky clean image that we don't help those in need. As time went on I moved out on my own and found where I could by mags and rent videos. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior at the age of 17 but I never gave him this part of my life. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone else so it wasn't that bad. It seemed fun and enjoyable. I gave up smoking and cussing and all kinds of bad habits but I hung on to porn. I had girlfriends and had sex with them but that was scary because what if they got pregnant. Porn seemed safe to me. Then I found her. That woman of my dreams. The woman of God that was awesome and wonderful and beautiful and loved God with her whole heart. As you can tell, this was a freight train running into a wall. I had know idea that what I had been doing since I was 7 years old was gonna devestate the woman of God that I had married. At first she didn't know the extent of my problem but as time went on, the internet came into play. Then we had children that we were supposed to protect from this garbage. What a mess I was. I didn't know how to stop. I kept telling her I'd stop then 33 weeks or a month or six months or a year would go by and I'd be right back to porn trying to hide it. I was such a mess and this was ruining my marriage. I wish someone had talked to me as a child, teenager, young adult. But there was no one. I felt so alone. Counselers would listen but never offered much in the way of help. Pastors would talk to me but after a few months and all seemed well, we would stop meeting and I'd be right back at it. I kept trying but I kept failing. Failing God, failing myself, failing my kids and failing my wife. I'd read books and watch videos about this problem and get good insight from these but I needed more. My wife heard that Gary Smalley was on TV talking this issue and caught the tail end of it. He talked about this website and all they were doing to try to help people with this problem. So she got on the website and ordered the personal tool kit and gave it to me to help me. It was tough accepting this from my wife but I knew she loved me and was trying to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. This video was eye opening. It talked about this being an addiction. What!? You gotta be kidding me! But as I watched it all made sense. And yes, I am addicted to porn. I saw the cycle Dr. Laaser talked about in my own life. It makes sense, and finally someone understands me. I also have 3 teenage boys and ordered the video about Fathers talking to their sons about sex. Awesome!!! The talk about endorphins was particularly eye opening for me as well as my boys. My kids now understand this battle they have with wanting to look at dirty pictures or masturbation and they actually thank me for talking to them!! Teenage boys thanking their parents for talking to them about sex!! Who'd have thought?! Praise God for this ministry. I have now found a men's group that specifically talks about sexual purity. They call it "every man's struggle". God is good and he has a plan to heal your broken heart. Don't give up, there is help out there and Freedom Begins Here is a great place to start. I still have my struggles but I have people to talk to about it and information to help me understand my thoughts. God bless you and stand firm in Christ