Love Letter to a Porn Star

 

 My love letter to you..... 

This is a very hard letter to write, I am struggling to find the words.  I know you don't know me but  I am all too familiar with you. I hope you will hear my heart as I share with you the impact you have had on my life and my marriage.  Please bear with me as I preface this letter by giving you a glimpse of what my world has looked liked........ 

My husband first met you as a young boy. He found  pictures of you in a dumpster, among the trash.  A magazine, discarded, perhaps by another man or woman who had ashamedly became a victim of your seduction.  What started out as only curiosity, ended up as a trap that would ensnare him for years to come. 

I was introduced to you shortly after I was married, not by choice, but by accident.  Pictures of you were hidden under my front porch.  I had been married about a year at the time.  I married my high school sweetheart, not knowing, I would be a part of a toxic relational triangle.  Not knowing that he began a relationship with you long before he had fallen in love with me. This event was only one of many that would break my heart  in the years that followed because of my husband's addiction to you. That day, I saw you there, in the pages. You, displaying your nude body for all to see.  I suddenly felt so inadequate, so betrayed.  I had insecurities already, and I would soon, no longer be able to pretend they weren't there, I would have to deal with them as they escalated through out my marriage. I was so young and naive.  I did not yet realize or understand the depth of the roots that had been planted in my husband's mind over the years from his affair with you.  I just thought if he said he wouldn't look at you ever again that he meant it. 

I now know, my husband was imprisoned by you.  He was bound by chains of lust that hovered over my home and my marriage.  He was too ashamed to  introduce you to me or to others.  He was not proud of the relationship he had established with you.  He did not ever intend for that relationship to go as far as it did.  He was like two different people.  The man he wanted others to see and then the man he was when he was with you, behind closed doors.  As the years went on, you were always there....hidden.  I would find you sooner or later.  You were in the magazines, on the phone, the VHS videos, the DVD's, the computer.  We could never escape your seduction.  My husband was hooked.  After each time of finding porn, he would always tell me that it was the LAST time I would find you.  I wanted to believe him so badly.  I thought you would be out of our lives for good.  Unfortunately,  time after time, I was wrong.  You always came back.   He could not break free from your hold on him. You made him feel good for a moment.   You were a way of escape for him.  You were easy.  No commitment, no demands, just you catering to his selfish desires.  He would always tell himself,  just ONE more time won't hurt.   You were always there in the shadows, enticing him, tempting him.  You did not force yourself upon him, I understand that.  He made the choice to look at you. You became like a drug to him. 

It has been almost 26 years now since we married.   A little more than a year ago, I made one of the hardest decisions.  I was a wife who could no longer be married to a man that secretly gave himself to you.  Surely, you can understand.   You see, each time I "caught" him with you, my wounds were uncovered.  I, too lived a life captive, controlled by suspicion and fear.  I could no longer believe the lies he would tell me.  I could no longer enable him.   I could no longer let him destroy me.  I was dying inside from the years of pain and betrayal.   He could have you, but without me.  I was done.  And I meant it, and he knew it.   For years, I tried to protect him from you.  I tried to help him escape the prison walls that held him captive.  My attempts always failed.  I am quite aware that you did not care about my husband but please understand that I really loved him.  But my love could not deliver him.  The decision for freedom had to come from him, not me.  It was time for me to be courageous and leave the life I had lived for so long. 

But can I tell you, our story does not end there.  My decision to leave him caused him to hit rock bottom.  He was losing everything.  He made the tough choice to get help.  To humble himself.  To choose God's ways over his own selfish desires.  He wanted you out of his life once and for all.

It has been a difficult process.  God is creating beauty out of the ashes that have surrounded us.  He is teaching me that my security must not come from a man.  That only a relationship with Him can make me complete.   We are two people in need of our own restoration.  He is healing our brokenness.  He is resurrecting our marriage with a new foundation.  God is the 3rd person in our relational triangle now.  The roots of pride, lust,  selfishness and insecurity are being replaced with humility and love.  My husband no longer has to live a life full of lies, shame, secrets, masks, fears of getting caught....he is free to live the life that he loves.  We are experiencing TRUE intimacy, and it is so beautiful 

Porn takes advantage of the sexual desires that God has placed in men.  It takes what God has ordained and taints it so that it is no longer pure.   A woman's body was formed with such beauty to bring fulfillment to her husband and him only.  Sex was created to be shared only within the marriage bed...pure, undefiled and so beautiful.  It was meant to bring oneness to the covenant relationship of marriage.   A love the comes from the WHOLE person. Not dirty, lustful, filthy, and selfish. The destroying effects of this industry are endless.  This age of high tech along with the world wide web has enabled you to darken homes, churches, libraries...etc.   There is no place that is exempt from your seduction.  The young and old, male and female, are vulnerable to your captivity.  We are all paying the price. 

I am so sorry to admit, but I used to hate girls like you.  But not anymore.  Just as God has forgiven me, I have forgiven you. Why? Because I, too, am in need of His love, His grace and His mercy.  There are no stones that I can throw at you because my heart is full of sin and just as needful of a Savior.  We all are broken without Him to make us whole.   Love is what you need, what we all need, more than anything.  Not condemnation, not hate.  God has given me glimpses of your life through the stories of other "Porn Stars".   My heart is grieved for you and others who work along side you.  I know deep down inside of you is a  broken little girl crying out for someone to love you, to really care for you, to rescue you.  I know you cry yourself to sleep at night.  I know you have to take drugs to do what you are doing, to cope with the pain. You are believing the lies of the enemy of your soul.  I know how you get so tired of feeling used, of feeling like your an object without real feelings. You may have believed in the beginning that this was easy money for you, that you had to have it to support yourself.  "They" have lied to you.  The repercussions that comes with the title of "porn star" are destroying you.   You know how dirty and abused you feel each time after making a porn video.  One man after another....you hate it...you dread it.  Your body is being abused and you know it.

 You may feel trapped.  You may feel like you have no other choice but to do what you are doing.  You may feel like there is no way out for you.  Those kind of thoughts are nothing but lies and more lies. Whatever painful experiences you have had in your past; abuse, loneliness, abandonment, molestation...it doesn't matter.  Those things do not define YOU!! Just as my husband is experiencing a life of freedom, you can be free, as well. 

There is One who loves you for who you are, not for what you look like or for your sexual performance.    He will never leave you or forsake you.  He can take your life and give you a purpose and a hope that is full of life and peace that you have never known.   God desires to heal you of your past, from your brokenness.   He values YOU.  He created you for a much higher purpose.  He can take your past and even where you are now and turn your life around for good.   God loves you so much that long ago he sent His one and only SON to die for you.  Jesus took your sins and my sins upon Himself so that we can be forgiven and live with Him for eternity.  He wants to restore to you your dignity, your worth.   He desires to restore your hopes and dreams that have been lost in the world you now live in.  He desires to make you whole.  There are many girls like you in this industry who's lives are cut short because of the lifestyle they are living is one that destroys.  But it is NOT too late for YOU!!  My dear sister, you are beautiful!  You are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are worth so much more than this!!  Allow God's love to capture your heart.  He is the only One who can satisfy your needs, who can fill the emptiness that fills your heart day after day.  I pray that one day, you will open up your heart to Him and find freedom and the true love of a Father who calls you by name,  to see yourself as He sees YOU... beautiful, valued and cherished. 

Therefore, He is able also to save to the uttermost (completely, perfectly, finally, and for all time and eternity) those who come to God through Him since He is always living to make petition to God and intercede with him and intervene for them.  Hebrews 7:25

 I give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it full well.  Psalm 139:14

 




1 Comment

Brian Doyle

October 08, 2013

Excellent insight and very creative. It is critical for guys to begin to understand the pain that comes from betrayal and choosing other women.

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