Anonymous wrote:

My name is Jeff, and I?m a monster. At least that?s how I feel. I have grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional home all my life. My father would physically and verbally abuse me and my two sisters from the age of maybe five on. Though thankfully, and I thank Jesus every day for this, never sexually. He would hit us and yell whenever we did something he didn?t want but my father was not my first incident of sexual abuse. My mother tried he best to protect us from his rage. When I was around ten or so, my sisters and I stayed the night at one of my mother?s friend?s house. Also staying there were a girl maybe thirteen and a boy sixteen years old. She was outgoing and we instantly got along but something about the boy felt wrong. When it was time to go to bed the girls went to one room and I was stuck in the same room as the sixteen year old. In the middle of the night I woke from a deep sleep to the feeling of someone unbuttoning my pants and pulling the zipper down. Even at that young I knew what was happening and what would happen if I didn?t do something. I fought with all my strength, knuckles white as I gripped on for life, and I cried. I didn?t fall asleep that night.. The next morning I told my parents but nothing happened. They talked to the boy and he of course denied it. A few months passed and the whole thing was passed off as the product of too much imagination. That was the first time I felt alone and sick and scared. Almost two years after that my mother passed away. My father became worse than ever. He would look up porn sites and magazines almost every day, not even bothering to hide his addiction. It was soon after I turned thirteen that my struggle with porn began. After my mother?s death, my father would drown himself in work and sin. One day while he was at work and I was alone in the house, I stumbled onto my father?s stash of porn magazines. I was disgusted at the sight at first, throwing the magazine down and walking away. But something kept drawing me back. I didn?t know it then but it was the devil drawing me into temptation. Several weeks later I came back to my temptation and I masturbated for the first time to my secret sin. And for a few years it was just looking at the one or two magazines my father kept around the house. But then I discovered porn on the internet and my secret sin grew out of hand. Through my high school years I struggled with my addiction. But I always went back. And then four years ago I finally accepted Jesus as my savior. But I kept my sin to myself. I was sickened and frightened but I just couldn?t stay clean. That sent me into the worst times of my life. Not only was I hurt and lost but I was lying about lying about my sin. I told myself I was going to change. But I just fell back into the pattern. But my first real victory came six weeks ago. I finally realized I was fighting a symptom, my addiction, instead of the cause, me. Since then I have been fighting for every day without the urge. As I am writing this it has been over three and a half weeks since I last looked at porn. I slipped once and I feel the shame and the temptation but today I am stronger than the temptation. I will be fighting for every clean moment every second of the rest of my life but as long as I am clean, I can live with that. But that?s not what I wrote this for. I think of my sixteen year old cousin facing the same choices that made me. I hope that he has enough courage to make the choice I couldn?t at first. I hope he doesn?t have to live with the regret like I have to. That is why I am writing this confession. My name is Jeff and I have been suffering with pornography addiction almost half my life. I am 22 years old and I finally decided to stop poisoning my soul with fake love. One day ago I decided to end the cycle of needless sin. I have decided put down my sins and to pick up the sword and the shield and become a warrior for God like a was meant to be. This is a plea to all those suffering with the same choice I refused to make to save myself. Never give up. There is a way out. Sometimes it?s a door and sometimes you have to make a door. Never give up. Help is on the way. It could be a friend or an ad for FreedomBeginsHere on the back of a Rush of Fools album. You never know. All roads lead to Jesus and so they are all blessed. Godspeed and God bless. Jeff

 

 




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