Spouse of a Porn Addict

My husband admitted to me that he was addicted to porn almost 4yrs ago and he is just now finally seeking help. I've spent the last 4 yrs trying to do everything I can to make life easier for him so he wont look at the stuff. Im frustrated and weary. I've blamed myself. The only thing that has kept me from walking out the door would be my relationship with Jesus and my 4 children. I'm hurt and I feel guilty. Actually my husband has accused me many times of not forgiving him but its not true. I have asked Jesus time and time again to take the pain away so I can fully be there for my husband. I've tried to push my pain aside for his but all I have felt in return is that Jesus cares more about my husbands pain than mine. I know its not true and I have been seeking counseling and Im going to continue bc I really want to move on with my life and not let this addiction consume me everyday of my life. Does anyone else know how that feels?

 

 

 

 

 

 




23 Comments

Look Up

March 18, 2013

I DO know how it feels to feel so alone in the battle…abandoned. It is difficult when your hours are consumed in trying to get help for someone else. When they seem to barely make an effort.

I’m sure your counselor would tell you (if they are wise) that you cannot change someone else. It is awful when you want the person to change more than they want to change. Especially when what they do affects your life too. But it is very true that trying to change someone else only frustrates ourselves and depletes our energy for more fruitful things.

My counselor has advised me to “get healthy myself”. I have read books on co-dependence and boundaries which have helped some but I think a good (Christ-following) friend/counselor is one of the best helps. Someone who can encourage you toward the LORD, pray for you, and help you to see where your thinking is “off base”. We all need love and support…it sounds as though you have poured yourself out to help your husband. It’s probably time to turn that energy back around to invest in you. This is not selfish—it is for your own mental/emotional and spiritual health. In the end it will help not only you but those you love.

These are things that I am working through as well. My issues here are a little different, but the struggles are very similar.

God bless you…and may you find the peace and restoration that God offers to you.

MD4

March 18, 2013

Thank you Look Up, for your encouraging words and good advice. I am getting help.

Thanks
God Bless You

Anonymous

March 18, 2013

I am in a similar situation, and would LOVE to connect with other women who are going through this. It is SO painful, and there just isn’t a place to go to have the support that we need from other women. Please let me know if you’re interested in connecting online. If you’ll send me your email address, I’d love to write!

Hanging in there

March 18, 2013

I am a wife of someone who has been in this situation for a very long time. Sadly, my husband is a pastor and has great potential. However, the addiction has a grip on his life that he can’t seem to overcome, no matter how much we pray or seek God for deliverance. It’s very hard as a spouse to be in this position because the addiction causes you to have low self esteem and continually feel as tho you can never measure up to the fantasies and lust that is assiciated with this addiction. I am praying about starting a website for spouses of porn addicts, because I realize that I am not alone in this battle. Praying for all spouses who are also dealing with this issue in their marriages. It’s a hard battle. God bless!

Chelsey

March 18, 2013

I am a finance of a man that is a porn addict. He doesn’t think he is but he’s been doing it since he’s been in college he is now 25 out of college with no degree. ( he never graduated he got kicked out for partying to much and not doing his work in class. He tells me that i am over reacting when i see things on the computer that shouldn’t be there i start shaking, my eyes water like a river and i feel like i am going to get sick. I have no one to talk to about this and no one to go to that i can ask for help for him. I don’t think he is going to accept getting help with this because he feels that no one can tell him what to do. I know it’s hard to quit something I’ve been there i quit smoking for a year and i had recently started again because of the stress of having a child and the adult website addictions he has. I just don’t know how much i can take of this it’s driving me apart from him…fast! Please help me help him.

Rick

March 18, 2013

Chelsey…I am sorry to hear that your fiance does not seem to want help. I know that no one will get helped in this area unless they really want to. It is a struggle even when help is wanted. Without wanting it…well…

Please remember that you are his fiance and not his wife. This will not get better after marriage. It will probably get worse. So, if he does not seem to care how this is hurting you now, he will probably care less later.

The question you may want to ask yourself is, “don’t I deserve better than that?” “Doesn’t God have something better for me than that?”

If he wanted help and if he recognized the pain it brings you and therefore wanted to change, that would be one thing. But if he doesn’t seem to notice your pain or hurt and doesn’t want help, that is another.

Do you think that God may have someone out there that will give you the love, honor, respect, and care that you deserve? Wouldn’t that be God’s will? To wait for God’s best?

I pray that he comes to a point of major change in attitude, but if not…again, is that God’s best desire for you? I can not answer that for you, but I believe that deep down you know the answer.

God loves you and wants you only to have His very best!

Jan

March 18, 2013

I understand what you are going thru. My husband did it before we got married. Promised me it would stop. We have been married a year now and he is still doing it. Now he hides it and lies to me. It is destroying me and my marriage. When I comfronted him with it yesturday he told me it is because I of the other problems in our relationship. Also that I a so unhappy. He wont go get help. He tells me he will change but I have heard that for 2 years now. My advice is if he dosen’t respect you now he won’t when you marry him. I wish I would have got advice before I married, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation now.

Lianne

March 18, 2013

I too know the feeling of being hurt in this way. My husband is also a porn addict and lies to me about it, Please, if anyone would like to be/have a friend on-line, I NEED ONE!! I know I can’t change my husband, and I love him very much. But I can’t come through on my own, I need a prayer pal!! I would so much love to connect with someone who understands!

Lianne

March 18, 2013

I too have a porn addicted husband who also lies to me about it, I know i can’t change him but I can’t come through dealing with this on my own, please, if anyone is interrested in becoming a prayerpal and penpal, please, I need to connect with women who feel what i feel so we can encourage each other NEVER to give up hope!

rosepose

March 18, 2013

Just like the other sender Jen my husband was also indulging in porn, magazines and just any woman who was willing to write sex things to him before we got married. I thought it was a passing phase. Here I am 20 years later, with very little that resembles a marriage fighting the same battle of pornography. Once or twice I have the courage to confront even encouraging him to get help. But there has always been something that makes him not continue therapy. I get the small doses of how its partly my fault. There is always a reason that I do not really understand. But now after almost embarrassing myself with begging for intimate attention, he decided or realized he prefers the other not me. Even he admits he likes it.

With very little self esteem, sadness, loneliness, feeling of being deserted, I have decide to move on. As I mentally prepare myself I know its for the best. Looking forward to no anxiety when he sits in front of his computer or blackberry. A life were I do not have to feel like I do not measure up. All his work traveling does not have to bother me anymore. At this moment I cannot help to feel sorry for him.

GeltnTired

March 18, 2013

I have been with my husband for almost 12 yrs now and of that we have been married going on 8. I recently told him that he is addicted to porn when I started to realized that he lies to me about it and goes out of the way to hide it from me. it used to be that i didnt worry about it. He’s a man, all men look at it from time to time. I even watched it with him thinking it could help the marriage. But lately it’s making me feel like he has some kind of sickness. I caught him watching one night (he didn’t know i could see him)and when he realized i was about to come in I watched him get off the site and erase the browser history. Why was this called for? so I asked nonchalantly as I could so whacha doing bae? he replies nothing. So i ask wacha looking at, he replies nothing just checking on some flights. Now that just pissed me the hell off! can someone please tell me if I should be as concerned as I am?!?!?!?

Momof3

March 18, 2013

Chelsey, get out now. He doesn’t want help. I found out about my husband’s addiction 6 months into our marriage. I was physically ill with the discovery. We were both raised in Christian homes & we’d dated for 3 1/2 years before marriage. His secret hit me like a ton of bricks! I can say with absolute certainty that if I’d known then what I know now, I would not have married him. We’re going on 11 years of marriage and porn has repeatedly & increasingly torn through it. At this point, I am only here for our children (which I had in hopes that they would motivate him to stay clean) — I don’t want them to have to deal with divorce and I don’t know what else to do. I can be his friend & roommate, but at this point, I really don’t want to be his wife.

Jenni

March 18, 2013

First of all, I wanted to thank you for your courage to share. You are in the right place. I am praying and believing that Freedom Begins Here will start a ministry for the wives of porn addicts. I, like you, have felt so alone in my pain.
In May I will be married 18 years to my best friend and porn addict. It has been such a long road. No one talks about the damage porn addiction causes the wives. Everything out there talks about how to help your husband through his addiction. Well, if most women are like me, that’s the last thing you want to hear when you are so wounded. I feel your pain and you are not alone! I understand! I’ve been there over and over again. Please go to the “stories” section of this site and read my testimony. One thing I want to tell you is to please believe me when I say, you ARE good enough. Its not your fault. Your husbands porn addiction is not about you! Satan wants more than anything for you to believe his lies. Pray for God to block your ears from those lies. Pray for God to feed you truth. Run after God! Find out who HE really is. Search your bible to find out how special you are to God. Pray and ask God to show himself to you in a personal way. Search the concordance in the back of your bible for help. Write down what you find. Also, journal what you are feeling. Please know, God is crying with you!
Jenni

Kristin

March 18, 2013

Although I do not wish upon anyone the pain and misery I’ve endured with my husband’s addiction, it is somewhat of a relief to know that other women are struggling with the same pain that I feel. I caught my husband viewing pornography when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, over three years ago. A few months later I found out he had been chatting on-line with another woman and the chatting was sexual. He was regretful, full of remorse and we even saw a marriage counselor for a few months. We are both christians who love God. My husband repented of his sin and I thought he was “recovered.” Recently, I found out he’s been viewing pornography again and has been chatting on-line with another woman. My husband is seeking help. He has indicated to me that satan has trapped him to believe that what he is doing is justified because he’s not physically having an affair. He knows the lies are wrong and wants to get help. I understand the hurt, pain, confusion, bitterness and anger that the other women have shared. I am 9 months pregnant with our second child and go through emotional torment on a daily basis. However, I’m coming to grips with the fact that this is not my fault and that it is only Jesus and his unconditional love that can change my husband. I tried to change him the first time and it did’nt work. Please know that when we demand answers, continue to question and condemn our husbands it encourages them to live in secrecy. If anyone would like to have an e-mail friend, I would love to share and hope to be a friend to someone in need just as I am.

MD4

March 18, 2013

I am the person that posted this comment in the first place and I wish I could say things are better but there not but I’m getting better. I’m learning to abide in Jesus and allow his comfort but I could use a friend like most of you. my email address is mandy42009@gmail.com. My name is Mandy. I hope one of you see’s this.

God Bless you al

Klyfoxx

March 18, 2013

my husband is addicted to porn! we went to a hotel(approx 15 min from my house) to celebrate my daughters birthday with some friends and my husband is oncall at all hours so he said he had to leave to go to a call. He did and the moral of the story is when we went home the iron cords were by the computer in wierd knots, so he made a pit stop by the house to do what with the cords? I’m mortified. I have a 8 year old little girl that I’m afraid is going to walk in on him. HELP what do I do at this point?

MD4

March 18, 2013

Klyfoxx

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its so hard to know what to do. I know my Pastor has been a great help to me and even my husband who decided that he needs help and is getting counseling. I have to tell you that I was reluctant to ask my husband to get help bc I didn’t want to be judge mental. But Pornography is very serious. I finally sought help a year after learning of my husbands problem. Maybe its beyond you asking him to get help if you have already asked him. Are you close to your Pastor or another christian man who you and your husband trust? I know that it has taken 4 years for my husband to get help after telling me of his addiction but he’s been dealing with it for 24 years. And we are only 30. I will pray for God to give you wisdom to know what to do and how to do it. It breaks my heart to know that others are going through this. My email is mandy42009@gmail if you need to talk.

Klyfoxx

March 18, 2013

Thank You Mandy for all your kind words and wisdom. I will reach out to you. We have been married 18 years and he is a wonderful man with a addiction.I don’t want it to ruin our marrage or the relationship of him and my daughter if she were to catch him.I’m thrilled god lead me to this site!

Anonymous

March 18, 2013

My husband was doing porn before we got married but I didn’t know it. For 14 years of our almost 20 year marriage he was doing porn. He never knew i knew, I didn’t tell him because I was scared to confront him. When I finally told him I knew he came up with every excuse in the book. He has been out of it for 6 years, but it still hurts so deeply. He has moved passed it and doesn’t understand why it still affects me. I don’t really either. I have chosen to stay with him, but I am miserably unhappy. His sexual comments are no longer cute or funny. No one in my life or his knows of this.

MD4

March 18, 2013

I feel guilty bc I can’t trust my husband. I’m frustrated with myself bc I feel like I am not pleasing God bc I’m hurt and I cry allot. I keep telling myself that I should already be over it. I’ve spent the last 4 yrs ( we’ve been married for 9) on my knees begging God to change my heart and make me in love again. I love my husband but somethings missing at this moment in time. I just feel so guilty, like I’m not a christian bc I can’t trust him. I’m so tired of it. My husband makes allot of sexual jokes and touches me inappropriately in front of my children. And when I call him on it he says I’m no fun. He still accuses me of not liking sex and he ask me to so things that I feel like are not appropriate. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing? I’ve spent the last 4 years walking on egg shells and trying to make life easier for him so he wont get back into Porn but he is. I feel like I have lost my relationship with Jesus bc I come to him believing that I am disappointing him bc I am failing at being a Godly wife. I feel consumed by his addiction. I’m angry and sometimes depressed. I just told my husband about my miss carriage I had at 17. He said he wants to be there for me but when I try to talk to him he shows no interest or he wants to comfort me with sex. I have allot of guilt from that situation. I never told anyone about my miss carriage until 2 months ago when I realized that God wanted me to deal with it. I have told my Pastor and 3 best friends but nothing. My life is such a mess and out of control. I am leaning on God and His awesome Grace to get me through. I have dreams and I don’t want my life to be just about this. I don’t want to become consumed by my husbands addictions. Sometimes I wonder if I am reacting in a normal way to my husbands issue? He never keeps his promises. I hope he sticks with counseling he has been twice in the last 2 years. I want to be healed and have a life in Jesus no matter what happens. I love Jesus more than my situation and even my husband but I feel like I give my situation to much time and energy. I want to live not just survive.

Anonymous

March 18, 2013

I’m in the same boat, i’m so lost. My husband has always been into porn but now it’s an everyday thing. We have two boys and now we have a daughter that is a yr old. He spends his time on the family computer watching porn, he keeps saying he’s gonna stop but i keep finding porn on his history. I’m so tired of this, i’m thinking of just leaving him but that would greatly hurt our family, especially because i need all the help i can get, our eldest son is disabled. What do i do? He just says he’s going to stop doing it but it’s just a bunch of lies. Someone please help, i need some advice.

Robert Gill

March 18, 2013

I am a sex addict. I have been sober since May 13 09. I was single 32 years. woman after woman. My counselor told me this started the addiction. Used pay per view,periodically Met a wonderful woman. Married her. Best friend. Introduced to porn site. Was addicted immediately. Acted out ,had two flings. Did not know or educated about sexual addiction. Wife told me to leave. Got immediate help. SoulCare director at church, enrolled me in Sex Addicts Anonymous. It saved my life. My wife did not stick it out. Filed for divorce in 30 days. God has forgiven me, redeemed me, and has radically changed me. It is not about the spouse,it is about the addict.It is to understand not to be understood. I have been honored through God’s grace,to share my testimony, with 3 groups. also,very involved with Divorce Care at church. Have now become one of the leaders. God is very good. He loves us. I will be an addict the rest of my life, but with God’s Grace will be a sober addict. Jeremiah 29:11

Jenn

March 18, 2013

my husband has been addicted to porn before we were married and I have been open and honest with him from day one about how I felt about it yet he continued to do it. We had continous arguments and fights about it when I would catch him we have been together for six years and married for three. the last time I caught him was about two years ago and I told him if I caught him again I would leave him this past sunday I caught him looking at we now have two little girls ages one and two. I came home from visiting my parents with the girls walked in the door after he was just looking at pictures on the computer he kissed me and grabbed our oldest and gave her a hug then said I gotta take a shower I just got home from work. I went in to turn the computer on which I thought was odd that it was off because I had it on before I left he turned the computer off wrong and all his pictures popped up. imediatly my blood boiled and I ran in to the bathroom to confront him to only find him finishing himself off to the thought of everything he was just looking at. How am I suppost to believe that he has any guilt or love for me when he should of felt guilty immediatly after looking at the pictures then seeing me and our children but no he went and actually finished himself off!!! After I kicked him out all kinds of lies came out. The fact that he cheated on me right before we got married TWICE. and had multiple touchy feely instances while we were married. and to only find out that he had three stashes of porn in OUR HOUSE 9 dvds and 2 magazines. and this whole time he has been lying to me about everything!!!! I dont want to lose my family and I love him so much thats why it hurts so much but how can I believe he has any love for me when he could keep these secrets from me for all these years and to look at my in my eyes and just not tell me or feel any guilt for it. My poor little girls see me cry every day now I wake up with swollen eyes and only a couple hours of sleep for the past three nights and to wake up to vomit because im so sick to my stomach and the pain in my chest and the axiety attacks. I honestly cant even imagine where I would be right now if I didnt have my girls here to keep me strong. I am a stay at home mom and everyday I have to wake up and push my hatred and pain aside so I can be strong and take care of my precious little girls. I cant get the images out of my head of all the porn and the image of him being intimate with another women right before he said his vows to me HOW DARE HE!!!!! Please I am begging someone to help me and comfort me. I want so bad for him to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok but at the same time I hate him so much and am disgusted with him I cant even look at him I dont want him to touch me. He is the one that is suppost to comfort me when I am down like this and yet he is the one causing it!!! How am I suppost to make it through this and make things work I can never picture myself being intimate with him again. All these years he has taken advantage of me and disrespected me. I cant help but to feel like a prop to his fantasy world of porn….
by Jenn, 2 years, 8 months ago

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