Stories

Seeking Prayer

I have sinned A LOT this year against God by watching porn and masturbating. Please pray for my forgiveness. I want to have a clean conscience again :(

Steve wrote:

For nearly 35 years, I was trapped in the grip of porn. I'm not here to talk about what the devil did in my life, I'm here to not only talk about, but to give all the glory to God for what He has done my life. God?s love for us is deeper than any sin we could ever commit. God may like not like what we do, but the things we do will never change God?s unending love for us. I am living proof of that. God?s grace came into my life like a flood one day and my chains were and still are gone. I was born in 1966 in Haverhill, Massachusetts. Hey if I can confess all my sexual sins to you, I can also be brave enough to confess that I'm from Massachusetts. My parents both worked in factory jobs. My dad was a heavy drinker, which took a huge toll on my family. My mother, and my one older brother felt like we were living with a time bomb. The littlest things would set my father?s temper off. Because of the dysfunction in my home, my mother was a nervous wreck which meant that my brother and I didn't receive the love and nurturing that a lot of kids get. As a result, I didn't start talking till I was 4. Growing up with a severe speech problem, and being dangerously underweight from the stress of being an abused child by my father made me an easy target for the kids at school and in my neighborhood to pick on me constantly. This lack of love, care and feeling unaccepted set the stage for a very long battle in my life. When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I discovered porn. My dad work at a paper recycling plant, so he'd bring home x-rated magazines that he found in the bales of paper to be recycled. My brother and I were spending a rainy day playing hide and seek. I was determined that this was the day that I would finally elude my brother?s finding me, so I hid in the forbidden zone, my parents bedroom. As I hid under the bed, I saw a stack of magazines. I opened one and boy did I get a surprise. At first I was a bit repulsed at what I saw, but then in the days and months that followed, I began going back to look at those x-rated images more and more. By the time I was 11, I had stolen a few magazines from my father?s stash and had discovered masturbation. As I got into my teen years, I had quite a collection of porn hidden away in my room and was masturbating on a daily basis. When I was 14, I started writing out my sexual fantasies about girls from school. I bought into a lie, feeling like porn and sexual fantasies gave me the love and acceptance I craved. In my little fantasy world, I could never be denied or rejected. In high school, God began to bring friends into my life that were Christians. Whenever they would share the Gospel of Christ with me, I was very eager to hear it. I remember going home and starting to read my mother?s Bible.Things were great, the severe depression that I had grown with was gone, my world looked a little brighter. I had thrown all my porn out and that was that. Yet it wasn't soon before the enemy was all over me again. It all began in 1987 when I began dating a woman, who it turned out was cheating on her husband. We had intercourse many times, and she introduced me to drinking and porn movies. We eventually broke up, but my appetite for porn was back like never before. For the next several years, the enemy beat me down so bad. In Public, I was Steve the super Christian, singing in the church choir, serving as a deacon, and even teaching a Sunday School class for kids. But behind closed doors I was the total opposite. Every night I'd go back to my private little world of sexual sins. Now let?s jump ahead to 1999, the year I married a Christian woman from my church. At first things were great. I had once again gotten rid of all my porn, and stopped masturbating. But I quickly found out that the woman I'd fallen for at church was not the same woman I'd married. I soon found out that I had married a very controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive person. It didn?t matter who we were with, she?d belittle me in front of anyone, including my two step-children. This brought back many feelings that I had growing up, feelings of being unloved, unaccepted and not good enough. And as a result, the old habits of dealing with this pain came back. At first it started with masturbating while viewing models in the Sunday Sales flyers, then the late night free movie channels for anything with a sex scene in it. Then came the internet porn. With the so called pleasures from that means of escape came the guilt and shame. I felt like such a hypocrite. I claimed to be a Christian, on a weekly basis stood in the church choir and did an occasional solo song during the offering. There I was proclaiming God?s love, God can help you overcome, yet I was being overcome by sexual sins. In October of 2006, God began to move mightily in my life. I GOT CAUGHT! Our computer was acting up on us big time. The computer tech who looked it found the encrypted history file and discovered page after page after page of porn sites I?d visited, over 500 in a three month period alone. That night after confessing everything to my wife, I called the men?s ministry leader at my church and confessed everything to him. It was that night that I learned about a group at the church called FMO. He explained to me that FMO (For Men Only) was a tailor made Bible Study/Accountability group designed for men with sexual addictions. A week later I joined the group and began to truly honor God for the first time with my body, mind and soul. It was at this same time that the enemy came in like a flood. I entered the darkest time of my life. In a two month period, I survived a car fire, being physically attacked by a family member, the break up of my marriage, partly due to years of stress, my sins, and the affair that my wife was having. Three days after I moved out, my father was found dead in his apartment after he had a massive heart attack. Then came the loss of my job, followed by severe depression. At first I used all this as excuse to fall back into sin big time. But the more that I put into my time spent at the FMO group, the greater my resolve became to overcome, not simply go without it for a while. January 28th 0f 2007 was the turning point for me. The night before I had lost my job. That night I went out and bought a case of beer, two bottles of wine and some x-rated movies. The next morning I woke up at rock bottom. I cleaned myself up and began the all familiar routine of throwing away the empties and the porn, but this time was different. This time I with everything I threw out, I said ?No More?. My resolve grew stronger each time I said it. January 28, 2007 was the date that God gave me strength like never before. There were many things that God gave me to overcome the sexual sins in my life, the drive and the desire to seek God like never before. For the first time in my life I put a scripture verse to use. Matthew 6:33 says to ?seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and ALL these things will be given to you as well.? I sought God like never before through His Word, through prayer, through FMO, and the guys in the group. God has given us so many awesome tools to help us overcome the sin in our lives, such your ministry and others like Today I stand before all of you a new man in Christ, free and forgiven. Free of the guilt and the shame, free from sexual sins. Today I have been happily married for just under three years to a very Godly woman. God has made my life new. But it wasn?t until I surrendered all in my life to Him, including my sexual desires, when things began to change. If you?re here today and you?ve been struggling and feel trapped by sexual sins, do whatever it takes to surrender all to God, give Him your life, your soul, your desires. Seek Him first in all things, and all the things that you desire to live a pure and Holy life, please to God will be added to you. God uses people who?ve been there, and that?s why FMO has been used by God to impact the lives of thousands of men across the country. Thank you for your time and may God bless you all in his Grace. So as I praise the Lord, I just want to say thank you for your ministry for reaching out to men to help them in their quest for purity. God Bless, Steve