kc

My husband is addicted to porn and now he is chatting on websites. He recently has been talking on the phone with a women who he said is like him. He doesn't understand that I am not able to get close with him because of what I witness with the pornography and the videos I have seen of him showing his private parts to women. I love my husband but I am tired of always being blamed for the reason he uses porn. He said he would stop if i paid attention to him. But as soon as I drop the ball back to porn he goes. We have been married ten years and for ten years I have been dealing with this.




4 Comments

flathillfarm

March 25, 2013

Hi KC,

Unfortunately, for someone with a full-blown porn addiction, its going to take something huge to get his attention. Addictions—whatever they are—take on a life of their own and begin to drive the behavior of the addict. At that point, the addict has no control over the addiction, it has control of them, and the only way they will be able to escape is if someone (with the help of God) intervenes and pulls them out. I call it a “pigpen moment” (a reference to the story of the prodigal son) when he realizes that he has hit rock bottom and has to reach out to God for help. What that means for you is that you are going to have to love him with “tough love.”
Sit him down and tell him you know that his behavior is destructivce to him, to you, and to your marriage, and that it can’t go on. Make a plan to leave him (by that I mean move out of the house, or kick him out) if he doesn’t straighten out by a specific date. If he truly loves you, the prospect of losing you will get his attention big time. I speak from experience, because the prospect of losing my wife was the only thing that ever prompted me to get off my rear and do something to get healthy.
Both Focus on the Family and Familylife have sections of their websites dedicated to helping the spouse of people struggling with Sexual addiction, so I would encourage you to read those. I don’t know if you are involved in a church, but if you are, you may be able to get someone to help you do the intervention if you are uncomfortable confronting your husband alone. If your husband responds to the intervention, and is willing to do something about his addiction, I recommend the 30 day devotional guide on this website … its probably the most helpful guide I have seen so far. Dr. Laaser hits the nail right on the head for addiction and how to get beyond it. Its a gradual process, but it can lead to victory. I am on my third year of fighting my own addiction, and although I am not free of temptation, I am walking in victory over the temptation, and my marriage is the better for it.

So call your husband on the carpet, lay down your conditions, and pray for him like there is no tomorrow. Then let God do His work, because only God can change your husband.

sngrimes

March 25, 2013

I have been burdened regarding cremation. My mother and several siblings have cremated and that is what I want. Please, please tell me if it is a sin. I am now over 70 and need some advice soon. Rhank you.

Rick

March 25, 2013

About the cremation question. Freedom Begins Here has resources and hope for those struggling with pornography, lust, sexual addiction, and these sort of issues. Cremation is not a subject that we deal with in relation to the Freedom Begins Here resources.

You may wish to talk to your pastor or priest, depending on the church that you prefer or attend. I would hope that they could and would talk that issue through with you to your satisfaction.

Mario

March 25, 2013

Hi KC,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggle but be encouraged because there is hope in Christ. I am a recovering sexual addict and very well versed with your husband’s situation. Sexual addiction like many other addictions is very selfish and self-centered. Your husband is in his own “fantasy” world trying to satisfy his needs and only his needs. He is lying to you and to himself when he uses the excuse of viewing pornography because there is no sexual intimacy between you and him. I agree with the first response. You need to lay down the law and make him very aware of the consequences of his actions. When my wife found out about my online escapades and sexual indiscretions she made it very clear on how this violated our marriage and our family. I was at the point of losing everything unless I got sound, Christ-centered help. Don’t be manipulated by him trying to turn the tables around and make you the reason for his addiction. Call him out and ask him to get help or he will lose everything. Pray to the Lord for Wisdom and Strength during this tough time. God is in control and will see you and your husband through this. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.

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